Friday, September 29, 2006


So Scott is finally coming here this weekend! I'm so excited o_o He should be on the train hopefully right now XD

That was the "Yay" bit.

The "Nerg" bit is that my stomach is feeling sort of ouchy and not well. If the FREAKING DINING HALL MADE ME SICK I will seriously...I dunno what. I'm so mad. This is not a good time for anything even REMOTELY resembling food poisoning. Can I please just have a good weekend? PLEASE? I've been waiting ALL week and I've been good. Seriously, if my weekend gets messed up because of some tuna salad or something dumb like that, GAH. I'll cry : /

UPDATE: *trying to think happy thoughts*


The beta switch.

Where have all the other LD catz gone? Jeremy (mostly) and I are almost the only ones posting nowadays...

Ah welllll...

Here's to Friday being almost over. I love the fact that I just spent all the time I was going to use to write my politics presentation outline doing that LD entry :D

S'ok. I'll be bored after astro. I need to go eat lunch now. It's wayyyyy past time for that.

Thursday, September 28, 2006


Why do I feel so uptight? I should just be relaxing and stuff, maybe reading a chapter of politics, but that's it! No stress right now! Tomorrow will be easy and then I get to be with the boy all weekend :D

I think maybe I'm not eating enough. I kinda wish I had a scale to see, but if I think I'm not eating enough, then it's probably the case that I'm not eating enough. Not sure what to do about that. Everything is so yuck. I have a friend who lives off of cereal, yogurt, and bananas.

Had three appts for Japanese tutoring today. One for third semester and two for first. I think they went pretty well. Hopefully I was able to clarify some things for them. I need to come up with some practice stuff for Tuesday...

Man, last night I slept so horribly. Maybe that's why I'm off today. *shrug* I just hate feeling off. Especially when I know I get to see Scott @_@ Why can't I just feel perfect for a while?

I've been thinking lately that maybe I should just screw the pills. I wish I could. I mean I spontaneously felt fine last week. It wasn't the pills that did that. I think I just have mood swings. Maybe I AM mildly bi-polar. I dunno, but who really cares? I just wonder if maybe I wouldn't have all these random little phsyical complaints if I quit. Maybe it's all just side-effects.

I have an apple sitting on my desk that I'm not too keen on eating, but I think I will anyways...

Blah, it's ok. I'll read at least a bit of this politics crap and then play Gamma Bros. :D

Well, I guess I'll just put this out there...


That means, "I'm only a student." It's the title of my Japanese voiceblog. I've always heard that it's good to record yourself because you can critique it afterwards, so I figured I would try it...and post it. OK, yeah, I'm sorta hoping some Japanese person will somehow run across it and laugh or something. Or maybe tell me how bad I am. Most of the time I just read stuff. Sometimes I guess I will try to extemporize. The first post (furthest down) is like that. The second is a thing from my textbook. The third is a song. The fourth is my homework for Friday.

I'm going to try to keep going... Unfortunately the mic built into my laptop does not pick up very well. I'm leaning into it for all of this stuff and you will still have to crank the volume a bit. Sorry : / It helps if you turn the volume of the player on the site all the way up first...

*whew* Pressure! Xav, you better go listen ;p See how bad I am :D Of course, all interested parties can feel free to comment as well. Comment here so you don't have to try to guess at the Japanese links. (Hell, even I guess at the majority of the Japanese links...)

Happy Thursday :D

Wednesday, September 27, 2006





Now, I'm pretty sure there was supposed to be more to this entry than regretting the nature of my lunch today, but I can't remember what that would be.

I shouldn't even bother blogging things like this, but for some reason I must externalize!!! Maybe it's a personality flaw : /

Anyways, I THOUGHT I was hungry, so I went to the dining hall. I already knew in advance (since I checked the menu website) that there was nothing I really wanted, so I was short on ideas. In the end, I created this weird salami sandwich with provolone cheese, brown mustard, lettuce, tomato, and pickle on one slice of wheat bread. It looked preposterous. It a sandwich. I was not thrilled. I forced myself to eat half of it and then wondered if I was really as hungry as I had thought I was. On my way out I grabbed a banana. I feel a yuck!

Oh yeah, and then here is a funny yet sad story that happened today also:

I wanted to hear "Long Distance Call" by Phoenix. For some reason, I thought I had their latest CD here. I played it in the shower the other day and thought it stranged that I somehow missed my favorite song. Then I was playing it today, thinking maybe I could find it, but it didn't show up. I tried all of them. Looking at the track listing I could see plainly that it wasn't there. I wondered if something had somehow partially corrupted the CD (which is soooooo against Occam's Razor, it's funny...I guess my brain doesn't work too scientifically : /) I went online to check the track listing for the CD I thought I had. In fact, the one I had was not the one I thought I had. For some reason I had forgotten that Phoenix has not two, but THREE cds out. I own all of them, but only one of them is sitting over there in my cd case in my dorm, and that is the second, not the third. Luckily, it is on their site, so I can listen anyways.




Holy flaming hell.

I think I will cry.

"San francisco * IN STORE PERFORMANCE * on saturday 23th

PHOENIX will be performing live & signing copies of "It's never been like that" at VIRGIN MEGASTORE this Saturday @ 2.00pm

2 Stockton street / San Francisco CA


They'll be playing the same night @ Slim’s 333 Eleventh Street San Francisco, CA"

I was THERE. I was in town. Why wasn't I keeping up on this stuff? I SUCK. My favorite band was performing for FREE down the street and I had no idea. ARRRGH, my brain >_<

Frustration multiplier x2

My roommate just got in the shower where I am supposed to be right now...


Hmm, I can see them on Late Night with Conan O'Brian on Friday, though. NOT THE SAME x_x

Write it down

I had at least two ideas about something which last night seemed very important. Of course, I knew that common sense dictates you write these things down before you go to bed because you'll forget them over the course of dreaming about strange things, sleeping in general, waking up to an alarm, etc.

Did I possess anything remotely close to common sense last night?

Apparently not.

I just hope that one of them wasn't an idea of something to write for LD, because I really need to do that and I'm sort of at a loss. Especially this week, since Jeremy is gone. I had an idea last week and failed to write it down.

I also feel like I should be writing more in general. Last time I wrote fiction was at the VERY beginning of the summer, before my laptop fell into disuse for those three months since the boy's comp is infinitely more useful (having the Internet and all.) Plot just kills me, though. Have I said this already? I can do scenery and characters because it's simple description, but if I try to introduce a story it becomes either cliché ridden and disgusting, or it doesn't become anything at all.

I think the last time I tried to actually generate a decent plot was my fling with The Noodle Stringers. I still think it could be interesting, but I'm not sure why or how. It's sort of a futuristic-Western setting populated by punks and counterfeiters, and maybe our shining glimmering heroine and her not so shining and glimmering sidekick. Actually they were probably punks, too. Anyways, the currency is...noodles. All different sorts of noodles like macaroni, linguini, udon, whathaveyou. I hadn't really figured out a good hierarchy and really, there are so many types of noodles that it would be difficult to figure out how to do it. I think maybe there would be something like fiveish accepted standards and then fringe populations can do their own thing with whatever they like under the table. Ravioli could be used to smuggle...things...hmmmm. Anyhow, anyone who is making noodles is considered a noodle stringer. I also hadn't really figured out how the economy would work because pretty much anyone could make noodles, drrr... But in my mind, there were these rich stringers out...I forget where. I had a whole map drawn out of this area...all labeled and diagramed. Also the region center was very...detailed... Hmm. In fact, not having that information may preclude me from ever seriously working on this again because I can't imagine reforming the region. It had it's character and it's cowboys and whatnot. You can't redo that. Or maybe you can. I dunno.

Maybe I could work in the slip ships, somehow. The cake-eaters, though, they come from a totally different place. I'm sort of proud of them because they are the first ORIGINAL thing to come out of my obesession with Daniel Pinkwater's stuff. When I was in fourth grade I churned out pages and pages of derivative...junk, basically. It wasn't very good, didn't make much sense, and was pretty much a wholesale importation of his universe into my head. In fact, I really hope that I have that piece I wrote somewhere. I did a short thing, sort of like a sketch of them, in my freshman year of high school...which I actually liked... Maybe it's on my old laptop, which my friend in Wisconsin STILL probably has, unless he chucked it, but I can't imagine he would do such a thing.


What was I even talking about? Oh, ideas that are forgotten due to lack of common sense. I remember. You always hear people who give writing advice saying to like...carry a notebook or something. Take notes. Jot down ideas even if it's 3 am. I KNOW this, but do I DO this? Not so much. I don't think it was anything creative last night, though. Probably something for school or something for...something. I dunno. Something boring.


Not boring would be used to describe the new links! There are many in many categories. I will not link them here. Some art, some Japanese, some news, some whatever, I believe. You will find them if you want. They are there, and interesting.

Monday, September 25, 2006

Internet Outage and Work and some crummy news

Actually we'll go in backwards order.

