Tuesday, February 28, 2006


Yeah, it would be helpful to be less negative all the time. Blogging about things I beat myself up about is just public humiliation! No one likes that! It will also improve the quality if I try to be more optimistic.


I read half the history chapter and did my math homework. I'm doing a fairly good job of keeping on top of my homework. Though I could just be working working working all the time, I do take breaks to get killed by zombies.

I kill them sometimes too ;p

Also, I'm quite proud of myself for getting to the gym. I did 20 minutes on a machine. That was enough for tonight. Listened to The Coral.

Had that iatrist appt. Going back on the Lexapro. Now that I think of it, maybe I should've never gotten off it, cuz it was after that that I went nuts my freshman year.

I don't really want to dwell on it though. This afternoon I fell apart again and now I'm feeling a bit better so we're going to go with that.

Tomorrow is Wednesday (halfway! short classes! Get ready for the chapter of Japanese that will kill us all!! ^_^) and I have a ride TO the bus stop for Friday (although it's cutting it kind of close and I don't have a ride back yet...will see about Ken. He is generally willing and a nice guy.)

The rest of the evening will be spent pleasantly showering, studying Japanese, and reading.

I wonder if I should start Militarized Streets over. That is sad because I am so near being done, but I really don't have a very good handle on what was happening. I was ahead today by having read it, and it wouldn't take too much to read it over...maybe I will. This is obviously a very important piece to my teacher, and he translated it. I feel like it will be important in the class and like I owe it to him to actually understand it. I'd also like to contribute to the conversation in a meaningful way on Thursday. *sigh* Maybe I'll finish it first and see how I feel.

Other than that I have Yukio Mishima stuff. I'm going to hold off on the Education project until after the midterm.

Monday, February 27, 2006

Anatomy of Needing a Ride (not really...i guess i can't get anymore out of that than i already did in my head so it didn't turn out so insightful)

I feel like hell.

Candy and social anxiety surrounding ride mooching have rendered me totally FUCKED for the evening and I really don't want to go to bed yet...

but of course I DO want to go to bed...horribly so. Just...I had planned on being up till 12...

I probably will just go to bed. Things just died.

I need rides for this weekend and for break.

I don't know where to get them. Maybe I will just get taxis. That seems so dumb though. Why waste the money when, for the minimal price of EMOTIONAL ANGUISH I can ride for free with a casual acquaintance.

It's getting to the point where I can't even ask people any more. Like I'll start a conversation with asking in mind and then give up half-way through. I find myself implying that rides are hard to get and hoping they will offer. THAT IS SO LOW.

I just want to see my boyfriend.

I wish I had someone I actually knew and spent time with who was supportive and available with a car. I can't stand feeling like I'm taking advantage of people. It's just worse cuz most people I know who have cars I dont' really hang out with. I just have to ask sort of out of the blue. I could contrive for it to not seem out of the blue, but that would be...conniving and evil.


This entry doesn't really belong here but maybe I dont' care anymore.

Nobody said the syntactic forest had to have pink fairies and dew.

Here come the big bad wolves...

It's only ten o'clock

and tonight refuses to end. I could do my math homework that isn't due until Thursday. I could read any multitude of things. I could play more games. There are many things I could do.

I'm kinda mad at myself right now about eating more.

The idea of going to the gym tomorrow is stressing me out.

The idea of many thing is stressing me out.

I'M GETTING STRESSED OUT and I'm not even...

gah forget it.


Thinking about other things...

yes, I will read some more. I have two hours till bed...there has to be something I can accomplish.

Tomorrow is the iatrist appt. Should be interesting. Also tomorrow is gumbo.

And long classes.

Annnnnd more work.

I read a lot during work today. Sadly I was horribly distractable and also very tired, so I'm not sure how much I really retained.

More depressing stuff though.

The story, I mean.

Thursday I'm going to go see The Mikado.

Friday I'm going to Frisco. There are only two weeks until break, but it seems silly to not go if I can and of COURSE I want to. I can't wait to see him. Reallllly can't wait. In fact, I feel bad cuz his dinner was getting cold while we discussed it quick. *shimmer happy falls over* Yeah, this week can just get ON with itself already...

Sunday, February 26, 2006

Eating pussy (attack of the entry nobody liked)

CREAMY soft SILKY rich MINTY melty PUSSY candy

No I really mean CANDY.

You knew I did anyways, but maybe I faked out some random happeners.

Closest I'll ever be though. So tasty. I bought it at The Vagina Monologues because my ticket was only 5 dollars (standing room only). Awesomely enough, I did actually end up getting a seat, which was good cuz it was about 2 and a half HOURS. Honestly, that is a little too much girl for me, esp all at once like that.

