Sunday, September 25, 2005

out of steam

man things were going well this weekend but i think the happy just wore out. all of the sudden i have no motivation, no will to do anything. I feel like crud. Dinner was too...whatever. Yuck. I'm so excited about budo taijutsu on Thursday and Tai Chi every morning with Kevin and stuff, but at the same time I feel totally drained. I'm really lonely. Mostly I just to curl up and go to bed. Before I do that though I have to read chapter six for eac and study some japanese. i was supposed to do the revised proposal for my research paper but i'm considering changing my i'll put that off. then also i was going to outline chapter three but realized i have no idea what is important in all those details...

bureaus with sub-bureaus and central local district commanderies...

blehhhh chancellor...*cough*


i can't even remember all the stuff...THAT doesn't even sound that complicated

i ate some interesting cake tonite

but it made me feel guilty cuz i had cinni-raisin toast for breakfast (one piece)

with low-fat yogurt (which of course has all sorts of dumb sugar in it)

i'm mad again

and lonely

and sick of working

and i feel stupid cuz half of it i put off anyhow

so dumb

i dunno what to do my paper on

i can't write papers

i totally suck at it

*jams to Athlete*


so i will have to get down to homework soon.

maybe i shouldn't change my paper topic...i was thinking i could look at ninjutsu...but maybe that would be too uh..."shrouded in myth"


chapter six is on buddhism and daoism so that should be good....since...we already read about it. so hopefully it will just flesh it out.

i like reading the more detailed stuff AFTER we read the basic stuff...

i never rememer anything tho.

japanese...maybe i should do japanese now...

cuz that is a no brainer...technically i could get everything done tomorrow. i have a lot of open time tomorrow.

at least it seems that way.

i spend too much time putzing on my computer cuz i don't want to esp now when i feel lousy.

i dunno...

usually if there is a day or two that i am happy enough to literally jump up and down there follows a drained period

which is sad cuz i've been feeling so lousy for weeks and then got to be happy for like 2 days.

i'm also really mad because the dinner menus for the week aren't up so i can't plan food...

dinner tonite made me mad
i'm just dumb


maybe i should go remember the tai chi i learned today.

kevin rocks!

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

today is a beautiful day


and wonderful beautiful Japanese.

I am chatting

to a Japanese dude


it makes me want to cry lol すごい!

i feel empowered lol maybe i will make some new japanese friends


i dunno

yay for everything

and we watched Chungking Express today in Asian Cinema..well and also most of Kung Fu Hustle...which was also really good...

good movies, good homework doing, good ideas for the PRIDE center...


tonite is linguistics club at 10...possibly matsuri at nine if i feel like it...i may just do homework instead tho...

there may have been something else i was gonna say but i'm too happy now...


Tuesday, September 20, 2005

putting off the day

not really true...this should maybe be an album title...

The Painted Zebras - Putting off the Day


I should start a band.

Anyhow...I did the remainder of EAC homework during breakfast. I had cereal with strawberries but that only lasted for like an hour lol so i had a nutrigrain that bad?

technically i could be on my way to eac right now...arriving early to better facilitate pre-discussion contemplation of the Legalist perspective and the first Emperor of the Qin.

but i'd much rather sit here in the half-dark...

i think facebook is finally letting me update my school...which is amazing.


i don't like tuesdays much...having a break at noon is nice...but on starting at 11 and having japanaese is better i think...also 2 hour blocks have this way of seeming infinitely longer than 1.5 hour blocks (or is that just me??)

maybe i should've had almonds...


today is kinda busy...altho i don't have to go to the bank anymore. netflix extended my free trial cuz of the shipping whatever that happened...but i need to call them and tell them their website won't accept my full address...and blah blah. maybe i will just cancel and forget it. i really don't want to tho...

i have to get into the library and check out the linguistics section again...with PURPOSE lol

and i'm still hungry

what the hey

i say SCREW THAT and i will see you at lunch (stomach!)

also screw my stuffed up nose...


yeah i'd best be jammin'



Monday, September 19, 2005

eventual momentum

discovery of important study-wise fact:

forced application of self gradually gives way to genuine motivation and involvement

perhaps an instance of doing the right thing for the wrong reasons, but if the reasons end up aligned with the thing in the end maybe that justifies it

in any case, yesterday started out as a slog and ended up really well. i didn't even read bukowski before bed (even tho i'm behind on both bukowski and history of the world after the unproductive block of last week) because i wanted to get some more history done.

the key is to have the essential done early (the night before) so the mornings can be spent on the important but non-curricular activites...