The crummy news (which we'll get out of the way right now) is that I think my open hours have been cut (for the tutoring job.) That means that I have no guaranteed hours at all. My entire salary depends on whether people make appts or not. Luckily I still have my five hours at PRIDE, which amounts to 40 dollars (not counting taxes or whatever.) I suppose that is still enough to travel on, and that is the worst case scenario only. I think I actually have two or three appts this week, so maybe it won't be so bad.

Work was pretty banal. We hung some fliers for the meeting on Wednesday, talked about random junk, read our homeworks, and talked on the phone. Well, at least I did. First with my dad and then with Lily. It's a good thing, too, because that middle hour would've been a killer.

After work, when all I wanted to do was putz on the Internet, listen to some Japanese, see what's on 1Up, etc. the connection was out. Obviously it's back now, and during the interim I studied some Japanese. Maybe it was fate. But now I get to do my screwing off, so this is the end of the entry ;D


This morning I got some help from my astronomy prof. He went over this supposedly simple (but for me horribly puzzling) formula thing and, of course, it made brilliant sense when he did it, but none of the answers I got before had anything to do with what he got.

So he finished explaining it and I mumbled something about having trouble knowing which units to use for the formulas and I hypothesize that that was the moment where this voraginous hole yawned between us. He was like, "Yeah...well...yeah..." and I was like, "Yeah..." and then asked what my major was. I think if there wasn't already a chasm there certainly would've been by the time I said, "Japanese."

It's weird. I never really felt that way before with any of my teachers. Not my math teachers or any science teachers before. Even though they, too, obviously knew more than I would ever know about what I have dubbed the "Chasm studies" (because if I were to jump into the chasm, I would land on the bottom and if I started studying things like basic math and then calculus and then science stuff and etc I would be filling in the hole to eventually bridge and be able to have an intelligent two-way conversation with people over there) I never felt quite so...over here.

Disheartening to say the least! It's not like I'm depressed. I guess I always know that I can't possibly know everything, but I never really thought about how if I know a bunch of one thing and someone else knows a bunch of something else, we can't really have too much meaningful interaction besides explaining stuff to each other, which assumes we have the time and inclination to learn that other stuff. Everyone has their own "community," I guess. Is it better to be a generalist and float around? Maybe one can be special but not toooooooo special. Although now it's starting to sound like no one has a life beyond their academic interests @_@

Thinking too much gives me inferiority complexes :D I think maybe that's the bottom line. I just wish I could be on the same page as everyone all the time and it's just not possible! Too many pages...

CHASM'D!! ;p

Sunday, September 24, 2006

Calendar note

Ok, so I'm always interested in making this semester seem/look shorter than it actually is. Flipping through my homework note book where every week is TWO PAGES does not do that. One thing that DOES, is the calendar my astro prof has on our blackboard site. (I would link, but you have to sign in...) It's just one quick scroll and you're down. Plus, he makes the days we've already done BLUE (not the best blue, but still, any blue is good...) which is nice. It's already been four weeks! We're on a roll ^_^

The other thing I like to do is follow the schedule in the Us Gov & Politics syllabus. It fits on a page and a half, and we're almost done with the half! XD

The best thing, though, is getting away from the school stuff. Maybe it doesn't make it seem like the semester is shorter, but it definitely stretches out the good times. I'm sooooo happy I got away this past weekend! Even though it sucks to come back, the alternative of not having gone is whole buckets of worse.

*love love love...sparkle*

Don't let me forget I have a waffle in the oven...

I get so SNIFFLY when I have to leave Scotty in San Francisco : /

Good weekend, though. Played many a game, ate many a tasty food, and hugged many...times... XD

Friday, my goal was to just: BE DONE WITH EVERYTHING. That went pretty well. I got a lot done and felt very on top of things when I left. Of course there's much to do this week as well, but I'm in a generally better mood than I was before. My ups and downs seem more tethered to the baseline :D (instead of scraggling underneath it like some dying monster-thing XD)

-- Don't worry, I got my waffle. It is now peanut buttery and entering my stomach bite by bite...

So on the train home I sat by some really obnoxious people talking about red light districts and what they do there and what kind of drugs they like and how much they love it and blah blah blah. Rather a bit loud. Anyhow, I still got my crud done.

-- Hmm, maybe another waffle...

This evening I think I pretty much just get to chill. Probably will finish the chapter of my Japanese film book. Very interesting stuff. I hope I can find some of the movies they're describing. Reading about movies always just makes me wish I were watching...

Tomorrow is MONDAY (again! I think the deck is stacked 6_6) The cool thing is that on Friday one way or another, I get to see Scotty again! This is why I have two jobs, so I can leave as often as possible! It's all worth it on those Fridays. Actually, I'm hoping I can get him out here (finally :D) Both my roommates will be absent, so he wouldn't have to worry about that. We could just be wrapped up in our own stuff and not think about anything :D I could show him campus and Cocoro and Java Aroma :D Rock Rock Rock. Either way, though. All I know is that we don't have to wait two whole weeks again!! XD :D ^_^

Thursday, September 21, 2006


Yesterday was...not so bad. Computer class in the morning went fine, I have no trouble in there, at least not yet. I believe I mentioned how little confidence I have in my paper, but so it goes. We haven't had a test yet. So technically, I guess what I'm saying is that I don't have trouble reading the book and answering the questions the teacher asks (which is good because the whole rest of the class, unless he specifically calls on them, is pretty mum.)

Then what, I must've done something. I can't for the life of me remember what. There was lunch, which I ate, but then I'm sure I did something or other between...OH...I remember now. I went gallavanting all over Stockton in the bloody bloody sunlight. Ok, not alllll over, but to the bank and the pharmacy. On foot. In the heat and the blaze and the surprising breeze that made my hair virtually unmanagable. Anyways, I got my stuff done and got back in time to collapse into my desk chair for a few minutes before dashing off to Astronomy.

First disappointment of the day (or at least, first disappointment that actually matters.) I got a B- on my test. One of the mistakes was a Scantron error (on my part...bubbled the wrong damned thing, but on my test copy it's clear that I had it right. The prof is scrutinizing this right now. I only asked about it since he had mentioned that the paper copy- with our work - could be used as back-up. He seems to be waffling on that now...), one was just plain stupidity; I didn't read closely enough. The rest, I just genuinely messed up on. If I get that one point back I might be in B range. If I weren't stupid I would probably have a B+. As it stands now, though, I pretty much suck. (And we'll get back to that later...) Also, since the test is the only really big thing we've had so far, my overall grade is a B- as well...

Dinner was boring.

I got to my first tutoring session a half hour early. Put up my 日本語 sign and waited for my tutee(s) to show up. Was supposed to be the Delta group. Got to be the appointed hour Delta group. I waited fifteen minutes (which is supposed to be how long we're allowed to wait and get paid for) and then fifteen minutes more (because the guy in the office was nice.) Then I left. LATER I found out that the kid had been there since 4, so the fact that I was paying attn to people coming into the center made no difference. Not sure how he missed me with the sign and the kanji dictionaries and such, but it was kind of crowded... We're going to try harder next week *sigh*

Then, since I'm done with all my work for this whole week...already, rather than just screw off I decided to get started on next week's crud. I read an entire chapter of my computer textbook and then realized that I had skipped one. (This morning I read the one I skipped, so now I won't have to read anything from there for probably a week, I imagine.) After that I took at stab at some of the problems based on the Universal Law of Gravity and stuff like that from section 4.5 of our Astro textbook. DAMN did I suck. Partially it was because sometimes the input method for the online module was a little opaque, but sometimes I just had no idea what I was doing. This is alarming. I'm really glad he's not grading this homework (with an actually grade) cuz I would fail : /

That all took a pretty long time, so I decided to just call the boy and sack out. He was unavailable, so I just sacked out. No bad dreams, in fact, none that I can remember. Just sorta uncomfortable pillow and creaky bed.

Boring story, I know, but I really wanted to give myself a break before I start my politics paper, since I've been reading, in class, or otherwise employed since about 8:30 this morning. There's no one to chat to, so I guess I'll

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Feels like midnight

I'm not sure why it feels so late. It felt really late when I got off of work. I took a long shower, so I'm mostly clean now. Long day.

Everyday feels so long.

Yesterday was an eternity.

I always look forward to talking to Scott at basically, I'm killing time till that. All my homework is done through Thursday. I'm so on top of everything it's scary.

Tomorrow is my first day of tutoring.

OH, but last night I had the worst dreams >_< Tough night last night, in case you hadn't heard... I finally got to sleep after flipping out a bit, but then I had these really bad dreams. For example, in one of them I got cancer, and it was this really horrible cancer that depended on me getting my period (one of those familiar horrors). If there was a way to stop me from getting it FOREVER, then I wouldn't get the cancer (and, consequently, wouldn't die from it.) can tell how I feel about it. There was another one that I probably shouldn't mention here, since it's semi-public. Well, it's totally public, but that doesn't mean the public shows up. Either way...