Actually the fact that I even pulled the pointless "eating pussy" joke is a little too much for me hahaha XD

I'm not that much of a girl...I mean...lesbian...I mean...I hate this entry!

(Unless a certain fellow is around. I really enjoy it then :D Sometimes even get sort of excited about it, and let's face it: if I weren't a girl, I would have no chance with him lol so if being a girl is really pissing me off I can take a deep breath and think happy boy thoughts. Boy. lol Not generic boy or tomboy or...YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!! THAT ONE! POINTS!)

I told him this already, but I feel almost like I have a monopoly on him. He refuses to appear on camera and his fans are rabbling about it. I get to see him though! In fact, I think I get to see him in something like five days. I think I'll start seeing who can DRIVE this weekend for me NOW lol. Not going to have a last weekend rehap. Maybe he will come here. If I do end up going out there I will have to find out ahead of time so I can see The Mikado on Thursday. Gotta see it!

I really do not like this entry lol.

I think I will post it though, as a testament to my frustration in not being able to correctly express what I think and feel right now, at least in blog form.

*radiates happy at not too far off boy* <---That is for sure.

Also: I'm ready to continue doing homework! The break has gone long enough! Let industry prevail!

Saturday, February 25, 2006

Overzealous homeworking leads to no homeworking at all...

First I was reading some more stories and got curious about soy sauce. Wikipedia loves me. Then I linked to MSG from there. It still loves me. I also found a tamari company TO LOVE ME FOREVER.

Thennnnn, even more ridiculous right? I'm trying to decide what I want to do next (and mostly trying to avoid my history text book...just so non-fiction...not my groove at the moment) and so I say, "hmm I should review Japanese" but I guess I didn't REALLY want to review, because I went to the voiceblog I like and listened to today's ep which was about potato chip flavors, clam chowder in particular. I followed a link to a potato chip website and was surfin' around reading random potato chip descriptions (not understanding more than a word or two here and there) when I found a sentence that was mostly readable AND contained some kanji I knew. Except (of course) it wasn't a compound I'd ever seen before. I looked in my kanji dictionary, on Jim Breen's WWWJDIC Server, and then I guessed the reading and looked in my useless pocket dictionary. No go. Then I wrote this SUPER LONG e-mail to my teacher in Japanese, painstakingly describing the entire process of how I got to this kanji and then asked her what it was. It was the exact moment I finished typing the question mark that I realized I should try Breen's again with the hiragana reading I guessed before. IT WORKED. I found the answer. I decided to still send the e-mail and see if my Japanese was even worth the time it spent to write it haha (I explained that too.) Hopefully I'm not the most annoying student in the history of the world!!!

I think I just had three or four hours of tangents. Never did read that history...good thing it's only Saturday ;p

Water polo puts a damper on swimming plans


(I'm KIDDING o_x)


Uhm...so yeah. There was a polo game so we decided to kick around a soccer ball instead. Not quite as vigorous by any means, but we talked a lot and had fun.

Probably will go see VM tonight. I was thinking about tomorrow afternoon, but once I REALLY considered it, I figure it's better to go tonight and let tomorrow unfold without a slice taken out of the middle of the day.

loo loo

Hope there are tickets left o_o


This morning awoke to find roommate departed (Taho) and sun shining. Had pb-banana wasa crackers and played some Zoomines before walking to Starbucks (had a bit of gift card left) for coffee and even decided to have a blueberry scone (which I almost regret because the ones at Java Aroma are TEN TIMES BETTER. I guess we learn...) later on. Took A Flock of Swirling Crows and Other Proletarian Writings along, read the first three stories. Random fellow asked if it was good. I certainly enjoy it. Pretty nifty cuz it's my prof who translated it. I think when I get back from Japan I will see if he would be willing to do a translation independent study class for me. Jump-start my whatever. Called Kacie on the way back to dorm, we'll swim at 2:30. Psyched! It's so nice outside. Warm and sunny. Even better than yesterday; just makes me want to play.

I'm in a really great mood. I think that week of misery must've paid off. That's generally how it goes with my moods. If I'm way up I know that I'll fall in a couple days and if I'm way down I know I'll shoot up later. Feelin' groovy today tho ne :D Gonna call the boy later and see how he's faring. Nice weather makes me wish I was there hiking up hills and playing alongside the five year olds on the swings. We had such a good walk last weekend.

It's amazing what a good mood can do for you. I still have TONS of things to do but it doesn't all seem so FRIGHTfully urgent now. I'll just do what I feel like, get it done, no problem.