i've decided that afternoons are going to be henceforth used for gym-going rather than catch-up reading...

better use of free time AND it means that i can avoid the wet-hair to bed syndrome or the double shower day followed by the scrub day syndrome...

as founding president of the linguistic club i feel we need to get our shit together heh

speaking of which insights are appreciated...we're planning on discussing assigned readings and also learning about a language each month. october and november will have their own...i think december (only consisting of two or three meetings) will be grab-bag of obscure ones. unfortunately none of us are experts. we just share the common interest. the plan, unless we come up with something better to do, is to find an intro textbook. i'm the only one who has ever had a linguistics class before, so we really need the base stuff. the nice thing is that we'll be on our own pace and if we get obsessed with phonetics, well we can just talk about phonetics all semester. i have this idea that it won't be too difficult to find articles for us. see that's the thing...articles vs. textbook. i'm thinking articles to illustrate textbook and relating to the language of the month. our next meeting is wenesday in the john b. of yet it's just officers since we haven't got our paperwork straightened out.


i think our secretary was going to take care of that.

wonder how it's going...

anyhow I at least would heartily appreciate that heh

cuz i hate paperwork. he also seems keen on drawing up a budget (altho what it would be used for i'm not sure)

anyhow things are busy and more under control. the only remaining puzzle piece (a big one) is going to be the big projects. i don't have to think too hard about my eac research paper at the moment...but i've got this mgm presentation/paper and in a couple weeks our first asian cinemas paper is some point there will be the kurosawa presentation.

i think i need to psych myself up for these papers.

something has to be done. i dunno how tho.

forced application of self i guess...

interspersed with bukowski

you know, reading his biography, a lot of other authors are mentioned, many of whom i've never heard of even tho they seem very famous

i'm beginning to wonder how long i should carry on the bukowski project. hot water music will be over soon and then i was planning on reading ham on rye. maybe i will do more poetry first and then do a couple novels...or maybe it should just be a semester long spree and i should read as much as possible. you definitely get more a feel for a writer when reading systematically...i still don't feel very smart tho...

look at that...from optimism to pessimism in a few paragraphs..

i sure know how to bring me down V_V

in other news i've been chatting in japanese lately and hopefully i'll be able to use kana and kanji once my laptop gets here...

mom is sending it today XD

my own net connection...

this will harken back to those early days on prospect.

haha "those early days on prospect"

maybe someday there will be reason to use such epic phrasing on me ne

right now it's back to the grind

i should be pounding out some kanji!!!

ciao ;p

Friday, September 16, 2005

failure (spoilers for collateral)

wow pizza mission utter disaster

i ate FOUR FREAKIN' pieces

holy crud

i feel so gross

it was reallllly good pizza

but ewww

since when do i eat four pieces of pizza?

i'm trying to think up a suitable punishment...

no dessert tomorrow seems too lenient

obviously i won't be eating pizza for a while

i really just don't eat pizza as a rule here at school

this was a special occasion

still no reason to eat four pieces ne

the good thing is that i think i should be able to start working out again next week




i think we're gonna get some coffee

actually my roommate is gonna go and bring it back...

tonite there is a steve mcqueen marathon at someone's dorm/house/something so i think i'm gonna go to that

i saw collateral too...what a kickin' movie...

very excited at having seen that

tom cruise is just as hot as anticipated

and wow just a really well put together film

what are peoples' opinions on the weird camera moves a few shots from the end tho? when vincent is dead in the subway?

bleh bleh bleh too much pizza >_<

the fourth piece was just a total mistake...pilot error...

tomorrow for dinner they are SUPPOSEDLY having vegan i guess if i do that and not have cornbread if they offer it and have japanese for apple and some wasa crackers with a dab of pb for breakfast...that sounds good...maybe...i hate food lol

pizza is a guiltifier




Thursday, September 15, 2005

it never ends... (AND help california win marriage equality)

yeah i am getting this feeling that i will never get better...

my hypochondria is showing >_<

but still

i'm sick of coughing

so last night i slacked off completely and talked to a friend online in japanese for two hours

a japanese friend

it was really nice

i was sooooo stressed out and so just relaxed for a while

today was kinda stressful; i'm really worried about my history paper...

we did tai chi outside this morning o_O

i didn't do any of my film reading but that's ok. i didn't need to have really to understand the lecture today and i've got a catch up schedule that takes the pressure off...

today we signed up for our group projects and i will be working on MGM...even tho i wanted to do RKO...


anyhow that project will entail a 5-7 page paper about some specific facet of that studio...iiii dunno

i don't even know my group members...