So, after that debacle in the morning (which of course will last can't really take that back) I ended up at the health center getting refills on pills. I asked if my iatrist was around cuz I wanted to check to see if he thought maybe the Wellbutrin was no good for me and thus started this whole process of getting really upset since I was still not really over that e-mail fiasco and everything. My therapist from last year saw me and asked how I was and wasn't I supposed to be in Japan, so then I'm crying, you know, cuz I'm sorta fragile these days. So then blah blah that and then my iatrist and he put me on ANOTHER PILL. He wants me to wait out the Wellbutrin a few more weeks to see if it works. In the meantime he put me on this other thing that I don't really want to take. In fact, I told him I would just wait it out, and we kinda both sat there silently mulling it over. In the end he prescribed it. I probably won't take it, though.

I ended up being late for class, but not missing anything. Group presentation went fine. Then I gave my prof my late note and told him I got held up at Cowell and he was like, "So what's wrong with you?" which is a very tactful thing to ask. He said it was probably being away from home and that it was good I have a place to escape to on weekends and holidays blah. He assumed I was a freshie, though, which is funny.

Lunch was ok. Not very eventful. I had some watermelon, as has been my habit of late. It's sweet enough that even if I want dessert it feels sort of pointless since the taste in my mouth is already so sweet...

The astro lab went fine, I suppose. I think my lab partners are friends, so they usually have their camaraderie going and I sorta do my own thing and we compare numbers. I don't much like numbers. Concepts, yes, numbers, no.

3 and I met at 3 to do Japanese, which was mostly just hanging around. We did study some kanji, though, and talked about vocab. This continued for about two hours. Good fun.

Killed some time on the net before heading to dinner and work. They did Thai curry and it wasn't too bad, but the real thing is better. Chocolate frozen yogurt. I read all three chapters for Thursday, finishing out Lijphart. LOTS of numbers. I took statistics last year, which gives me the vaguest of vague idea of what he's talking about (significant at the 5 percent level yab yab yab). I'm not sure what I'm going to write about it, but hopefully on Thursday we will have some good discussion in class to point me in the right direction. I'm planning to do the paper on Thursday afternoon so the weekend will be mostly free. Maybe a little reading, but that would be it, I think.

The weekend. Yep yep yep Tuesday is done. The moral of last night's story is don't go to bed until you're sleepy. Hopefully I'll be sleepy at about 12:30 so I can get up at 8:30. I wish I could always talk to Scott right before I go to bed. That way I feel really nice as I'm falling asleep. Last night, I'm not sure what happened. I wasn't tired enough and I started thinking all these horrible things. I think I said that in a previous post. Just pessimism with no reason. I need to get rid of that. All those stupid "What if..."s with no basis in anything. It's horrible. I'm going to stop thinking about it because, yeah, it sucks and this afternoon I've been pretty ok. The evening is usually the bummer because there's less to do and I wish I could be talking with Scott, or better yet hanging out in the apt doing whatever it is we do. I miss being there.

So we have Wednesday, Thursday and two classes on Friday before I head out on the train. I also think that I'm going to try to go more often this semester than previously. Since I'm making something like almost 80 bucks a week (I dunno what taxes they take or whatever) and also will have leftover money from my summer job check (which was almost 100 more than I thought it would be) I should be able to afford it. Just thinking about that makes me so happy (I want to cry. How stupid is that? lol Hormones are dumb.)

Boy, I talked an awful lot about an awful lot of nothing! How do I do it? What's my secret? Ha! Like I'd tell you ;D


So last night I was not a very happy and couldn't sleep, so I was writing this miserable e-mail to my mom, right?


I had accidentally clicked the wrong thing and it went to my Japanese prof.

Very slick.

I feel infinitely stupid now...and still miserable. Actually, when I woke up I felt a lot better, but after realizing my mistake...I kinda want to melt into my carpet and become a nasty stain for future residents to wonder at.

Nothing like starting the day off on the right foot.

Monday, September 18, 2006


and I know I shouldn't blog when I'm down. I don't even know where it came from. I'm off of work, got all my homework done...

I think Japanese is just killing me. So many of the things that take so much study here would be so simple and GRANTED if I were immersed.

Campus is a downer.

My roommate is having a thing. It's noisy.

I forgot to take my last dose of antibiotic; I guess I'll have it with breakfast.

I was going to say "for" breakfast, but I always eat breakfast...

Is that uncool? Maybe I'm too responsible for my own good. I mean, not about breakfast, about other things.


Yeah, I shouldn't blog when I'm down. It makes me feel worse.

Live from work

Yeah, wow. Three hours is kind of a long time sometimes. Like when you're in the basement of John B. and there are these weird little bugs flying all over and bumping into you every 3 minutes.

First I read the introduction to one of my new J-film books. It's one of those scholarly things that references other scholarly things, and you have to pay attention to every word and not read like normal, otherwise you miss thet whole point. She talked about how the technology of film is fused with this certain Western ideology. The "normal" way of viewing things that deep focus tech made possible in film is Western. She talked about how in Japanese art you can feel Confucian influence, but with film they adapted to thet Western style. Of course, the whole period was the "hurry up and Westernize" period, so it's not like we forced it on them.

Also, back in the day up till like the '30s they had these people called benshi who interpreted the films. Well, not only the films, but the technology of the films and the technique. It was uber foreign, as pretty much all the films shown in those days were imports. Either that or the Japanese people directing immitated the style so well that it still needed interpreting.

There were probably other things, but I forgot and it's distracting here.

My overload went through, so that's good. I also found out I will probably get my retro credits. The lady said it should be possible, in which case I CAN graduate early. At this point, though, I've gotten upset, so...whatever happens happens.

My astro test went ooooookay. I dunno. I studied a whole ton. I think it helped, but it was over so quickly...hard to be sure.

Other stuff...blah. Blah blah. Monday is nearly over ^_^ :D XD

So, yeah.

I'm making my astro three by five.

I need to pick up my room

and talk to Dr. Cipris. Apparently...

92 + 20 + 12 = 124.

What's that 12, you say? Well that would be all my retros that they didn't transfer for some God-forsaken reason. GOD SHALL FORSAKE THAT REASON NO MORE. I'm gonna have a sit-in one of these days. They're gonna feel my wrath until I get those transferred over. Watch them try to tell me that it's too late. IT'S NEVER TOO LATE.

I only need 124, not 128. SO SAYS THE DEAN.

Anyhow, I'm gonna collect my formulas and go over more astro crud. I hope this test goes well. I did pretty well on the conceptual quizzes online, so hopefully I can do as well on the conceptual quizzes in class on the actual test.

I got my Japanese film books in the mail. I have a pretty sweet idea of how I'm going to work that class:

Japanese Film

JC = A New History of Japanese Cinema A Century of Narrative Film by Isolde Standish
RJF = Reading a Japanese Film Cinema in Context by Keiko I. McDonald
JHC = Japanese Horror Cinema edited by Jay McRoy

Week of Sept 18 - JC Intro
Week of Sept 25 - JC 1
Week of Oct 1 - JC 2
Week of Oct 9 - JC 3
Week of Oct 16 - JC 4
Week of Oct 23 - JC 5
Week of Oct 30 - JC 6
Week of Nov 6 - RJF (selection 1)
Week of Nov 13 - RJF (selection 2)
Week of Nov 20 - RJF (selection 3)
Week of Nov 27 - JHC (selection 1)
Week of Dec 4 - JHC (selection 2)
Week of Dec 11 - JHC (selection 3)

Each week will have a film accompanying it. These are yet to be determined, but should go with the material covered in the chapter. I'll keep a response journal which will hopefully be informed by the readings, or at least I can compare what I thought with the thoughts of the writer. RJF and JHC all have articles on specific films so I will pick chapters and films based on what interests me.

Final - 8-10 page paper on a Japanese film-related topic whether it be a director, genre, studio, or other subject.

So the grade will be based on my journal and the paper. Maybe..70/30?

I don't even know whether all of that is necessary or not. I will talk to Dr. Cipris about this and other matters today and we'll see where the fuss lies at the end.

I feel like my entire college career is a joke.

Sunday, September 17, 2006



That's how I feel. And a new word, "kanzen (ni)" means completely.


That made me really happy, though. I can study a lot and hopefully everything will be ok.

My main problem is that I recognize things without being able to reproduce them. I don't know how to combat this besides maybe writing everything I read down by hand and reviewing grammar like a banshee...


Well, somehow I thought I had enough credits to graduate, but I'm counting and it's not adding up. I'm going to die.

Literally. This is all going to kill me and IT'S NOT WORTH IT.

E-mail just sent to my advisor:

"Holy crud I'm totally freaking out. I only 92 units. +20 is only 112 which leaves me SIXTEEN short! How did this happen? If I fulfill requirements and crud this semester shouldn't I be done? Do they make exceptions for transfers? If not, I need to know a) where my retro credits went...I thought we were allowed to transfer up to 70 credits and they didn't count any of my retros, only transferring 58; b) If there's a way to even out the credits from my old school...cuz they went on a different scale and counting 3 credits for equivalent classes here that are 4 is ridiculous (and it's fine if they want to change the 5 credit ones to four too...)

"Maybe it is different, because when I talked to the film dept about my minor they said that even though there were only three credits there it didn't matter because I fulfilled the requirements.

"Is that the way it goes? Because I'll have everything after this semester if this break-neck plan works... I can't do another semester. I have to LITERALLY pep talk myself everyday to even get through this one. I don't have the money either. I just can't...