Nooooo problemmm!! ^_~

Oh, the other thing I did was get caught up with the 1up Show. I had been treating it like I've been treating everything (literally) else in my life, a task on a list of things to get done because I SHOULD and NEED TO blah blah blah. What I really SHOULD do is quit making everything into a chore and let the fun stuff be fun!! So I had a great time watching this morning. Also a great time reading, and I'll have a great time swimming too because I WANT to do it and it's nice out. I'm not going just cuz I feel lazy (although there is that ;p)

Everything seems so easy when I'm feeling good. Although, there is this sort of horizonal fear that I really DO have too much to do etc etc and shouldn't be taking it so easy, but I think that is just habitual evil that can be dispensed with. I'll try to keep the happy mindset around longer.

Still even as I'm sitting here I find myself lapsing into that PLAN WHAT TO DO UNTIL SWIMMING mode where I feel like I have to give myself a schedule and get everything done and freak out and stuff. HELL. I think rather than think myself into a state of accomplishing nothing, I will go write my responses to some stories and continue reading ^_^

Friday, February 24, 2006

Games and more Nostalgia

I played a lot of games today :D For one, I'm totally addicted to Zoomines. http://www.yakyak.org/viewtopic.php?t=34125

HOURS and HOURS of my day were sucked into it. I died to find that my wrist had gone numb!! I don't think that's good.

Then, what else...playing Aria of Sorrow since I borrowed it from the boy. I should get back into FFII. I put it on hold... I think when I finish that I will by the DS Castlevania game (since it's obviously an outrage to the entire world that I don't have it yet...) As much as I want FFIV, it can wait. I'd really like the Mario Bros. DS game too...*sigh* Technically I really don't have money for any of it X_X


And then I just spent a really long time on Kingdom of Loathing. It had backed up so I had 200 hundred adventures to spend... I can't get past the rocks in the bat hole, but I did finally find the air freshener to use as defense against nasty guano.

Watched Crustacés et Coquillages in the PRIDE center. Only Flipper came, but that's good enough. Oddly, that movie didn't make me miss Paris as much as listening to Jamiroquai. Honestly. I put on Synkronize and immediately recalled all sorts of things... Walking around lost with the first track stuck in my head, but then I really REALLY missed my goofy little studio student room. I could SMELL it. I really liked it there: cooking, the radio, my bathroom, the stupid pillow, the suicide window. It's all so far away.

I've been reading my travel blog every once in a while. I have pretty much the previous two years on here, even over lapping in spots, so it's interesting to see what I was up to. Lots of it looks the same (stupid moods, obnoxious worries) but some things are realllly different. No more MCJP for one thing. Someday I'll get back there. That was the coolest place. On a happy note though, I have a boyfriend now. I didn't think that would happen. *sigh sigh sigh* :D

So yeah, today was better than yesterday. In fact, I don't think I cried today ;p

I did some reading, played a lot of games, and had classes. OH and I got a 96% on the first math exam ^_^ One down, two to go!

This weekend my roommate is going to be gone. It's too bad I didn't know that or I really would've dragged the boy out here. Ah well. Anyways I'll have the place to myself which means I can...do...all the crud I normally do without WOW noises in the background hahaha. ^_~ Sometime I will go to The Vagina Monologues. Not sure which day. Maybe Sunday afternoon. Other than that, homework, games, whatever the hey. I think I might have pizza for dinner tomorrow...pepperoni, green peppers, and mushrooms (for lack of sausage...) Depends if I can last until the Summit is open.

I think I'm going to bed now. Last night was great. Conked out around 10:30 or something and got like 9 hours of sleep :D I needed it ne. That's the only way I stay asleep so long is when I'm running low.

*thinks happy thoughts* ^_^

Thursday, February 23, 2006


"Seems to me I've seen that stocking someplace...but where could it have been? Don't you belong to a Miss Magnolia Hawks? I thought so. Next time you see her will you give her a message for me? I can talk to you better than I can talk to her..."

This was always my favorite part of Showboat. I found this love story very compelling the summer I turned 13. I wonder if that wasn't one of the first times I got some real enjoyment out of mush. Or maybe I just think I did. I guess I do seem to remember finding "You Are Love" a bit tedious. After a while I started appreciated it, quite a pretty song. Then again though, as I play it now, I have these phantom shivers remembering the way they used to run up and down my spine, so maybe I was into it heh. *shiver* Ok, maybe I'm STILL into it. I don't like the guy on the recording's voice. Never did. The guy from my sister's production was much better.

Hum hum hum. I haven't listened to this in years. For a while we used to sleep to it every night esp right after the show ended.

