Saturday, July 30, 2005

very irritable

I’m incredibly pissed off right now. I wanted to go biking and my bike is messed up but I didn’t want to bother the neighbors like my mom suggested. SO SHE CALLS OVER THERE AND SETS IT UP SO HE’S COMING OVER IN LIKE A HALF HOUR TO FIX MY BIKE.

That makes me want to break windows and get blood all over everything and jump off bridges.

I’m really stressed out right now. I should just forget exercising. (which of course I realize is the exact OPPOSITE of what I should do…we’ll consider)

Everything goes out the window when I’m at home. I just totally lose control of everything and it pisses me off. I can’t eat when or what I want, I don’t get enough exercise cuz there’s nowhere to walk to like in the city.

I will not be able to live in suburbs unless they are very close to the city and I commute there everyday.

I even make up bullshit excuses about flossing when I’m at home.

I can’t stand being here.

It makes me mad but what can you do…

Get mad I guess…

And being in California will be so hard at first. I hope I will survive the dorms. I really do…cuz that sort of stress on top of general stress and not having classes yet and being a bit out of my depth as I’m sure I will be coming into such an intense program from basically…not much…


Let’s just be totally self-absorbed for a moment…

Isn’t that what blogs are for?

Being totally self-absorbed and feeling like shit and treating everything and body like dirt when they don’t know except they read it?

Nah…I dunno what I’m talking about.

Sometimes I just hate everything…

You know my whole family gets panic attacks, my mom’s side anyhow.

I wonder if I’ll graduate from this into that.

That would suck.

I guess I won’t worry about it.

*fake smile*

What to do…mom suggested a walk…until then she called the neighbor…


That makes me mad.

I really hate that.

I didn’t want to bother them so she goes and makes it worse by bothering them FOR me…cuz I can’t do it myself? No cuz I didn’t want to goddammit which was the point!!!

I also have no purpose when I’m at home.
I wish someone would bust me outta here…

Thursday, July 28, 2005

you-op OR Go West!

indeed. i'm moving out of my new house today. i'm leaving uwm. i'm transferring. classes start the 22nd. i'm becoming EVEN POORER. I have a roommate named Nicole. There are women's bathrooms on the floor (how disgusting lol i'll manage...dorms ne...curiouser and curiouser) here we go again right?
what else? i dunno. i'm scared and excited and freeekay. and feeling sorta confused because i was so ready for things here...and like i said yesterday ne. i'll have to tell alllll my people that i'm leaving even tho i just got back. how crubazubery.
what if i test in horribly? that would be so bad...
i hope i'm not stupid!i'm gonna try not to be stupid!!!
so it looks to me like they don't have linguistics there...which admittedly is very sad lol but i'll find something i'm sure...maybe english...cuz that's supposed to be important for translators ne or whatever
it seems like they may have good advisors...
my life is silly

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

stupid flailing useless energy

i hate it! there is nothing i can do! i just hae to like...go read or something or go to bed.
i hate not bieng able to take advantage of the cosmic potential i have right now. i am a spring, a geyser, a 2 point perspective drawing, a piercing beam of light that cuts dust particles into seventy chips so fine that it's like powder snow on a strand of i know what i'm talking about?
i was also thinking about trying to write again...cuz i should. it's one of those things i should do. i want to be an amazing person. i think i have that sort of potential...
esp right now
my housemates give me very good vibes. i will miss them but honestly i think most of them are moving out soon too.
we're all off to find our destinies or something
everything is so important it really is and i feel that and know it so well. this is the crunch and the rush and the infintismal moment where the difference is the time you spend and the color of the aura in the lights of your mind and the people who are there and the way the sun comes through the trees and that creamy iced mocha waking up your throat as you look out the window and wonder about n'importe quoi.
so much to do
i am 20 and i haven't arrived. i'm just leaving! just walking through that door into the bright and shining, the glimmer, that spectacular light, just stepping out. i'm ready but not really prepared. can that even be possible? it's time tho whether i like it or not
look at how sappy this is! look at how ambitious and silly i sound. look at how my head is buzzing with a bajizillion words and ideas and things that don't even make sense. i'm so up there. i am on top of everything. lol when was the last time i felt this way? this good? this bad? no it's good for now...and hopefully it'll stay that way. this is one of those things tho that is soooo fleeting. it'll be gone i'm soon enough but you just have to remember the goals and the fireworks and the connections you made with everything. maybe i'm hypomanic lol but so what. (haha i was SOOOO close to buying close...i think i'm getting better at curbing some things...)
ah life is great isn't it
it's ok
really it is lol
i think we'll make it

Allow me to be dramatic... (OR Here we come?)