Notice the missing word in the first sentence. Notice me sobbing silently the whole time I'm writing this. Notice how my mental well being doesn't exist on this campus.


I don't know what to do anymore. I guess I just can't think about it, as if that's possible. Pink elephants.

I just have to go to school this week and pretend like I don't care that they're processing my overload request. Whatever happened to my graduation application? I wonder if they've already found me out.


Maybe I'm doing this to myself. Probably I'm doing this to myself.

There's not really anything wrong with campus. It's pretty and nice. It's just that I HATE IT.

I can't even think about this without crying. I cry too much these days.

What is going to happen to me? This question sounds so vague and unanswerable but in fact, the answer is very clear. Ok, no it's not. I thought it was, but it's really not. The obvious answer would be, "You're going to have to put up with another WHOLE YEAR of this place, trying not to die," but my loans are all different now, I don't have the money. I don't have the ENERGY. My actual school work is like NOTHING compared to the tremendous amount of emotional shit going on in my head. Are we at the center of some giant pentagram? Are the forces of the universe aligned against me?

"FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, SHUT UP! That's such a ridiculous thing to think. Why did you even type that? You don't meant it."

My goal for the week in my Tiger Lore book (because I find myself actually writing crap up there because I can't deal with anything) was, "Don't despair," and then as an after though, I added, "as much. You're ok!" I even drew a little cute smiley to try and remind me that life isn't so bad and it's NOT so bad, but school is. It really is.

I'd like to beat myself up right now for being such a pussy and not being able to "handle it," but that would be violating my goal that I didn't keep for LAST week, which was, "Keep...err...BE NICE TO YOURSELF" because the week before I didn't "keep" my goal either which was simply, "Be nice to yourself."

I need to stop. This is a bad habit and it only makes me feel worse because I'm NOT nice to all...ever. At least not without putting a whole lot of thought and effort into it.

The brightside: I got all my stuff done today. I have extra time. I even DID Japanese and I still have time for more. And you know what else? Most of the stuff I did this weekend isn't due until later this week. Even though I hate the paper I wrote yesterday, it's done. That's just how I am bound to feel whether it's good or not. It's not good, but...ok. yeah I did a good job getting things done. I also have a ride on Friday. I will be on the first train after 5 headed to Richmond. I love my boyfriend more than anything.

About yesterday and the bit of today that has been

Yesterday I managed to accomplish most of what I set out to do. This kicks whole bunches of ass.

I had to go to that stupid class in the morning for my tutoring job. It sucks that I am getting "certified" and then leaving, but I'd much rather leave than stay on, so... Anyways, it's an 8 week "class" but there are only three "in service" meaning "in attendance" meetings. They're on Saturdays, but only once a month. It shouldn't be too much of a cramp on my style. It's going to be really boring, though, and pointless, too. They fed us soggy sandwiches for lunch. I had half of one because I figured I would be hungry sooner or later. It was...ok, but didn't help my throat.

After that I worked on my computer class paper that is due (at the end of) this week (and surfed.) I had a hard time picking a topic, so I ended up just settling on video games, because at least I could stand it. This paper became one of those with the capacity to make me cry, so I had to compromise. It turned out awful and I hate it, but at least it's done. I think I formatted the notes wrong, but...I dunno. If he docks me for that, then...whatever. He'll probably hate the paper far more than the formatting mistakes.

Enough cheerfulness about that!

At 5 I slouched over to the Korean BBQ, which was actually totally awesome. The food was all homemade and delicious. I would've enjoyed it more if I didn't feel so crummy, but still tasty, etc. I sat with Nila and ran into Youa (from US Gov & Politics.) Ho hum. Anyhow, I waited that out until the KSA (Korean Student Association) made their welcomes and thank yous and come to our events' and then left.

Didn't really get any more done on my paper then because it was almost time for OUTER HEAVEN. Undoubtedly the high point of the day if there ever was one. Insane cartoons and the movie Top Secret! were streamed, made fun of, and then streamed again (but I was doing my homework again by then.) I actually got on the IRC channel. Lots and lots of fun. Still better with Scott, but this was decent in the meantime. AND THAT'S WHAT SCHOOL IS: THE MEANTIME.

If I could only just remember that during my every waking moment this semester, I think I'll be able to take it.

Then after the movie is when I flipped out and hated my paper and didn't want to finish it, but I did and I hate it, but it's done (like I side up there.) I was miserable, but Scott said to look at some goofy comics which cheered me up pretty well. (I think it was Ian who showed me them first, but at the time I think I was too impatient to really read them. This time my sole purpose was be entertained FOR MY SANITY, so it worked really well.) They will probably show up in my links soon.

We talked on the phone for a bit and then I went to bed. Seriously, that evening phone conversation works wonders. No matter how horrible the day was it's all erased and I go to sleep thinking about happy things. (Love love love.)

My alarm had been set for 9, but apparently I wasn't quite ready to be awake. When it went off I was pretty into the dream I was having which featured a DDR-like video game only with drums and clapping, sorta of similar to that DK bongo rhythm game, only...not DK in any way. I was doing this specific level and died once. Then right as my phone started vibrating and beeping I was doing SO WELL, but I woke up. Grr...

I had Cheerios and strawberries on the edge of decay with not enough milk for breakfast. The cereal was the saving grace. Now I'm putzing around when I should really be showering and doing homework. Looks like I will be doing Japanese at 1, US at 5, and Astro during the in-betweens.

I wish I had a calendar to cross days off on, because I bet I actually would. Cross days off till the weekend (and a Scott!), weeks off till the month ends, months off till this whole thing called MY LIFE SO FAR ends and school is over. Really, I'm being optimistic here. I don't have it OK'd yet for me to get out after this semester. If they shoot down my proposal to overload and graduate early, I will just cry, BUT I'M NOT THINKING ABOUT THAT!!!!!!!

I'm thinking about getting crud done, maybe picking up my room a bit cuz it looks like a Propel junkie got loose in the pharmacy on the way to do laundry, but MOSTLY how in less than a week I'll be jammin' with my Scotty :D

Friday, September 15, 2006


it looks like I was feeling much more chipper earlier in the day. Since then I've attended astro (which was just review of chapter 4 even though I read 5 and have more trouble with the first 3...), coughed a lot, escaped the crappy dining hall dinner by having a toast with butter/jam and a piece of pecan pie and then making soup at home later, ...and realized how much crap I have to do this weekend.

I really hate it when the weekend arrives and you realize there just isn't a difference. Anyways, I'm hoping that maybe I'm over-estimating the amount of stuffs to hours in a day ratio. Still feel like I should keep slaving away, though.

Uh...yeah, I dunno what to do exactly right now. I mean, I've been screwing off for quite a while, now, so maybe I should do something. I think maybe I will do "SOMETHING" for a while, and then play gamez...and chatter...and...yay :D

I win!

Today I am going to classes AND getting all my work done. Rock!

AUTO ASSAULT TOURNAMENT!!! Free game! 1Up stuff! Yay! Too bad my computer sucks : /

I still look and sound like crud. My nose is all dry and cracked and bleeding...eww. My cough is still pretty nasty, too. I've been on the drugs for a couple days now, though, so hopefully I'll ok.


And yes, the weekend is near, but honestly, I have just as much, if not more work to do. Plus I have to do fun stuff cuz that's what the weekend is for!! Grah! It's depressing that I'll be here : / instead of in San Francisco. Actually, though, I was thinking that even if I do have class next Saturday, I could just leave afterwards. Doesn't give us as much time, but if that's what I can do, then that's what I can do @_@ No reason to not hang out forEVER just cause we get several hours less...err half a day, err...well, it depends, but STILL ;p

Tomorrow is the Korean BBQ and video gameness with Nila, if she's willing to risk my bronchitis-ness. I dunno if that's really fair or not. When am I not contagious anymore? *shrug* Gameness by myself, then! GAMES! That's what my life is missing these past few days. Plenty of news, but not enough PLAY.

Thursday, September 14, 2006

Keep on going!

I find giving myself pep talks sort If I talk to myself (in my head) and maybe mouth the words if I'm alone, I can feel a little better. If I consciously try to stay positive, I will feel better.

For instance, I really miss Scott tonight for some reason. I talked to him and stuff, but it really made me miss him and just being there. Anyways, instead of dwelling on the fact that I'm not there, I TRY to think, "Only a week from tomorrow" because I should be able to get out there by then. A week still feels like a long time, but hey this one is almost done...

I dunno. I sort of got a lot done today. I mean for a person with bronchial problems. A bunch of astro, like I think I mentioned already, and then some Japanese. I'm gonna listen to the first disk of Nakama 2 when I decide to turn out the lights. See how much I can catch. I'll probably fall asleep pretty quick...

I also got an e-mail from 3 about meeting up for Japanese. We are both kind of in a similar boat, so I think if we partner up and motivate each other we will be able to get through the semester. That's what I have to do. It's so easy to want to cry and feel like I can't make it. It's all overwhelming, but I have to just keep going... Hopefully my extra credits will be ok and then my registration will be complete. Soon, I think, everything will settle down into a schedule I can follow with barely a thought. Just go to the classes, do the work, make some time for friends, and escape as many weekends as I can.