"Good-bye, My Lady Love" was my other favorite. I can't say I agree with the idea of her keeping this guy on the heater while she's off with her stray heart, but it's a very entertaining song and performance...


Also I'm passing this on:


I have cicado nostalgia too, but I'm not sure where it comes from. It's obviously not tied to anything.

*puts on Rooney*

Yeah...I'm out. Have a nice night.

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Some cool things...

So I found one of the biographies I was looking for in the library today. I SWEAR I looked before, but today for some reason, I found it. I'm going to try to concentrate on the fact that I found it, and less on the fact that I am stupid...


A sweeter thing is that I'm pretty much going to Tokyo. I turned in the paperwork today. The guy said I should hear in a month (maybe less) but that I'm pretty much in. The only reason I wouldn't get in would be if the program filled up, but I guess they've never had that problem before.

Cross cultural training starts next week.



If I don't double major I think I can get out of here winter '08

What makes me sad, is that I probably could've gotten out ON TIME!!! I never really had any motivation to end school, but now that I'm thinking about it, I sort of wish I wouldn't stipulated only one science or math per semester. If I would've just sucked it up and DONE my GERs this semester I could've graduated on time.

That makes me feel sort of a like a huge failure. A waster of money.

A loser.

So I could graduate only a semester late with a single major or a year late with a double major...

What is worth it?

Is a film studies major worth that 15,000 dollars?

Probably the time/effort/money would all be infinitely better spent figuring out how to get into the localization business.

I think I need to talk to some of my professors.

Or somebody.

Or some translators. I keep saying that.

Maybe I will get up the nerve to call Namco. They are hiring localization specialists. I'm sure they could tell me what I need to do...

Blah blah blah. More theorizing leading to zero action...

I'ma go run errands now...

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

To Call or not To Call

Definitely call.

This is something I have learned a couple times now. I guess learning really does happen through repetition.

Ohhhh the crud. See I was gonna write some stuff and be happy and talk about how I'm slacking some more and catching up with friends and net comics...but nowwwwww...

It is getting late...and I'm a scrubby scrubby scrubby girl. Damn!

One of those days...

where I'm too busy to keep working. I KNOW I have so much to do and not enough time to do it, but when it gets like that something in me has to stop accomplishing things for a bit JUST TO SPITE MYSELF.

I had some cookies.

This morning I woke up straight out of a dream. It ended with me getting dropped off. The story was over...I don't remember what it was, but I know that was the end. I got out of the car, and suddenly my alarm went off and I was awake. Breakfast with Flipper which was pretty crazy. Then I read for a while, watched 2 hours of Meiji Japanese domestic drama (I'm sorry, but SNOOOOOOOOOZE. I'm kinda sick of mistresses and money-lenders) in Lit class, and had tasty fish for lunch.

I read more...and more...and more. It's starting to get monotonous so I guess I'm taking a break. I don't really have time for a break.

School really does stress me out. Last night even got tough again. I don't want to be pathetic so I'm just going to have to put up the effort to not be. This also probably involves putting up effort RIGHT NOW to a)finish the chapter, b) go to the post office, c) hit up the library, and d) turn in my study abroad app paperwork in...the next...hour and a half. I think if I don't take notes on the reading I can do it. Notes can be taken later. Too bad my shower should REALLY be taken now. Maybe I would feel a little better.


*realizes how stupid that just sounded*

Of COURSE my mental well-being is more important than the freaking homework. The question is: Will the negative mental well-being effects of not doing my homework outweight the negative mental well-being effect of not having a shower THIS VERY INSTANT?

Prolly ._.


I think making light of these situations is the best thing I can do. I need to quit trying to squash every second of my life into a schedule. Quit worrying about what I somehow think I'm supposed to be. In fact, I don't even have any clear idea of what exactly it is that I'm trying to make myself into. That is probably part of the reason I get so upset. I'm just constantly trying to perFECT myself which is fine, but I think I can do that without flipping out all the time. I mean, if there is no definition of perfect, it's no wonder.

What do I actually WANT to be?

I was thinking about grad school this morning. Actually I was thinking about school in general. I'm getting that "wait a minute, there IS a real world and this is delaying my entrance" sort of feeling. It's CAMPUS. I SWEAR to you it is campus. It's so segregating. Not like I keep abreast of much anyways, but just the closed up environment with the stupid sprinklers and the paperwork and the dorms... Next year should be Tokyo, but then I have to come back and do this again for another year! ANOTHER WHOLE YEAR. Then I want to go on the JET program? I do? I thought I did. And then I want to go to grad school for THREE YEARS???? I DO?! It's all starting to sound very long and expensive. I should talk to some translators and see what I really NEED to do. This is another one of those cases where I want to be perfect and best and blah blah blah...MIIS is one of the best schools for translation but maybe I should free myself from the assumption that that is the ONLY way (the only way to what? end up working on video game localizations? PLEASE!!!)

