frustration and minor illness

east asian civ paper is already driving me insane...i'm gonna go spill my guts to my prof and see what he says. i feel like i could use counselling on this issue. like...psychiatric.

i'm still sick. can't really talk very well. mom says to gargle.

wish i had a boyfriend.

uhm...san francisco is calling me. i need to go back. i need to go. i need to be there.

altho historias minimas reminded me of the wide open spaces and that part of kafka on the shore where kafka is in the woods...

i saw hills and windpower today

as well

i am staying up late so i sleep in until breakfast opens at 10:30 cuz i want to have eggs and stuff...maybe a donut...but having a donut would be dumb cuz i wanted to go to the greek food fest later and they will have pastry there

i hate food

and i hate the fact that to go to the greek food fest would be spending money PLUS forfeiting the meal i already bought at the dining hall

anytime i want to eat anything other than school food it is a forfeiture

stupid

and this obnoxious cough...

and my roommate fighting with her bf even tho he is supposedly coming out here on friday...they just go and go everyday

i shoudln't complain tho

about anything

i should TRANSCEND MY MINISCULE SUFFERINGS AND BECOME ONE WITH THE DEITY OF SOMETHING OR OTHER

s'what i learned from the tibet exhibit today

.

i guess i tend to wallow. that is such an ugly hateful word.

hateful like immature is hateful.

like "pity party"

these are things that i try not to use on people i guess

because of how deeply hurtful they are

hmm maybe that's not really true...well i guess i don't ever call people immature to their faces...

heh

*cry*

i'm so dumb

and i'm really bad at college

brian and i had another one of those talks we have

about paperwriting

i just suck basically at this whole college "idea"

i dunno

maybe i should just disagree with him

and find another view

so i'm gonna talk to my prof like i said and see what he has to offer

probably nothing

i feel misunderstood

or just

disunderstood

over...stood?

;p

which is so cliche as to piss me off

unoriginal

and probably immature

being 20 and in college is dumb i guess i've decided that

but i guess everything is dumb

to be cliche again: the grass is always greener...

maybe that is it

i will never be content with my life cuz i'm unoriginal and can't ever be happy doing what i'm doing...always have to be looking ahead and finding the next plateau of supposedly attainable genius

yeah right

bull shit

and DON'T FUCKING SAY ANYTHING

ah this should've been put in my other blog

the secret one

it wasn't supposed to be so dark

but oh well

that's how it turned out

i should just quit writing here

this was supposed to be my academic blog.

i'm not academic; who am i kidding?

i feel an intense lack of understanding of everything (on the majority of all parts)

pathetic isn't a very nice word...

but that's about the only one that fits now.

basically i need someone to convince me i'm intelligent enough to do this and then to show me how. i need instruction.

am i just lazy? or stupid? i hope not

i think maybe i just underestimate myself

but i can't help it

because obviously for some reason i'm not pulling through

and i don't mean that you can walk up to me and tell me that no, contrary to what i may believe i AM smart

cuz that just makes me want to kick your teeth in

and when i say that

i visualize my foot entering your mouth THROUGH your smiling face

and the blood getting all over my sneakers, your teeth caving into the gaping oozing pit

so don't think i'm not violent cuz i might be

ahhh what am i even saying

i would never DO that
but i do think it

i think usually it's cuz i am usually quite pissed off when i say that

so i tend to think about things that go with the mood

and never carry them out

i hate myself

this is one of those nights