Oh hell, I just remembered that stupid Saturday meeting. The reason I can't go THIS weekend. I hope they aren't every weekend. I just can't do that.

But there I go again. Somehow everything will be ok. Bronchitis doesn't last forever, this week doesn't last forever, September doesn't last forever, the semester doesn't last forever... And then my negative mind says, "Yeah, well, just about EVERYTHING doesn't last forever and that is opening the door to some very unhappy thoughts about sadness and death."

See, I really need to work on this. I really am ok, though!

Slow going

Well, I got my astronomy homework done, or rather, the numbered questions bit of it, I did. Still have to read Chapter 5, which promises to be long and complicated. I'm rewarding myself with a blog break.

I think if I do it section by section and take breaks in between, it won't be so bad. I really hope I feel like ten times better tomorrow so I can go to class, but somehow I doubt it. It sucks, though. This is an important couple of chapters I'm missing : / Very science-y and stuff.

In other news, I ran out of tissues. There were 280 as of yesterday afternoon, but as of ten minutes ago there were none. I took my trash out, so everyone should stay away from the bronchitisy dumpster out back.

I'm realizing how hard I'm going to have to fight to keep Japanese in the shuffle. It was hard enough even when I had 4.5 hours of class every week, but now it's all up to me. I may start going to see Mayumi-sensei more often, once I get better.

Oh, speaking of which, I really need to turn in my overload paperwork. I have the cash, now so I should probably head over there. Ugh. I wish there were Kleenex stations every 10 yards or so. Then I would be able to get around much better. It's either that or have a nasty wad stuck in my pocket...(eww)

I'm going to try to go to dinner at the dining hall. It doesn't really sound that great. It's a bbq themed night. No idea why. So basically it's just sausage and burgers and bbq chicken. A brat (or the closest I could get) would be tasty, I guess...maybe. Not sure, the dining hall tends to somehow mess up just about anything. I have soup at home, but I already skipped enough meals to feed me all weekend and any more I skip will just be wasted : /


Well, I forgot to post this, so I guess I'll just add on...

I turned in my overload petition. Apparently there COULD be more paperwork involved with all this crap, but as of right now I just have to wait and see what happens. After I did that I headed over to the bbq and had a sausage (which seemed more mild Italian than anything else), a couple bites of nasty salad, and a piece of one of those weird big cakes.

You know, a big freakin' huge sheet cake that says, "Go Tigers!" in some abominably colored frosting. It's 2 layers, one white, one chocolate, with some nasty strawberry goo in between, chocolate on top. It wasn't HORRIBLE, but I would've much rather had a cookie or something. I just think it's funny they have these weird generic sheet cakes at all the outdoor bbqs.

Now I'm gonna do more astronomy...and debate about the Wii some more.

Wednesday, September 13, 2006


After the afternoon I feel worse. There are lots of medicines. This morning I started some homework, but I feel so...ugh. No class tomorrow for me. I hope the meds work. It might be viral, in which case, I may sick.

I ate some waffles with peanut butter and fell asleep to techno. Now I'm awake again and maybe sort of hungry. Hard to judge. The boy is hopefully calling later so I can croak to him over the phone the trials and tribulations of the day and see how he's been. There is something loud outside that I dislike. I dunno what's going on, but there's music and someone talking over a mic. I wish I could read when I'm sick. I barely have sit here and Internet. It'd be fun to watch a movie, but I'd rather just be in bed. So I listen to music.

I was supposed to take two pills today, but I only took one. Maybe that was bad. I mean, if it doesn't work, they will probably ask if I took the medecine correctly and I would have to say no, and then they would have the right to say, "Well, what do you expect?" I thought maybe it would make me feel really sick, cuz the guy at the pharmacy said it would. Maybe since I feel the same, now, three hours after having taken one, maybe I could eat something and have the second. Sounds sort of like a plan...maybe.

Since I didn't go to the dining hall at all today I have two saved up for the weekend, which is handy. I need more vegetables in my diet, but the ones at the dining hall are usually horrible. Like, I'm almost wary of REAL vegetables now, because those are always so bad. Also, I've found that I really still don't like them THAT much. It's still a chore to eat them, just...I can.

Uhm...bleh. I really wish I wasn't sick.


I'm not sure what should go before that. Maybe, "unfortunate." I didn't get much sleep last night since I was mostly coughing... I'm not very good at dealing with being sick. Anyhow, I called the advice nurse people just now and the lady said to do...pretty much the normal stuff. I asked if I should go to class and she said probably not... Which, I mean I'd feel shitty about going to class anyway, since I feel worse than yesterday. I hate missing, though... I dunno. I don't like having gaps in my notes.

I have an hour to kill before I can go to the doctor, and even then I dunno if I can get in. I guess I will call them.

It's lonely to be sick.

I guess if I stay home I will just end up reading textbooks in bed. However, when I read in bed I get tired, usually, for some reason (probably cuz it's bed.) Hell, though, it's probably a good thing by now if I can get SOMETHING to knock me out.

I really regret not doing laundry earlier, now. I have like...pretty much no clothes, and of course laundry is just all I want to do when a breath that isn't quite shallow enough draws the cough from hell.

I did get some sleep, but definitely not as much as the night before (which was still pretty...coughful.) No idea when I finally fell asleep, but definitely a ways after 1. Then I woke up around...5 something and haven't been able to sleep. So I may have gotten as much as 4 hours, but then I seem to remember being vaguely awake at some other point as well. It wasn't a good sleep, it was a dozy stupid sleep threatening to be ended at the slightest inkling of a tickle in my throat or any sort of noise indicating the World.

It's probably just a cold, which sucks. I mean, yeah, great I don't have like DEATH, or anything, but why do I always get such horrible colds? I need tissues. I used up pretty much all the random ones in the bathroom (that I didn't buy.) We're almost out of toilet paper... ALL IS LOST. I'm so not going ANYWHERE, except maybe the wellness center, and if I go there then I'll probably stop to pick up my package on the way back, since it's right there. Maybe my books for Japanese Film came and I can start that this afternoon while I drink plenty of fluids.


Still way too much time to kill. I was thinking about going and having breakfast on the way, but it would probably be nicer of me to brush my teeth and have breakfast on the way back instead. Well, I guess I'm gonna go write some e-mails and explain to my profs that I'll see them on Friday : / if I'm lucky...

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

It's strange...

Having not blogged all day, I can't really think of anything too much to talk about. It was sort of the same run of the mill schooly school school, but I just didn't bitch about it in my blog like an emo LJer.

It's been frustrating with this cough. Really reminds me of last year. I almost wonder if it's just allergies again or what... Just so annoying coughing up a storm in all my classes, can't sleep...blah blah.

Hung out with Nila, who is pretty much my new best friend. We met totally at random the other day cuz I was stalking Dr. Cipris to get him to sign some paperwork for me. We meant to study, but it didn't really happen.

Crud, I should've filled out my timecard today...grrr. I guess tomorrow I will do it at the PRIDE meeting. Man, though. I feel bad. I'm going to have to not go to pretty much any of those since I am tutoring a group of students from the community college down the road from probably 6-8.

What else? Talked to my Favorite, and he seemed well. It's really weird, though, because he goes to bed before I do. I feel like the universe is really out of balance if he is tired before me. That just doesn't happen o_o I should probably be going to bed earlier, but honestly, there just isn't any reason to get up before 9 or maybe quarter to if I'm showering, and I don't really sleep more than 8 MAYBE 9 hours unless I stayed up really late or am unusually zonked.

Food is still annoying me. It was a Chinese-themed dinner night with tasty egg roll and yucky everything else...Mostly today I ate a lot of fruit, and I can tell because my tongue noticed all the sweeeeetness, mostly from the pomegranite limeade (yeah, I know o_O That's why I had to try it) I think.

I need to look on brighter sides AND also try to regain my former enthusiasm for Japanese. When I was teaching myself in high school, it was so fun. That's just what I did. It was great. I was just learning because I was interested. Somewhere along the line it became chore-like (esp here) so I need to "rewind to go forward," or what have you.

Hopefully little by little everything will come together...

Too momentous a bullshit to pass up

So I'm about to go to bed, right? It's probably past the time that would be good anyways, I need to get up to shower, go to the library, etc, whatever, and NOW I get the hiccups. I honestly don't remember the last time I had the hiccups. THEY WON'T STOP.

So fucking stupid.

On a more positive note, I studied and talked to Scott which cheered me up pretty well. Then I watched the end of American Beauty which I'm too lazy to link to. You probably already saw it anyways. After that I was going to just go to bed but got roped into being social, which was fine, but now it's 1 am and I have the hiccups.


Monday, September 11, 2006

I blog too much.

You'll notice, however, that I really only blog too much when I'm upset. Things are so out of whack at school.

FOOD is out of whack at school.

I don't even know what the whack is, but it's out...

For instance, I watched them SPRAY COOKING OIL (from one of those cans) DIRECTLY ON PANCAKES this morning. One side was cooking and the other that was up got a nice dose of oil. Moral is: cook your own damned pancakes!