So this whole line of thinking is well and good. Lighten up! Yeah! Play it allllll by ear. Enjoy being happy with the boy, enjoy cookies even though your Japanese teacher gave you Pockey in class today (to compensate for that slog of a film...), enjoy the fact that you are, every minute, less and less likely to finish everything you needed to get done for class. See now I'm just being mean again. I'm SOOOOOOOOO hard on myself. I mean really, how many people do I know who make themSELVES cry? I just freak out about everything when I just need to take a step back and quit chasing after all these vague ideals. I never used to worry about the gym or food or ANYTHING like I worry now. When did all that crud start being more important that being HAPPY; what makes me happy? (For a few really good examples check the last post.) This chapter of history was even a source of a ridiculous amount of stress last night. Being stressed out just wears my edge right off; can't get anything done that way. Not that sitting here expounding on my inner psyche accomplishes much either. Anyhow, it's nice to type it up and see it. Doesn't necessarily mean I need to POST it, but in a way blogging is sort of like being honest with anyone who stumbles onto your page. That strikes me as ok. Most people don't care. I can't honestly say that EVERY mundane account by any random person that I've seen has interested me, but it's not like I have a problem with that.

See look at me justifying this post ;p How silly! I'm just gonna write what I want and if anyone minds, then they don't have to read it.


Monday, February 20, 2006

Toxic Environment (and the cure/weekend/love)

A friend of mine training to be an anesthesiologist once told me that hospitals are a toxic environment (even when you work in one) and that he tries to spend as little time there as possible. Sometimes I feel like the university here is the same. I'm not sure why, exactly, my dorm and campus in general has boiled down to stress, but the second I got back I could already feel it.

Anyhow, to CONCENTRATE ON THE WONDERFUL THINGS ;p we'll continue with something a little more cheerful:


Love and happy. The boy and I somehow made three days feel like a week. Or maybe more than a week. In addition to President's Day, we had X-mas and Valentine's Day lol. My last class Friday seems so long ago now...

(Oh and that earlier post reflects the fact that he walked in the door just as I started writing. Not going to neglect the boy to blog...)

We did all sorts of cool stuff. I saw some of the original Dr. Who for the first time, which was supah groovy. I'm really excited about that actually. We also checked out the Cheburashka DVD I got him. It was so cute and so Russian that I nearly cried lol. Castlevania was also prominently featured in the weekend's activities, as were sea lions and the COOLEST gnarled trees ever. This morning we baked sugar cookies, mixed up our own frosting, and (with improvised tinfoil piping equipment XD) decorated like crazy.

Happy, happy, happy...

and then yeah, the bus ride, blah...it was ok. Everytime I do it, it seems to get easier. This weekend I had to transfer in Modesto instead of Sacramento, which was novel. Got back to school...no one came to see the movie, so I decided to just skip out and make up hours later in the week. It is, after all, a holiday.

After I called the boy though, I guess that's when it really sunk in that I was back. Talking to him on the phone must've made me realize that I'm here and he's way back there, so I was kinda bummed out, or at least lacking the motivation to launch into some industrious homeworking. I was going to go grab some dinner, but the Summit was closed >_< Then, lo and behold, was Marc. Bopping along to some crazy music so loud in his earbuds he couldn't hear me call his name, sight dimmed by the absurd pink-framed sunglasses he was wearing even though the sun had long since set, it took him a minute to notice me. One he did though, I was suddenly on my way to hearing some SWEET music (have to ask him what that was again...) seeing part of a really bizarre Italian/English horror movie (Deep Red,) and eating the most welcome stir-fry of my entire life. Vegan to boot. THANK YOU FOR CHEERING ME UP MARC

I feel better now. Can I be mushy some more? I'm so happy to have just spent three days with the boy. Spring break is in THREE WEEKS! I'm so ready! Not sure if we'll be able to swing something in between there or not...hope so though. *sigh sigh sigh*


Anyhow, time to get things done and remember what it's like to prepare for class.

eggs and coffee

We're gonna make cookies this morning and the butter is finally soft.

Thursday, February 16, 2006


So I've been running around laundrying and packing LIKE A MANIAC while studying in math in brief bursts of scholarly terror...

(Scholarly terror?)

I think I have everything. I'm buying my ticket at the bus station tomorrow because I realized I can save four dollars (the will-call fee.) I guess I'll buy the return on Monday cuz I'm not sure what the plan is for that.