This is one of those moments that defines a life I think. One of those do or die. One of those crazy stupid things. This is one of those times where you have to suck it up.
I think I'm going to California.
Supposedly I have a roommate which must mean I have housing which means I am going.
She gave me a bad number so I haven't talekd to her but she called my house.
I think I need to do this.
I think in spite of the fact that I have completely geared myself up for LInguistics and have completely geared myself up for my house and even completely geared myself up for a nonexistent (as of yet) relationship with a guy who may not even consdier me that I really need to do this...
and how!
There isn't really a way to describe how I feel right now. I was already on this motivated high. I'm gong to start reading magazines for real; I'm gong to study more; I was even going to invite A out for Japanese tomorrow night but he didn't pick up his phone. I'm just so ready for THINGS. YOU KNOW?
I was so ready for this semester but if this is coming at me I will RISE. I'll take it! I'll take it and make it into my life. I'm so motivated right now.
so excited.
this is like that logic test with the fireworks...the world whizzing around you and your mind exploding impossibly into focused shards of energy to get you exactly where you want to be.
I want to make a phone call but I don't have change...
that is bugging me. i'm tempted to go around to every person in this lab until i find someone with change
so i can wake steve up
maybe i will try erich again
this sort of warps the evening's plans...i was going to immerse myself in sociolinguistics..
what to
this will mean at leat three more years of (very expensive) school i'm sure.
i think they will help me figure it out.
someone will lead me to the place...
the japanese place where i am maybe double majoring or something...
i wonder if i can get TESOL certified there? that would be good...
but it doesnt' really matter...
i just need to start
it's always night when these things happen tho....that sort of ruins the immediate action potential...why sleep when there is so much to be done? why eat?
i need these moods when things CAN be accomplished! rather than 9:30 at night...
i'm so scared tho...there is so much doubt embedded in this thing. it's going to be intense and i really don't know if i can handle it. i want to. i want to so badly. i guess that is all i need. i just have to trust myself and everyone else. i dunno.
i got rocketship from the library today
and some mariza
good music...
it's just fuel :D
i'm gonna do it! it's gonna be huge. this is bigger than france because this is for REAL...this is my future. this is IT! so i have to do it and i have to do it right and GANBAROU NE everybody ok? the world needs some genki and i am a fountain right now lol i want to LEARN
i'm so ready

this in...yesteday

My linguistics class is sort of boring. The title of the class IS misleading. Why can't they just call it sociolinguistics? Language and Society (or whatever) makes it sound so tame...which I why it's called that. This class seems very tame. Very basic. I feel like having taken sociology and intro to linguistics that I know the stuff we've covered and that anything new will not really be THAT new. The teacher is a nice enough guy...chipper German fellow. It seems tho that we will be having minimal lecture time and more working on these projects that don't really seme to warrant nine in class hours to put together. My partner and I have to present the work of Susan Gal in Oberwart. Ho hum. I guess they speak both German and Hungarian. This will be a trip to the library and some reading. Also there are no assigned textbooks but then he gave us one or two we could look at if we wanted. I hate that! I mean I guess it's nice if we don't have to buy it, but if it's something that a linguistics major should have...but then most everyone it seems is there as a senior or gradstudent just trying to get out of school.
In other news I talked to my housemates and they are pretty cool. Kathleen (OR Katelyn as I discovered today...I'm not sure if that's how it's spelled but apparently it looks just like Katelyn but is pronounced Kathleen cuz it's Gaelic? She uses Katelyn as her stage name...) is an actress who was hired by American Players or whatever is out in Spring Green for six months but she got there and they decided they didn't want her after all...which seems mean. So she's here still because she gave up her apt in NYC. Amz is short for something like Amizolie (and ie in that African language is an o? or something?) and she used to be a professional cyclist. She said she went to Japan when she was nine... I guess I don't know too much about Victoria except that she is an obsessive cleaner cuz her parents owned a Everyone is cool once you get to know them.
So I didn't go for coffee yesterday but I definitely will today. Instead yesterday we had rice ice that Rice Dream? I dont' remember the name...carob (careb? how do you spell that?) and almond...yum yum...and no's just the rice that makes it sweet or something. AND THEN so Katelyn is working on this treatment of a movie she wants to get made and she had us all read it. I guess I shouldn't say too much but we found some bugs so she is reworking things a bit. It's sort of sappy the way it is now but I think that might be because the treatment has to hit all the big emotional spots (it's only 22 pages...) and doesn't have time for more of the adventure-y things...
I guess to go back to the no sugar thing...I tried the ALL PEANUTS peanut butter today. I dont' remember which brand. You have to stir it up and stuff cuz the oils aren't hydrogenated (yes!) lol and there's no added sugar. So at first it tastes very bland compared to what you think of normally when you think of peanut butter (and when your tongue is EXPECTING peanut butter) but it's really not bad. Plus it's wayyyy healthier :D
Yeah I think I may have accidentally gone overboard on the shopping. I bought meat and cheese for sandwiches but also hommus and...bananas...peanut butter...and then salad too...and pasta. Of course the pasta can wait until I eat the other stuff too I suppose. And now I looked at the bread that mom bought me and it says best if used by july 31 on it which for all intensive purposes is like tomorrow you know? how do i eat a whole loaf of bread in four days? i don't i guess...i dunno. i guess if it's not rotten its' ok right? i dunno. should i freeze it and just have toast from now on?
food is so complicated!
i also have carrots...
it's hard to eat everything on time. >_<
uhmmmmmm what else...nothing i guess...class in an hour, then coffee and japanese...
i feel like my japanese is dying...
probably cuz it is...
everyone else says they dont' remember anything either...
but that doesn't make me feel better cuz i want to be better than that!!! X_X
so i'll go have mocha and study :D