i decided to do away with the asian film series...there are enough films to see on campus (many of them even asian) and i'm friends with some people who want me to be president of the linguistics club and i want to put a lot of effort into that to make it a worthwhile group.

this weekend the PRIDE alliance is putting together a booth and stuff we're going to run all next week to promote the marriage equality bill. this is a big deal because if california makes same sex marriage legal it becomes a precedent in the country. Hopefully more states would join after that. Anyhow it's ridiculous because Schwarzenegger might veto it. He wants to go with the people tho, SO we're going to have a big event including even (apparently) media coverage. I dunno...high aspirations I guess but people say they have connections so we may make some news. Basically it will be education on the issue with encouragement to call the office (which is taking phone calls and e-mails from ANYWHERE not just california: 916-445-2841. push 2 and state your opinion on legislation, push 1 (gender-neutral marriage bill - Senate Bill 849) and push 1 to support) and sign a petition. we're also doing this thing called "A Show of Hands" as a visual representation. Supporters will either trace or pain stamp their hands on a big huge sheet of paper. We'll write a letter and get our opinion across...should be exciting. I really hope it goes through.

The other thing is that Fall PRIDE week and National Coming Out Week are only a few days after the day the issue is decided. It's either going to be really happy or really depressing : /

what else...

i dunno...

my mom sent me happy things :D

i guess that's all

have a good day ;p

Wednesday, September 14, 2005


yeah so i take allegra now...for my allergies...yes that's all...the coughing and hacking and not being able to talk due to the crummy air conditions here in the valley

"here in the valley"



and i'm beginning to wonder if there is a connection between drinking too much coffee and having peanut butter banana oatmeal...


also i should be reading my chinese heritage book but i'm not...

i will in a minute tho

just wanted to record some rambles first


i need to revisualize the act of reading and separate it from this chore paradigm...just cuz something is assigned doesn't mean i have to THINK of it as assigned...

i've become an underliner

i doubt that will really help me in the end.

for film history the lectures are usually very helpful so that is ok...

but for eac he wants us to write outlines which i admit will be helpful for studying but it takes an awful lot of time.

i've got to study japanese too

so it's best to be jammin'


(here's to hoping for summer in paris *CLINK*)

Monday, September 12, 2005

nihongo no kuizu

hahaha i didn't know the word for dress...i'm not sure what he wanted...i put a katakana paraphrase and the kanji for kimono (even tho kimono obviously means kimono) heh...but that was the only thing i screwed up as far as i know. i wrote polite form...which should be fine as he didn't specify. i finished way early and when he came over and told me i could leave in japanese i replied in french..."d'accord" yeah...obvioulsy not quite altogether there lol

he gave us candy :D


that's cool

he had nori snacks too but the thing is that he opened the candy and passed it whereas the nori snacks he said we could open and grab ourselves...none of us were feeling bold enough to open the bag heh

i guess i will go eat lunch...i had breakfast around quarter to nine or nine or something so it's still a bit early but i am kinda hungry so i might as well...

yum i think there is jambalaya...

as for the afternoon it will be the intro to hong kong cinema and then work...

and i should start working on chapter one of the japanese book...we're finally done reviewing!!!

the kanji is a nice mix of ones i know and ones i don't know so it won't be too hard...the vocab is mostly old with some new...i dunno...reviewing never killed anyone and the listening and speaking practice is worth it :D

gotsa jam!

OK Kids...

after a drawn out breakfast of peanut butter banana oatmeal and twice the amount of coffee i require, i am ready to begin the day.

i still can't really talk. the novelty of the condition has been rubbed and scratched away like the outer layers of my throat. nah i'm making it sound worse than it is. i'm really not even that sore most of the time. just this mostly pathetic-sounding cough.

here is some big news which is ACTUALLY PERTINENT to this my intelligent blog which has been so defaced in recent times by emotional upheaval: i signed on for a "getting started in t&i" workshop in san francisco. it's put on by the northern california translator's association and will take place the 15th of october.