I should be able to get away with bringing just two notebooks and a novel or two, which is pretty good considering. Still will be heavier than last time. I guess I am staying three nights though...

Flaming death I need to be asleep fifteen minutes ago >_<

Thursday better than Wednesday

Improvement MAX!

Today did not suck nearly as much as yesterday.

Also, dinner was exciting due to the fact that the dining hall company is having a roadshow, so chefs from other schools came and cooked exciting things. I had Korean BBQ (grapefruit BBQ o_O) ribs, sweet potato pancake, asparagus, and, for dessert, crème caramel. I feel spoiled @_@ (despite the fact that my serving of ribs had like 3 bites of meat on it...)

Anyhow, the goals of this evening include: studying like a banshee for the math exam, finishing notes on Ch. 9 of history, and reading the critical essay of Sanshiro (for extra happy.) Beyond that I guess I have some less academic goals of doing laundry and packing for the weekend. (YES YES YES YES YES LOVE AND PEACE WITH HAPPY UPON HAPPY XD)

Perhaps I'm experiencing some anticipatory glee.

Shoooooot, there was something I was going to blog about. I remember specifically being a geek and telling whoever I was talking to that I had to put it in here...and now I can't remember what it was...



It is not green or with frogs...

I dunno why I'm thinking about green frogs. Was it at lunch?


Oh crud...I'm supposed to be at work in 4 minutes.

Errrrrrrrrr, I guess that means I should leave.

*dramatically shaking fist* You haven't heard the last from me this night!!

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

Having read 2 chapters of Sanshiro...

that I realized really needed to get done tonight, I decided it wouldn't kill me to push back my reading schedule for history. I'm not sure why history reading is such a strain, because the book is great. Anyhow, I can do it tomorrow.

I still don't really feel that great, but I got myself to read Sanshiro. Yay. I think I'm just gonna chill the (short) rest of the evening and try to get back into the swing tomorrow. I spent hours and hours putzing with music and goofy games...bleh...but I guess it helped some of the horrid wear off.

Good things:

I did get a ride for Friday afternoon. Lex and I are going hit In-N-Out and then drop me at the bus station. It looks like I will have some time to kill in Frisco that evening before the boy gets off of work, but I figure early is better than late. I can't wait to see him! One would think that sentiment would get cliché, and on certain levels, it does (such as the levels where you have to try to think of something else to tell your friends to express the same thing.) For me personally though, it really doesn't get old.

(Ha, I didn't post this last night...)

Today has descended into the dark crevasse.

I haven't been so lousy feeling in a while. Plus, I feel bad for feeling bad because I'm not accomplishing anything and I'm no fun.

This afternoon I dragged myself out to the bank to some anime music. I felt ok for the first...ten minutes. After that it was just a slog, and then a slog back. Slog, slog, slog. I stopped at Target to see if I could figure out a cold or allergy medecine that would address my specific symptom. I even called my mom AND ask the pharmascist. I left with only my tissues and Grape Nuts and tried not to cry about it. (No...really...that's how stupid I am.)

I dunno what is up with all the stress lately. There is really no reason to be this worked up over ANYTHING. I need to relax or something. To that end, I played some mindless video games this afternoon for an hour or so. It didn't help. Actually it probably hurt because I haven't been up to anything productive SINCE then either, so it seems to have validated my funk.

Like my funk needs validation.

I didn't sleep very well last night and I don't feel that great now. I'm beginning to wonder if it's all just psychosomatic. That is scary though, because then there really is no way to stop it.

I kinda hate myself right now V_V

But only because I don't want to be this way! I try to think about happy stuff like the boy, but that only makes me worry that I won't be able to shake this crap and be a loser all weekend : / Usually just being with him puts me in a great mood, but if for some reason I was just a wreck still...that would suck. I would die.

I should go study for my stupid math test and read Sanshiro. I was thinking maybe Sanshiro would at least let me forget about stuff, but I can't bring myself to pick it up. I really need to be doing SOMEthing. For the past hour I've been sitting here playing stupid games and listening to The Cure (for the first time). Just glad that I'm not in bed crying... I might as well be doing that though, for the amount of stuff I'm getting done.

Well, I guess that's enough of this. It's not helping, only making me feel more pathetic. I hate feeling pathetic.

Please nobody hate me for this.


Math would make me kill myself if I were suicidal. I swear to God.

That fact alone is very frustrating.

Which is just frustration on top of frustration.

Maybe they cancel each other out.

When I do math it's like I regress into my grade school years and want to rip throats out.

That makes me feel bad.

I guess maybe I'm immature when it comes to math? I just get MAD. I guess I handle it as best as I can, but I still FEEL mad and I don't like getting all wound up over a stupid math problem.