But I can't cook my own everything. Meal plan is meal plan is meal plan. I had chicken tacos for dinner and they were...not so great. I think from now on I'll just be sure to have breakfast at home and the other two meals (during the week) at the dining hall. As for the weekends? DAMNED IF I KNOW. I'll come up with something. Probably more macaroni to go with the rest of that ground beef and peas in the freezer.

Maybe tomorrow I'll try blogging ONCE in the evening. That is my cap. Just one time. This doesn't really help me cope so much as enable me to FEEL SHITTIER by thinking ENTIRELY TOO MUCH about EVERYTHING.

I have work soon. I sincerely hope I won't be expected to accomplish anything during that time, because I'd really like to just read my politics homework.

Then maybe I'll watch that movie when I get back...*shrug*


It is so hard to have any kind of get-up-and-go here. I feel sluggy and useless. I know I have to get over this, cuz I'm here, and I'm going to be here for the semester, save happy weekends of escape to San Francisco.

I told my roommate I was glad they weren't watching the movie until 9:30, because I would go...but I think I'm going to flake. I can just tell I'm not in that sort of a social mood.

I did meet a cool girl named Nila. She's a new transfer, Japanese major, wants to be a professor of Japanese studies in the future. She sees things here kind of like I do. Brave soul, coming here while recognizing the fact that they're combining the Japanese dept with the Chinese dept and calling it East Asian Studies...

Well, I got out of my Japanese class. Indepedent study now. Seems for the best. I just need school to be over. That will be the best. Anyways, I'm going to be counting an awful lot on myself this semester. I need ACTUALLY BE ABLE TO COUNT ON MYSELF. Anyone have any ideas on how to get into it? (Academics, not parties or clubs or bullshit stuff like that.)


Yeah, last night was STUPID. I officially detest my upstairs neighbors, and that is not hyperbole. They were having some sort of party or something until past one in the morning complete with drunk idiot screaming at the top of his lungs something mostly to the point of "motherfucker." GAH. These people! Banging on everything, blasting crappy music... College is so dumb. I really hope the cops came and broke it up.

After getting less sleep than I should have, I woke up and rushed a breakfast of blueberry pancakes and a sip of water before going to COMP 41. Then I came back here and had some banana bread with cream cheese. Lunch menu tells me there is lamb...

Yeah, I forgot to change my meal plan before I left, so I'm stuck at 10 a week. I don't remember if I wrote that or not. It's probably fine. Less time to waste on cooking.

Japanese is still giving me a headache. I think I need to throw out logistics and just LEARN SOME FREAKIN' JAPANESE. I feel like it's a lost cause...which is bad. I really shouldn't be allowed to think that. Actually, I e-mailed Yusuke. That was good. Haven't read his reply yet, because I'm sure it will be kanji dictionary intensive, but I feel like that will be good help...maybe...or something.

Both my jobs start this week PRIDE center MT, tutoring WR, Friday is off so I can jam out to Frisco asap.

I realized last night that my astro class is moving really fast. Am I supposed to be mastering all these concepts on the fly like this? I don't really have much of a precedent for this. Last time I took a science class was...five years ago >_< Flaming hell, though.

Tomorrow I can pick up my check, but I really should have taken more money out of my account because the amount I asked for will really only pay people back. I guess with my check from my summer job coming in, that won't be so bad... I just remembered that Contact is coming out week. That rocks so much. Hopefully I'll have my check by then and will be able to afford a slight reward for...being alive.


I'ma go get some papers signed.

Sunday, September 10, 2006

mini earth

I watched the the movie. Of course, it's horrible, but the first thing that popped into my head was:

Man, if the world was only a village of a hundred people think how EASY it would be for us to help one another out. I would make dinner and instead of sticking the leftovers in the fridge to essentially rot unless I find the will to eat them I would just serve it up for the whole neighborhood. Damn, dude, I could teach people to read out of my house. The richest people are only SIX? I think 94 of us could take them on for sure (especially after we feed'em all up and we're strong and smart.)

I guess the point is that it's just a scale model...and I'm overthinking it...



Real life is a lot more complicated.

I am disturbingly awake

and probably not helping the matter with my cinniraisin toast and orange juice...

It sounded tasty!!! >_<

Still, though, quite strange. Usually I'm pretty zonked by this time of night. Luckily I don't have any really early classes, so it won't matter if I stay up another couple hours.

(Sick people should really be in bed, though...)

Anyways, it's a good opportunity to read the rest of my astronomy homework.

Athlete and my silly dorm

Well, I'm trying to take this more in stride and less...stupidly lol. I'm at school. Listening to Athlete (Vehicles and Animals) here as I pick up (a tiny bit) doesn't seem so bad. I had a really good weekend, even though I got kinda sick. I'm so lucky with Scott.

On the train home I talked a bit with some kid whose name I never found out. He had a hell of a time finding the bus station to take him to the train. Another fellow and I both recommended he take the BART next time. Save him a lot of money etc. I had a sandwich with really thick bread.

Man, I really love this CD.

Uh, so the train was fine. Getting a cab took longer than I would've liked. Not so bad, though, once it happened.

Now I'm just sorta here. Feel ok. Throat still irritated. Hopefully I'll be able to sleep...


Attitude Problems

Yeah, in case anyone's missed it, I've been in quite the fucking mood lately. So now that I'm SICK on top of it, we might as well just give up. It's freaking 3:30 in the morning. I managed to sleep for a couple of hours, but now I'm wide awake. Can't sleep. Feel worse than I did before. My throat is bugging the hell out of me. It's not even that bad, it's that it's irritated (sort of like me) so I have to keep swallowing all the damned time which is bothering my stomach (and me.)


And there are people cackling outside.

And I have to go back to school in like 16.5 hours. (God, I almost said, "home." Don't let me do that. I'm not even hanging up my posters cuz I freaking hate it.)

On a train.


To Stockton.

To do more work.

And I don't even have a ride yet...

I think I seriously need to let some shit go, but I'm not very good at doing that. I was doing a really good job this weekend. Even wrote my paper without too much of a fuss. Generally feeling a lot better than I had all freaking week at school, and then I had to get sick.

I'd like to blame my roommate and hate her, but that wouldn't be nice and of course, there's no way to prove it's from her.

I had a dream where I was being really mean to my mom and my sister. For some reason they were bugging me about the name of this band I liked (it was playing...I don't think it's a real band) and I couldn't think of it (probably cuz it wasn't real) and that was really making me mad. And it was making me mad that they kept asking, making me feel stupid. Basically I was just being an all around jerk, to everyone. I realized that's pretty much the way I AM right now, at least to myself and my blog (and not knowing the answer to the question? How about fucking too difficult Japanese and astronomy and politics etc etc infinity?) I feel like I'm acting really dumb about school and everything, but I'm just genuinely not happy there. I don't feel like it's something I should hide, but at the same time, it just seems really immature to mope about it. Get over myself, or something : /

I took some cough medicine because I thought it would maybe help my throat. No such luck. I was hoping maybe it would make it so I didn't have to swallow every 2 seconds and make my stomach feel crummy. And maybe make me tired.

Technically, I should be drinking water, but I don't want to just drink water and pee all night. I should be SLEEPING. Why am I so damned awake? Scotty is sleeping, or at least resting well. Why can't I just follow a simple example and leave my brain on autopilot for a while?

Everything sucks ten times worse when you're sick. Always puts me in a really rotten pathetic mood. I should just GET OVER IT and concentrate on feeling better, but it seems sort of futile, since I JUST got sick today. See, I'm just getting depressed now. It only takes something as simple as that and I hate school, don't want to leave, feel like a pathetic loser, and hate myself for writing it all in my stupid blog that was supposed to be talking about how great it is to be learning so much Japanese...

Friday, September 08, 2006

@_@ %_% *_* &_&

That last one looks like my eyes are falling out, or are pregnant, or...are crying little fishies.

Well, I got most of my crud done last night. Still have some astro to read before then. Astro and Japanese to do. Which means I should probably be getting on that soon. Anways, I woke up early, so I feel entitled to a LITTLE screwing around.

I might have a ride to San Francisco tonight. If there's a weekend to stay home this month, this would be the one cuz there's Network Games on Saturday. Scott can't come here though, and if I really do have a ride, I'm definitely taking it.

I bought a smallish box of laundry detergent last night. I was planning on doing that this weekend, but it can definitely wait (like...another couple days lol Soon I'm really going to need...well, I probably already need underwear and socks. Dammit! V_V)

I think I'm off to the Summit for coffee. JUST COFFEE (with milk!!) I don't care WHAT kind of donuts they have *scowl* lol

Those are some boring paragraphs. Except the first they all start with I.

Thursday, September 07, 2006


You know, if I wasn't so sick of studying from all my other homework, I would probably be doing Japanese right now. I fucking hate school.

That's distressing. My blog is becoming an index of how much I hate everything...

I can't look at a textbook right now. Maybe I will...go...



I can't thiiiiiiiiink...