"A wide variety of useful themes will be covered, including concrete tips and resources on topics such as education (T & I schools, professional seminars, continuing-education opportunities, self-study, etc.); certification exams; office equipment and organization; marketing one’s services to agencies and direct clients; evaluating, meeting and exceeding clients’ expectations; the negotiation and drafting of contracts; resources for information on agencies’ reputations and payment practices; quality assurance; professional ethics; compensation; computers and CAT programs; research methodologies; creating and updating glossaries; reading for self-improvement; glossary creation and maintenance; bookkeeping issues; and T & I associations and conferences."

stoked indeed.

i like the idea of "useful themes" especially. application is essential.

you know i mentioned coffee earlier and after the cup i had at the asian art museum in san francisco the other day...(mmm san francisco...) i have noticed the submediocrity of our cafeterias version of the most wonderful drink. i've graduated from half milk half coffee and sugar to a dab of milk mixed with a packet of splenda which i drown with decaf. one or two cups...i really should only have i had two. but yes it's rather tasteless and lukewarm as compared with steaming othercoffee...from practically anywhere i imagine. maybe the decrease in milk content is due to this fact alone and i am still a poor example of a coffee enthusiast.

i wonder if i can really say enthusiast. i say it only because i have enthousiasm for coffee, not necessarily any snobbish taste or expert knowledge. i'm a ramblin' amateur.

and thus the bell strikes ten...

in an hour i have a japanese quiz that should be terribly simple. i would hate to think that and, through cockiness, miss things that, would i have taken even the most cursory last minute glance at the material, i could've done perfectly.

that sentence is a bit unclear isn't it. i wonder if there are any grammatical problems or if it's just not well thought out. i'll leave it like that and you can comment on the ineptitude as you see fit :D

it's not really ineptitude tho because obviously as i comment now i could be reworking it to a more acceptable form.

this morning i read about hong kong cinema. we were assigned the introduction to a book. i wish we had time to read the book...i should be reading more film stuff.

right now i'm still working on bukowski's bio and some short stories to be followed eventually by at least one novel and possibly a collection of correspondance...i dunno. maybe there is no end to the bukowski tunnel and i'll be sucked in. that's cool too. i can always return later. i have a pretty framework for reading his stuff now. it's nice to do these in-depth sort of looks instead of hopping around to various people. it does leave one a bit impatient tho, when you think of all the great writers out there. also in progress is the history of the world. just closing up the era before ancient greece right now...

last night i read the first chapter of the our third film textbook (Koszarski, An Evening's Entertainment) it's book three of history of the american cinema)

(hey does anyone know Chicago style notes as opposed to MLA? the terrifying east asian civ paper requires that...and a topic...and a bibliography heh)

anyhow this new textbook is much more least so far. far more readable...more narrative, even while throwing names and dates at you in the most rapid succession. i recognize some names now, but it is really hard to remember to which company they belong to, will belong to, who goes with who to start what, who fails with which company only to rise again as the head of some other thing which you maybe thought went down with the rest long ago.

the striking thing is that we've only covered approximately 8 years so far...1907-1915...the new book will take us through '28. we've read so much but it's all on overlapping time. sorta hard to get the big picture. i will have to go over my lecture notes and try to find a thread...or maybe our teacher will give us a thread...i dunno. (laziness corrupts my ethic...)

ah yes...well it is definitely time to have a last minute session with those old kanji...this test is so much review for me, as it is for them. but really, some of these kanji are ones i have known since high school before i even started classroom-style learning of the language. sadly, byouin has been still threatening to kick my ass. i do know it now tho...i think.

and my laptop should be here soon!

so i won't have to borrow my roommate's heh

yeah...well i'm off after all that...

moshi moshi...nihongo desu....

Sunday, September 11, 2005

frustration and minor illness

east asian civ paper is already driving me insane...i'm gonna go spill my guts to my prof and see what he says. i feel like i could use counselling on this issue. like...psychiatric.

i'm still sick. can't really talk very well. mom says to gargle.

wish i had a boyfriend.

uhm...san francisco is calling me. i need to go back. i need to go. i need to be there.

altho historias minimas reminded me of the wide open spaces and that part of kafka on the shore where kafka is in the woods...

i saw hills and windpower today

as well

i am staying up late so i sleep in until breakfast opens at 10:30 cuz i want to have eggs and stuff...maybe a donut...but having a donut would be dumb cuz i wanted to go to the greek food fest later and they will have pastry there

i hate food

and i hate the fact that to go to the greek food fest would be spending money PLUS forfeiting the meal i already bought at the dining hall

anytime i want to eat anything other than school food it is a forfeiture


and this obnoxious cough...

and my roommate fighting with her bf even tho he is supposedly coming out here on friday...they just go and go everyday

i shoudln't complain tho

about anything


s'what i learned from the tibet exhibit today


i guess i tend to wallow. that is such an ugly hateful word.

hateful like immature is hateful.

like "pity party"

these are things that i try not to use on people i guess

because of how deeply hurtful they are

hmm maybe that's not really true...well i guess i don't ever call people immature to their faces...