I also just feel STUPID because I'd really like to think I am smart enough to do this stuff.

Math is interesting, but only when you REALLY understand it and for people to REALLY explain it to you, you already have to know how to do it. In that way, math strikes me as sort of backwards.

I have a test on Friday. I have aced all the homework and quizzes up to this point, but I have also forgotten everything. I dunno. I'm going to make flashcards for the formulas so I know which is which. I think I know that anyhow.

This is a common problem.

In fact:

I'm only really good at studying things I already know.

This is because once you know it, you know best how to go about learning it.

I guess because you already have.

Or something.

How idiotic it all is.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006


Just got off the phone with the boy :D We talked about animals lol which...I don't remember how we got on that topic, but he told a lot of really cool stories about back in Maine. I really love it when he does that...REALLY really. I've never been there, but it sounds pretty awesome...


Ha, and I haven't even done my math yet ;D

This is what is one of the great things about the boy though. I can spend an hour on the phone when I SHOULD be doing something else, and not care. I'm fine! Math will get done, Japanese will get done, I will get to sleep (maybe not at EXACTLY the "right" time, but I will!) and everything will be super! The boy = anti-obsession power! Maybe it's sappy, but he really does take my mind off of all the dumb stuff I worry about. I can just TALK to him and listen to HIM talk about a moose, or video game, or a cookie, and life is BRILLIANT!

I mean, to be EXCEEDINGLY honest (and nit-picky,) I guess I still am kinda self-concious, because I don't want to be stupid, but even with that slight undertone of mild worry, it's wonderful-l-l-l.

I like this feeling ^_^

Valentine's Day and some random ramblesome updates

Well, I get to see the boy this weekend and that will be Valentine's-y enough for me, I think. The dining hall had decorate-your-own-cookies that were super tasty. I have one stashed for tomorrow...

In Japan (as far as I have learned) on Valentine's Day, girls give boys chocolate. Apparently giriCHOKO is also sometimes given to teachers? (Obligatory chocolate heh) This wasn't made perfectly clear, but the vocab is handy and cute. A month later on White Day, boys reciprocate.

So the week is speeding by as they generally will, which is good. I'm still having trouble with my throat/nose. I think I will get some stuff at the store tomorrow, since I need more cereal anyhow. So I'm going to the store...and I'm also going to try to finish my film studies major paperwork!!! (Finally.)

Tonight at work I barely got any reading done. I love the book, but sometimes it's really hard to concentrate on. I get lost in Holland's struggles with Napoleon or something.

I should brush my teeth and do math and Japanese. I can put off the reading until tomorrow, I suppose.

Sanshiro is still really great. I'm so happy to be reading such stimulating fiction. At least, I find it stimulating. Back when I was trying to read I am a Cat (which I will return to someday when I actually have time to read. I hate when I start something and get too side-tracked by mandatory other stuff. <--A perfect example of a moment where I begin to feel as though I disagree more and more with prescriptive punctuation. I wonder, do people even speak of prescriptive and descriptive punctuation? If not, let the dialogue begin, because I feel that I would like to advocate on behalf the descriptive. After all, the written language is meant to convey spoken words, not just be cute. I don't think commas are all that cute in any case. Commas are pauses, so we should use them when we actually pause. I think I've started doing that, at least in my online writings and the original usage is starting to slip from my mind. It's sad on one hand, but on the other hand, it really makes more sense. We'll see...)

Other news:

I found a massive bibliography for my new annotated bibliography topic (Japanese Education, which obviously needs to be focused a bit narrower, but I'm going to take a look at some sources first.) I also realized that the online library catalogue will show you ALL the books we have on any specific topic, so I have a huge list of things to go check out (and perhaps check out ;p)

Next week, the National Japanese Debate Team is going to be here debating against Pacific. The topic is, "Should the Japanese military take a more active goal in international peacekeeping?" Does this mean that ACTUAL Japanese students are FLYING over here FROM Japan to debate? That would be really cool. In either case, I'm attending. Sounds interesting. I definitely enjoy a good debate. They're also having dinner. It's semi-formal, and I don't really have any good clothes, but I have...pseudo-semi-formal, so I guess that will have to do.

School is doing a production of The Mikado, which apparently can be described as "Pacific Students pretending to be British pretending to be Japanese" and also as a "good way to see all the stereotypes." Hmm...well, I'll probably end up going. Maybe it will be on a weekend where I can get the boy out here.