Monday, July 25, 2005

Turning 20 and a new room

So my birthday went well...out at G-ma's house. The best cake in the universe, homemade ice cream...I didn't swim. Actually I've been in a bit of a moody thing all weekend. E-mail from A is a definite high spot tho!

Tomorrow the plan is to check out the pool up at campus before heading to my class. Altho I also have to make sure that I am still ENROLLED in the class since I'm a loser who forgot to pay. Surely they would rather have me pay late than lose 718 dollars tho...

Cinder (the tan cat) wants to have sex with Monkey (the tan spotty dog) even tho he is neutered, which Katelyn/Kathleen (have to figure out which is right...I've heard both) finds alarming. Gotta love my house! I have keys and everything tho. My room locks and all that. The bed is bigger than I'm used to which is a plus. My mom DID however, feel the need to buy me new sheets. Which is fine. But its' just money ne...more money. They are super hot tho. Blue stripes on white...IT GETS NO BETTER.

I do so enjoy blue.


France spoiled me into liking my own place. Really, having your own bathroom and your own kitchen(ette) is so wonderful. Any mess you make is your own so if you don't make one there is none!!! Amazing! This house seems like a pretty clean place. They have extra zeal for keeping things spic and span. I guess the place is vacuumed everyday. Let's hope they have the same enthusiasm for mold and fungi as they do about the animal hair!

So Describing Language has introduced me to some rival theories (ah! heat lightning!) to Noam Chomsky's deal, which has been interesting. I should try not to be so distracted when I read I could remember more about them. It's important to investigate all angles ne? It really goes to show tho, how important it is to find those angles tho, because last year I was really having a hard time imagining plausible possibilities that would make as much sense as UG.

Hmm lightning is kinda creepy >_< href="">

definitely that...go listen. they are amazering!

golden tomorrows for everyone! on the house! (that was my pre-sign-off optimism...which has now been destroyed of course ;p)

other than that...just mentioned that i haven't gotten any business e-mail back yet...from Bandai for instance...and that Milwaukee makes me happy and I wouldn't be disappointed if things would work out at UWM. There is plenty of time I think...hope...whatever lol

Oh and I mentioned swimming and class and coffee at Espresso Christoph (EC) where I will maybe inquire after a job...I bet they're fine tho. They just opened. Why would they open with holes in their staff? Danno...doesn't hurt to try.

