Sunday, September 17, 2006

MY LATEST PERSONAL FUCKING HELL

Well, somehow I thought I had enough credits to graduate, but I'm counting and it's not adding up. I'm going to die.

Literally. This is all going to kill me and IT'S NOT WORTH IT.

E-mail just sent to my advisor:

"Holy crud I'm totally freaking out. I only 92 units. +20 is only 112 which leaves me SIXTEEN short! How did this happen? If I fulfill requirements and crud this semester shouldn't I be done? Do they make exceptions for transfers? If not, I need to know a) where my retro credits went...I thought we were allowed to transfer up to 70 credits and they didn't count any of my retros, only transferring 58; b) If there's a way to even out the credits from my old school...cuz they went on a different scale and counting 3 credits for equivalent classes here that are 4 is ridiculous (and it's fine if they want to change the 5 credit ones to four too...)

"Maybe it is different, because when I talked to the film dept about my minor they said that even though there were only three credits there it didn't matter because I fulfilled the requirements.

"Is that the way it goes? Because I'll have everything after this semester if this break-neck plan works... I can't do another semester. I have to LITERALLY pep talk myself everyday to even get through this one. I don't have the money either. I just can't...

;_;

~Emily"

Notice the missing word in the first sentence. Notice me sobbing silently the whole time I'm writing this. Notice how my mental well being doesn't exist on this campus.

I'm TRYING SO HARD.

I don't know what to do anymore. I guess I just can't think about it, as if that's possible. Pink elephants.

I just have to go to school this week and pretend like I don't care that they're processing my overload request. Whatever happened to my graduation application? I wonder if they've already found me out.

I HAVE TO GET OUT OF HERE.

Maybe I'm doing this to myself. Probably I'm doing this to myself.

There's not really anything wrong with campus. It's pretty and nice. It's just that I HATE IT.

I can't even think about this without crying. I cry too much these days.

What is going to happen to me? This question sounds so vague and unanswerable but in fact, the answer is very clear. Ok, no it's not. I thought it was, but it's really not. The obvious answer would be, "You're going to have to put up with another WHOLE YEAR of this place, trying not to die," but my loans are all different now, I don't have the money. I don't have the ENERGY. My actual school work is like NOTHING compared to the tremendous amount of emotional shit going on in my head. Are we at the center of some giant pentagram? Are the forces of the universe aligned against me?

"FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, SHUT UP! That's such a ridiculous thing to think. Why did you even type that? You don't meant it."

My goal for the week in my Tiger Lore book (because I find myself actually writing crap up there because I can't deal with anything) was, "Don't despair," and then as an after though, I added, "as much. You're ok!" I even drew a little cute smiley to try and remind me that life isn't so bad and it's NOT so bad, but school is. It really is.

I'd like to beat myself up right now for being such a pussy and not being able to "handle it," but that would be violating my goal that I didn't keep for LAST week, which was, "Keep...err...BE NICE TO YOURSELF" because the week before I didn't "keep" my goal either which was simply, "Be nice to yourself."

I need to stop. This is a bad habit and it only makes me feel worse because I'm NOT nice to myself...at all...ever. At least not without putting a whole lot of thought and effort into it.

The brightside: I got all my stuff done today. I have extra time. I even DID Japanese and I still have time for more. And you know what else? Most of the stuff I did this weekend isn't due until later this week. Even though I hate the paper I wrote yesterday, it's done. That's just how I am bound to feel whether it's good or not. It's not good, but...ok. Uhm...so yeah I did a good job getting things done. I also have a ride on Friday. I will be on the first train after 5 headed to Richmond. I love my boyfriend more than anything.

1 comment:

~dUcK! said...

I talked to Scott and of course he was able to calm me down. I'm so glad I can go to pieces on him and he has the patience to tell me it'll be ok.