i'm so dumb

and i'm really bad at college

brian and i had another one of those talks we have

about paperwriting

i just suck basically at this whole college "idea"

i dunno

maybe i should just disagree with him

and find another view

so i'm gonna talk to my prof like i said and see what he has to offer

probably nothing

i feel misunderstood

or just




which is so cliche as to piss me off


and probably immature

being 20 and in college is dumb i guess i've decided that

but i guess everything is dumb

to be cliche again: the grass is always greener...

maybe that is it

i will never be content with my life cuz i'm unoriginal and can't ever be happy doing what i'm doing...always have to be looking ahead and finding the next plateau of supposedly attainable genius

yeah right

bull shit


ah this should've been put in my other blog

the secret one

it wasn't supposed to be so dark

but oh well

that's how it turned out

i should just quit writing here

this was supposed to be my academic blog.

i'm not academic; who am i kidding?

i feel an intense lack of understanding of everything (on the majority of all parts)

pathetic isn't a very nice word...

but that's about the only one that fits now.

basically i need someone to convince me i'm intelligent enough to do this and then to show me how. i need instruction.

am i just lazy? or stupid? i hope not

i think maybe i just underestimate myself

but i can't help it

because obviously for some reason i'm not pulling through

and i don't mean that you can walk up to me and tell me that no, contrary to what i may believe i AM smart

cuz that just makes me want to kick your teeth in

and when i say that

i visualize my foot entering your mouth THROUGH your smiling face

and the blood getting all over my sneakers, your teeth caving into the gaping oozing pit

so don't think i'm not violent cuz i might be

ahhh what am i even saying

i would never DO that
but i do think it

i think usually it's cuz i am usually quite pissed off when i say that

so i tend to think about things that go with the mood

and never carry them out

i hate myself

this is one of those nights

Wednesday, September 07, 2005


blah i'm sick and tired and bored...probably i should just go to bed and get up tomorrow for class lol

i had a good sandwich :D


i miss paris lol


yeah my throat hurts


my east asian civilization class was cancelled on the homework was pushed back until tomorrow which means no new assignments

i'm sorta in a crabby mood

being sick


blah blah blah



i don't really have anything to say

i just feel like i haven't been here in a while

so i'm here lol


Friday, September 02, 2005


so this afternoon i picked up next year's recommended grammar book. It's not really a text book...more like trouble shooting for different grammar points. my prof actually wrote it tho so that is kinda nifty.

i also got a book on critical theory.

so excited :D

annnnd i went to the grocery store for some laundry detergent and wasa cracker things


i'm really thirsty lol

i've been wondering if i really need to stop thinking about chinese or not

oh i gave my speech in class this went ok i guess. i get all intimidated. hopefully i didn't sound too dumb.

lab is closing : / so i'll be going



my critical thinking blog

yeah i need to learn to formulate some paths of inquiry here or something.

i just read this super interesting article about eroticism, film, and history and one would THINK that i'd have about a thousand things to say. i should be able to write mountains on it. reflecting and applying and connecting...

it's not happening!!!


i'm not stupid! why can't i think then?

i found some lit theory books in the library last night, but not a kanji dictionary. thus a third of my japanese homework due to my unfortunate illiteracy is left undone.


i need to just go buy one.


i also need to read more. and more outside class.

if such a thing is possible.

for tuesday i have to prepare 24 arguments with specific facts (for and against twelve debate topics) plus read (EAC)

i also have five chapters of film history to read...

monday is labor day so the other homework will be for wednesday...

that's interesting

you know the mwf really get ripped off...because A) they are only 1h30 instead of 2h plus B) we only ever really have fridays or mondays of (unless it's winter break or something like that)

so i wrote a speech for japanese class...

i should put it up here...maybe i will later cuz i don't really have time right now.

i'm not really sure we were supposed to actually write a speech. in fact i know we weren't. i dunno. he just wanted us to talk. i'm sure everyone wrote and memorized tho. if he wants spontanaeity (let's go learn how to spell that word...) whoa...that was weird...i put in something with just sort of random vowels at the end cuz i didn't know what they were and i was RIGHT: spontaneity. so anyhow if he wanted spontaneity he shouldn't have assigned it as a week-long "project."

also i don't like this practice of defining lists. it's very superficial. if we need to be learning topics we should spend a day or a week or a unit or something on a specific topic.

also...the need for themed vocab lessons is demonstrated at least in MY brain (which is after all a representative of human brains) in it's tendancy to web things. if you can't think of the word for look for other dairy products? or other food? or cereal? and try to find phrases that may include milk. so if you learn milk with the word chair they are NOT connected and thus the neurons are very week and DIE.



i think that really is quite a case.