Busy is best! That was the other wisdom I had to offer...everyone. Which is why I will also ask about textbook recording...and try to keep up my French. One of my housemates wants me to teach her. I'm not sure if she was serious about "hiring' me but wow if she did that would be cool. lol


that is it...i shall now attempt once more to save...and it had better work ;p

Saturday, July 23, 2005

learning one's lessons

i hope A likes me. we spent a few hours together today and it was really nice, had brunch at this great place (egg burrito for me...yum yum...), walked downer...then to coffee. the cafe we were at...actually consists in part of my old apartment. it's really bizarre. it's been all redone of course but how strange it is to sit and look out from a new place on the same view. my bedroom floor is now a hole...where the stairs come up. anyhow we sat up there for a while and talked. it is definitely one of my new favorite hang outs...he was super nice too...wouldn't let me pay for anything...chauffered me all over the place, called to make sure i was able to get on my bus home. really groovy guy.

you'd think i would know myself well enough by now to know that i get too serious too fast (emotionally and whatever) to even be thinking about two guys at once. even tho i know it now it doesn't change the fact that i think i hurt a dude. i guess i was too selfish to think that someone would crush on me back...? which sounds really arrogant but that is sort of what happened. i didn't expect this guy to like me. i just e-mailed him to say hi. anyhow if i hung with him now i would just feel guilty. it's like cheating on myself. if i'm really pursuing A then i HAVE to necessarily not talk relationships with anyone else; it's just a given.

*sigh sigh sigh* i feel like a horrible person

really tho...unless you both escape unscathed it's either one or the other...i get destroyed my fair share of the time i think.

let's hope not THIS time...

(don't we always)

so i'm 20 today. i also totally feel my age. i do when i do stupid stuff like this.

so i guess eventually we will go to the lake and have hamburgers and cake...and ice cream? mom also bought frappecino's for the morning. i think as long as i have just a bit of cake and a taste of ice cream things should work out. i dunno. i hate thinking about food.

and then monday we're having pizza cuz it's quick i guess...either that or fast food on the way to mke...


and i'm hungry again....

that just makes me mad...

it is stupid to eat crackers, even four

it is stupid

what's funny is that as much as i mean for this blog to have a really just won't cuz it's just a spot to write about whatever and my mind you will find, has themes...

blah blah blah blah blah


right now i feel crummy i feel so completely gross and awful and i just want to be happy about A. i like him so much...

gonna go to bed @_@

Friday, July 22, 2005


Yes well...all this worrying about my precious precious future has turned into e-mails to people I've never met. hahaha Also one to the head of the linguistics dept. I tried not to beg tho. Just needing some advice. I e-mailed a prof at UOP and also the hr dept at Bandai for some hardcore information. It's too bad it's the weekend...probably won't hear anything until next week at least, if at all. Anyhow its motivating. I'm just really worried that I won't be prepared for what I want to do...and I WANT TO DO IT DANG IT THAT'S THE POINT!


so yeah...

ah this blog makes me so happy. the thought of my syntactic trees...plans of teaching ESL through my arduous T&I studies...the golden career at Bandai...that would be ultimate success I think...Bandai. I totally just e-mailed Bandai...let's just meditate on that...


I'm such a dork x_x

Anyhow...that is really all I have to say. I should go home, read my eyes into that nice hefty snoozy state, and hit the sack. The lunch/brunch has been retimed to 10!

ciao ;D

confusion with a side of coffee speckled milk...

yeah i think i need to edge my coffee count up to 2/3 of a cup instead of half...i really couldn't taste it for all that skim milk lol >_< (such a dork i am!!!)

so i have this issue with the fact that i quit russian. i think many people i know understand that already. it is a gigantic depressing THING that looms over me whenever i hear it. i will have to go back someday; once i am out of school maybe i'll start taking classes again...(how silly does that oxymoronic statement for you)

the PROBLEM is that i am having these same sort of guilt waves over japanese. i feel like i should be going to california, sparing no cost you know? i feel like i should seriously consider transferring in the spring. i know that having the linguistics background will be'd be great to get a film background too but i think more important is just to have the most japanese i can possibly cram in!!! i need it! it's what i want! i don't want to get done and not be good enough to get into a T&I program...

also i think being in a real program would just be such a good experience for me...having all sorts of students that are really serious too. maybe i wouldn't be the best but then i'd just have to study even harder you know?

ho hum...

but yeah josh and i hooked up after he got out of work...stopped off at this ABSOLUTELY fantastic clothes store called Niche. On the east side just kinda chillin', it's there and really more than reasonably priced. He got me two shirts for my b-day so I can look cute for lunch tomorrow. One is turquoise and says super intellect with a funny little design...very 80s or something lol and then the other is a Tiger Cubs shirt (the official one....for sure cuz the tag says Boy Scouts) and it's really cute. The pants he lent me will look awesome with either shirt but i think i'm gonna go with the tigers cuz the brown and orange is hot ^_~