Man, good thing I only had one class today, cuz I have no BRAIN. GAH...stupid music everywhere. I can't stand it. There has to be shit going on all the fucking time. Not only in my room, but out the window, upstairs, you can't avoid all this noise that's just constant. I mean, I suppose I should just ask my roommates to turn down the stereo. I dunno why we needed a stereo anyways. "Good for parties," GREAT. Fucking great. It's a bummer, because they're not BAD roommates. I just don't want roommates. I helped in the most minute possible way to make banana bread cuz we had a whole bunch of mushy bananas, but the whole time I was doing it I would've rather been in my room trying to find DATED ORDERED clips of The Colbert Report, which is fucking difficult.

I am SO just hating the world lately. Even when I'm feeling ok, I'm still very irritable and I just can't handle all the bullshit. I have the rest of this "hardware basics" chapter and then a couple sections of astronomy to read. That is me SCALING back on what I had intended to accomplish this afternoon cuz I could tell I was just going to end up fucking around or being too cold or noise bombarded to think or get so damned sleepy for no reason.

*ate a peach*

Man, I think it's getting serious. I'm gonna go to the library till I get this shit done. Might as well take those books back, too *sigh* Anyways, I can write them down and read them later, like after stupid school is over.

On a happy note, I found out that Amity and most of the eikaiwa companies provide health benefits. That's important because I need them after I graduate. The problem is...I don't really want to go right away. Theoretically, I could wait a couple YEARS, but...I don't really want to do that either. I just...BLAH... I mean, what if I really like it and end up want to start looking for "real" job? I soooooooo didn't think I'd be in love with the best boy ever at this point.

I shouldn't even be worrying about that yet.

Fucking textbooks.

Sad sad Milwaukee

What the fuck. Why can't I see Milwaukee in the news without it being some horrible gang of people doing evil?

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Today officially gets...

a fucking F-.

Even the awesome conversation I had with Three couldn't bring it up enough to qualify for an F. We reminisced about cool things and decided to be study buddies for Japanese so I can escape my class. It was good, but everything else managed to encroach once more. I need to get better at cutting out my patch of happy.

Both times I tried to call Scott today, I woke him up. How do I manage that shit? God. I suck. I just want to make sure he's doing ok, tell him I love him, and feel better just for hearing his voice, and instead I rob him of his well-deserved and much-needed sleep.

I STILL haven't done any of my homework. Luckily tomorrow is my ONE CLASS day. So if I put my mind to it I should be able to get all caught up.

My roommate has a fucking cold. THAT'S ALL I NEED!!!!!


Work cut out for me

Here is the essay my US Gov & Politics prof (Benedetti) told us to look to as the epitome of style. George Orwell, "Shooting an Elephant." (Actually we were told it was called "To Kill An Elephant" but this seems to be incorrect.) Very well written (obviously), but quite depressing. My first book review is due on Tuesday. We'll have to master it (and the book) by then.

Listening to 80s music

That's weird, huh. Well, if you know me it is. Maybe I will get used to it.

Today was all around pretty crummy. Woke up an hour early because my roommate was (I thought) throwing up. Upon further reflection I came to the conclusion that she was probably just brushing her teeth. Living in dorms, etc, you learn that many many people either like to completely empty their throats into the sink or somehow manage to gag themselves on accident... Nevertheless, I was already awake. Made bagel sandwiches, could've done with more egg and less...bagel, and maybe some bacon.

Computer class (XD) was fine except that I read the wrong chapter. It didn't really matter much because Scotty taught me binary already and I read the appropriate chapter in How Computers Work in the summer, sooooo...but still. I felt kinda dumb.

After that I slacked a bit, after running around getting papers signed found out that my petition to overload credits can't be accepted without $25 CASH fee . Fucking fee. I was cranky. I told her I didn't even know what I was going to eat for dinner since I only had a dollars so I didn't know what to do. She told me to come back when I had money. Also, there is the chance that they will just NOT let me overload. I mean, if they don't want me to graduate early, they could just say I can't...

That made me mad.

Then I went to Japanese. That made me feel horrible. I'm no good anymore. I think I burnt out...somewhere...I just don't know what to do. Not to mention the fact that I can't read the textbook she picked. The other one I got is more where I'm at, which is really sad because I would've been THROUGH it already LAST year if I was still in Milwaukee. Honestly, though, there is no use thinking about that because there is NO WAY I would take California back. San Francisco back. The boy...back. No way. I don't even want to think about it, but in instances like these, it's hard not to wish I could've somehow had everything at once.

So that got me good and upset. Then I had to go to Astro where I realized how many mistakes I made on my homework (not too serious, but still, by this point...bleh bleh bleh). I also for some reason thought he was talking about parallax, which he wasn' all. Instead he was talking about sidereal days, which, by the way, is pronounced "side-EAR-ial" and not "SIDE-real." you all know...


Hey, at least I didn't SAY it. He said it. Actually for all I know it COULD be "SIDE-real." He does say "celestrial." (Kind of like how my comp teacher says "periphial." I mean, I know no one's perfect, and it's not that big of a deal, but my ears prick every time...just sort of distracting.)

Speaking of comp class, I've got a paper due on some aspect of computer history. I was thinking about writing about retro video games, but then I thought maybe I should pick something I'm not likely to go learn about on my own anyways. Like, what's something I wouldn't be inclined to figure out stuff about without this class pushing me to do so? I might write about vacuum tubes. I was thinking maybe...I could find a book...containing some...anecdotes about people...who...used them. Or broke them. Or...I dunno what I expect to find. Something to make a really exciting essay with and then maybe I could put it on LD, too.

I'm wondering how soon new meds would affect my mood. One of my friends mentioned I seem really different (and emo.) Lately I'm very...moody. I get very square and kind obsessive when I'm not feeling good about the way things are going. I dunno. It's hard not to be upset about everything, ESPECIALLY Japanese. I almost feel like it's a lost cause, which is bad.

Shouldn't think about it.

So, I had this great chocolate mousse for dinner and then, minutes later, remembered that they are having S'MORES tonight at some informational meeting that I don't really care about, but could have attend for previously mentioned chockamallow goodness. Ohhhhhhhh well. My roommate wants chocolate and had a slice of dried mango instead. It's all relative.

Scott and I decided last night that as far as the world goes, we're both doing pretty damned well (even though we're both kinda down and pining away.) I should just be happy with that, I guess, not complacent, but happy enough to KEEP IMPROVING things instead of getting dragged down.

Speaking of...all that crap. I think I need to work on my perfectionist/completionist instincts. I'm not completionist in games at all, but in other things I feel off if I don't have the sense that I got all there is. I was thinking about this in regards to Japanese after writing in my 1up blog about reading (like the news and blogs and...1Up lol). I need to stop trying to find "THE BEST METHOD" and just pick ANY method and study GOD DAMMIT. If I allow myself to be paralyzed by the lack of a "PERFECT METHOD" then I will never ever ever learn anything and continue to hate myself for my lack of skillz.

Uh...*dumps contents of brain with an unhealthy sounding "plop" into her blog*

That should about do it.

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Hey, everyone.

I did my astro homework, how 'bout that? Perhaps next time I should ask advice on where the darkest place on campus is, cuz of course every freakin' sidewalk, lawn, and rooftop are FLOODED with damnable LIGHT.


And I didn't actually print the worksheet. Made my own. Very, uh...ghetto.

First, though, I played some DDR all by my lonesome. I failed a couple times, but only a couple. Then I did have that Snickers bar. It tasted realllly good. I'm gonna read the rest of my homework so I can go for the snooze time.

Technically, I should shower, but instead I will put it off till the morning so my hair won't look funny in computer class :D

(I realize how ridiculous it is to call it "computer class," but that only makes it more fun ;p)

"a croaking dalek with laryngitis"

There's a picture of this implant in my textbook. I didn't know we had this. I'm not sure if it really sounds worth it, though. Sounds like too much trouble, also a little creepy. Those computer voices usually creep me out. It wouldn't be like talking to your friends unless you got really visually oriented. No one can afford it, anyways...

Concentration Depletion

You want to know WHY? How ridiculous it is. I fear I will become hungry at some point in the relatively immediate future. Say, a couple or three hours. I had dinner at 5, a banana a bit ago. It's just too stupid.

I only do this when I'm not happy.

School is a huge drag on my happy index. When I'm too stressed and not happy and wishing I were elsewhere I obsess about food and worry about stupid things.

I KNOW that's the only reason I'm even thinking about it, but that doesn't help. I'd like to go play DDR, but that will only exacerbate the imminent hunger.

What could I eat? There isn't really anything that I have that I haven't already eaten today. This is the problem involving lack of groceries.


I kinda want a Snickers bar. I also kind of need a shower.


Pretend we just kept going

So we got my textbooks and had crepes which were very tasty. Mine had red bean paste, banana pudding (with BANANAS), kuromitsu, and whipped cream all folded up tasty-like. YUM! I shared a bit with Scotty and I think he liked it, too.

We wandered around, and then meandered over to Haight and Ashbury (quite a bit of walking we did that day) where we strolled about and ate tasty hamburgers. Finally went in Amoeba Records. It's BIG and they have tons and tons and tons of musics. Many. Also DVDs, which I guess I could've expected, but never thought to.