(yes tigers! steve aren't you just dying? ^_~ i'll try to get a pic ;p)

other than that...still reading...did a bit 'o japanese today...which...i feel like i dont' really have a good handle on it. i never do. of course people all say i'm great and whatever and reassure me i'm far better than them or whatever...but really i don't want to be better than other people...i just want to ROCK in my own right. i want to be a serious specialist. i want to have it all straight and really know what i'm doing. it's tough. it's just a tough gig and i'm not sure what to do about it!!!! i think i'm gonna see if i can talk to my linguistics prof. i wonder if he would do that...just talk to me about what i should do. i think he could probably be of more help than anyone else i can think of...


cadillac!!! (it's a nice word...)


So here are some factoids that I was going to put forth more excitingly yesterday:

Falls Classes:

Fifth Semester Japanese
Survey of Modern English Grammar
Survey of Computer Science
Intro to Second Lanugage Acquisition
Linguistics and Grammar - ESL Education
Language, Power, and Identity

Books I checked out from the library:

I, Claudius
Philosophy of Language
Philosophy of Rhetoric
Describing Language

This last should be useful for review before I get into class. It's a bit boring, but some of the examples they use are cool. today has been a bit of a bust. I borrowed some clothes from Josh cuz I have a lunch thing tomorrow. I feel silly but even tho the weekend is going to be pretty sweet I still just wish it was Tuesday so I could go check out my class and be in my new place already...

HO hum.

Dude I totally don't have my Coffee Beans punch-card on's a newish cafe on Oakland that seems pretty nice. Coffee's not bad either...altho it doesn't really have to be that good for my purposes. I usually drink it with half skim milk and some sugar.

Anyhow it seems like most of us are ready for school to start. At least...we don't seem to have much business left with summer.

I suppose that's it...this isn't even as mildly interesting as I had hoped. : /

Thursday, July 21, 2005

A New Blog (The Special Hour Long Pilot post luke-warm recovery service...) OR We'll Take What We Can Get

Well I decided that blogs seem to be such a valuable record of my endeavors that I will try continuing for a bit under this new heading.

The title for this one comes from a pretty crazy mood I was in last fall over my linguistics course. I got a little poetic over the trees we were using to diagram sentences heh ^_~ Anyhow I guess that's how I ended up a linguistics major too. Just liked it too much...actually really it's just the lack of Japanese major offered here.

I got an e-mail from UOP (which I will continue to call "you op" regardless of whether the natives say "you-oh-pea" or not ;p) hoping that I will still be attending with them this fall. What a sad thing to find after you've decided that you're just too poor.

Really I think linguistics will be great and this way I will also have a background in something practical. I'm not sure HOW practical...considering I'd like to go to grad school for T&I (translation and interpretation...and you'd best remember cuz i won't say it again lol).

What ELSE everyone? Well I'm still planning on getting the TESOL certificate. That way I can hopefully teach English on my way through grad school or whatever. The hope is that I will be able to do my internship in Japan? I'd like to go to Nanzan my senior year.

Oh the crazy!

Sunday I turn twenty. YES...二十歳. I'm so excited!

So Monday I move into my new apt. It's a house with some very nice professionals and I think one student who may be moving out. I love the place and tho the rent is more than I am used to, it does include everything +.

Tuesday I start Linguistics 430 for which there is apparently not a textbook? Entitled Language and Society I expect it will cover just that. 1:00 to 4:20 TWR. It's a required class and it's better than sitting around doing nothing in the heat. Hopefully it will also be WILDLY ENTERTAINING!!!

Picked up my sexy summer U-PASS today. I haven't ridden the bus yet. Perhaps that will be a task for tomorrow.

Wednesday I made an appt to speak with an Education Nurse or something about food. You need a referral to get a nutritionist. ;p Maybe she will have some enlightening insights (but I doubt it : /)

August 22 I start my job at Union Station. How thrilling! I have alwa---

Blogger oh blogger why do you do this to me? Tease me by recovering only a FOURTH of the entry I just spent an hour straight working on? Well this post HAD been a terribly detailed account of what I am up to in the up-coming week, month, semester, life...uhm...but I had just ended it with the fact that I was starving...TO DEATH. I still intend to leave...

Man and it was good too...

: /