Then I think when we arrived home we had a youtube fest...unless I am remembering incorrectly. In any case, we all love:

It's important that you love it, too.

Mmmm...unfortunately Scotty's parents had to take off pretty quick Sunday morning. I had a lot of fun hanging out with them and only hope I didn't act like too much of a freak to be likable x_x

The vast majority of the rest of the long weekend was spent playing Magic: The Gathering. This is somewhat amazing considering that when I was a little kid I wanted to play SO bad and begged my parents for a deck. Then when I finally got one I realized I was the only person I knew who cared and also that I didn't really understand how to play. Too bad Scott wasn't my friend back then (although back then we would've been on different planets as far as social life goes...) cuz he was playing up a storm with his pals. LUCKILY, he's got a zillion cards that his parents lugged all the way from Maine, so we put together a bunch of decks and playyyyyyyyyyed and played and played. Much fun XD

We also watched a few episodes of The Tick in full living breathing human form. In fact, we showed some to his parents as well before they left. It's funny. In fact, I might even go so far as to say I enjoy it more than the cartoon EXCEPT that The Tick is REALLY stupid. He was always a little clueless, but in the live-action he's almost unbearably dumb. It also gets rather old just watching Arthur tell him he wants to go somewhere alone (Ok, we get it, Tick thinks they're a duo for life. I wonder how they go to the bathroom...) I love Batmanuel (and the fact that he has his own wikipedia entry XD), though. He's way cooler than his cartoon counterpart.

Leaving is always unbearable. Monday when I had to go I was sooooo sad. You'd think it would get easier, but it doesn't. Always a pretty miserable experience. Hugging and kissing across the barrier until I absolutely HAVE to get on the escalator down to the train : / I'll bet he doesn't have much more fun walking home uphill alone than I do riding the trains back to yucky Stockton...

Yeah, I'm getting more and more sick of school. Actually I'm also beginning to wonder if I really like to cook, or if it's just something I tell myself. If I really liked to, you'd think I would somehow acquire ingredients and go to it, but when I look at recipes it all looks like so much work and I hate putzing around with raw meat and blergh. I need to do something, though, because as much as I love pizza, it's not exactly the best thing for a person. What I did figure out is that it is probably fairly economical to get a small salad at the bar in the Summit. They're only 3 dollars. I think that would probably save me lots of time, if not money. Sometimes cooking for yourself is cheaper, but in the case of the salad, I could see all of the ingredients ending up to be an awful lot, not to mention the time spent chopping etc.


I was looking for a damned (tasty-looking healthy one person college studenty) recipe site for hour...on fucking accident V_V Didn't exactly succeed.

Anyways, time for homework crap.


Oh man...blogger is in a new beta. I made a silly joke blog that I haven't posted in. I really don't want to switch. Does this mean I have to like...physically move all my blogs over to the new blogger? Or do these sites stay? I guess I don't have a problem moving. I need to get answers to these questions >_< Just one more stupid thing to worry about...

Nothing like an astronomy lab

to put one in a foul mood. Now I remember what I hated most about science. Fucking labs. Fucking working with people you never wanted to talk to EVER and now have to and explain your way of thinking in vain and they try to explain crap to you and you have no idea what they're talking about and you're all probably more stupid than a rock anyhow.

So that's not very NICE, but I'm not in a very nice mood.

Other gripes with astronomy:

-Not only do I hate labs in general, I especially hate labs on scale. Scale just makes me mad. Sure it's interesting to think about in an abstract way (e.g. "the universe is really fucking huge,") but all these weird analogies just piss me off more than anything. Mapping the solar system out on the campus lawn, in other words, did not teach me much, especially considering we've already been through the grapefruit-sized sun scale that starts in DC...

-I don't like the night sky. I mean it's nice to look at, but as a topic of study it's really just irritating. I don't want to measure degrees or draw maps. Constellations as goofy patterns, fine; constellations as the celestial united states is annoying. Learning about where the sun is in the sky or what phase the moon is in is boring to me. I feel bad about it, but it just is. I'm sure this is a big part of the reason why I quit astronomy the first time.

In fact, maybe I really DON'T find astronomy interesting. I have this idea that I do, but maybe it's just too much science and not enough...whatever else I thought would be in there.


Well, I just opted out of my first week of PRIDE work. This should give me a little more time to get my shit together. Hopefully everyone will understand. Honestly, I think I would probably just be in the way during our "renovation" anyways. I can't really move heavy things or paint...whatever. I'd probably just stand around awkwardly.

I have to make it to a variety of offices before they close, so I should get running, but DO LOOK FORWARD to the rest of the weekend's blog ramble.

Getting ahead of myself

I'm definitely going to talk about my kickass Labor Day weekend with the boy and his parents, but I don't really have enough time right now to get into it and I really don't even know if I have enough time to do THIS, since I have to be at astro lab in a half hour...but I wanted to do this instead of read or study or whatever for a minute.

So we'll say the first order of business AFTER the weekend is my new meds. Hopefully this will mean less side-effects and more happiness all around.

Second is my US Gov & Politics class. Today we talked about the structure of our book reviews. Our prof also has a degree in English lit and in fact he mentioned that the style he prefers most is George Orwell (whom I always confuse--in name only--with Orson Wells, damn them both! lol). In fact, he asked if any of us had read any of him and when I mentioned Down and Out in London and Paris (whiche I enjoyed in high school and remember nearly nothing of exCEPT that I enjoyed it) he was quite impressed. Yay. Sadly, I highly doubt my style has anything at all to do with Orwell, so we may come into some difficulty there. Fortunately, I have the rest of this week to try to emulate him, as our first review isn't due until next Tuesday.

For lunch I went over to the summit for salad and chocolate soymilk. Somewhere along the line, though, I lost my taste for chocolate soymilk, so I'm a little disappointed. It's funny, because for a while last semester I was absolutely addicted. I wanted it every single day. I would've enjoyed chocolate (regular) milk much more, but all they had was strawberry...

Well, hell, that didn't take much time at all. Maybe I do have time to talk about the weekend XD

Friday (as evidenced by the previous post) I was very anxious to get out of Stockton and into happiness with the boy, San Francisco, etc. I had to pull a severe mooch maneuver and get Sam(antha, from last year in Jessie B) to drop me off at the train station. She didn't seem to mind too terribly, but I still feel guilty. I even mentioned that when she's driving me around seems to be the only time we get to chat. Anyways, from there, things were ok, although I got hit with some fees on the train for not having a reservation etc. Funny, because other times it seems like it was cheaper to not have a reservation. Anyhow, on the way back I did and that made things simpler. Got in about...8ish? I seem to recall. It was a little stressful because I had phoned Scott's house and gotten his parents and tried to explain I was getting ON the train in Richmond in five minutes, but this was miscommunicated as arriving from Richmond in five minutes, so Scotty ended up waiting around for quite a while at the BART stop.

After dropping things off and catching our breath, all (four) of us went out for sushi at the place formerly known to cut their sashimi in huge massive rough slabs instead of nice thin strips. That was really the only reason we went there, in fact, because Scott knew his dad would appreciate lots of fish. To our dismay, they cut it normally this time and the rest of the food was sort of mediocre...but I still ate too much. Ha @_@ Upon returning to the apt, everyone got into some rather intense poltical philosophical technological everything else debate that I tried to content myself to simply listen to because I couldn't find much to add : / It was very interesting, though.

In the morning we hit up J-town for my Japanese textbooks (which now that I--

ha, I don't have time to finish this now. I'll post it anyways XD and finish later. Off to astro lab...

Friday, September 01, 2006

Eternal Damnation

Fucking nachos.

In a startling lack of judgement I devour a plate of nachos with somewhat disgustingly tasty but eventually heart-attack inducing queso, black beans, and less than mediocre gaucomole.


Fortunately, that should deaden the nacho impulse for some time to come.

Unfortunately, it's only 12:30 and I want to leave NOW and not at 5.

Also unfortunate is that fact that I have to lug underwear, socks, and other weekend equipment to astronomy with me (and even more unfortunate is that I have to lug my big sexy textbook and other astro equipment to weekend with me.)

We haven't even taken into account Japanese yet.

To be honest, it is quite cold in here. I think the best part of today so far was comp. Obviously the worst is either the temperature (inside or out...depends how you'd like to look at it) or the nacho indiscretion.

Of course, the VERY BEST part of today is yet to come. I CAN'T WAIT TO GET OUT OF HERE XD

Oh yes, the three dayer...

Two more classes and then it's off to a San Franciscan weekend of boy and happy love with PARENTS! Yays!

Apparently, I am not meant to look presentable on campus. Today I finally dug out a pair of pants (err, capris) that werne't my holey, navy, falling apart cords, but about ten minutes after I put them on my coffee decided it woiuld like to be put on as well. Do not wear your morning beverage! So unhip.

I wrote that in the back of my COMP 41 notebook this morning in order to preserve it's fresh feel. Now, though, the coffee has dried to a fairly invisible splotch. I'm debating putting on those other pants anyways, though, because San Francisco will be cool whether it's 90 degrees here or not.

I gotsa read my astro homework...