Math test on Friday. That class got harder, and I just found out yesterday that the guy who scheduled my tutor did it wrong, so I don't have one. She doesn't do that subject and the lady who does doesn't work with my time slots. *sigh*

To end on an up note, because I'm trying to be upbeat even though I sort of am in a funk, I have been playing Kingdom of Loathing and it's VERY silly! ^_^

Monday, February 13, 2006

The Jam Sandwich Files

(The following is an excerpt from my JLit Journal detailing an experiment performed earlier this evening.)

Next page: Ha! Eating a jam sandwich in the dark is mystical? I'm going to try it and get back to you ;p (No, for real...)

It's not dark enough to eat my sandwich...I dunno if I will be able to get it TOO dark...maybe I should just close my eyes and eat it in the closet (too bad there is no door.) Also I've researched online and consulted with a friend who has a history with jam sandwiches. There seems to be a consensus that cheese (usually mature cheddar) is involved. Also butter. Unfortunately, tradition also demands white bread. I think the jam I got is raspberry. I probably should've gone with the strawberry, but oh well. So it's white bread, butter (I think...I hope it's not margarine...), this jam, and cheddar cheese. The cheese I'm sure is not really the proper variety at all, since it's just whatever was lying around the dining hall. Also involved is some tea, which, while not mentioned in the quote (nor was the cheese) appears to be an integral part of the ritual. Getting darker...maybe I will hold out for a bit.

So, with the sandwich described above at about 6:13 pm Feb 13th, 2006, in the basement of John B (at work in the PRIDE center) I did my best to make it dark. A note was posted on the door which I ALMOST closed (to keep light out) entreating anyone coming to the center to enter despite the fact that the lights were off. It was kinda dark for a minute, but then my eyes adjusted. I forgot also to specify that Earl Grey (what I had) is not really the correct tea, but (as in the cheese's case) it was the closet I could get. For the record it was suppose dto be "generic tea" (in bag form.) So, at that time and place, I closed my eyes (for further darkness) and ate this funky meal.

My experience was not...mystical...per se. It was interesting, but I wouldn't say mystical, no. For one thing (just to get it out of the way,) I think being at work in the dark performing such a ridiculous experiment in and of itself imparted a certain tension and energy to the affaire. As for the sandwich, I was worried at first that I wouldn't be able to actually taste the cheese, which would have skewed the restults and required a retest. Thankfully, all ingredients made their presence known (and I'm not sure I want them known like that all at once ever again...)

First, of course, was the nostalgia/relative unfamiliarity of the white bread. I don't usually eat white bread, not regularly, at least, since high school. It's taste and texture are strange to me now. The jam was friendly enough, although this particular variety had an overabundance of seeds... Butter, I don't have terribly often, but I do enjoy it on occassion and certainly with jam on bread (esp dipped in coffee) would be an acceptable one. THEN I bit a bit FURTHER and found the ALIEN STOWAWAY! Not REALLY a stowaway, mind you, buy certainly foreign and it WOULD be unaccounted for had I not been on the topic of jam sadwiches for the better part of an hour this afternoon! The texture, normal for cheese, understandable with ham and lettuce, or beef and tomato, or chicken and mustard, etc, was twisted beneath these two pale slices of bread and their slatherings into a strange variable monster. Now delicious, now verging on the disgusting, the taste merged with and emerged from within the others in a nearly stomach-turning waltz. I couldn't decided if it was a pleasurable experience or not. The tea, I wasn't crazy about, but the sandwich, maybe the sandwich had potential! Maybe it IS holding me in some sort of MYSTIC SWAY. I WILL say that any mysticism IS due almost definitely to the presence of the aforementioned cheddar. I realize that in the novel the exact make and model of the "jam sandwich" was not specified, and it is making very large assumptions to include cheese here. In all truthfulness, my first reaction had been simply any old piece of bread with some jam, folded in half. Whether this is a matter of personal preference or just a sad ignorance of jam sandwiches, it is hard to say. Having spent considerable time and effor tto arrive at a more respectable specimen of jam sandwich may, in the end, have led me astray. After all, the Japanese are known at times and traditionally for their simplicity. The cheese is perhaps an unnecessary and possibly even inappropriate adornment. Having no recourse to primary sources, I made my decision, and there it stands.

This experiment could continue on, but I feel that if, say, tomorrow, I would omit the cheese (and most likely the tea) and simply have the bread, butter, and jam, it would then require the next night to be just bread and jam. What if the tea really does matter? And then there are further variations involving the type of bread, flavor of jam, toasted or untoasted, ham? pickles? In a word, infinity. Jam can be added to any sandwich and while it is generally the main ingredient that makes itself known in the title, this is not always the case. It is quite possible to use LARGE QUANTITIES of jam on anything.

In any case, this is swiftly descending into idle speculation. The matter is, as described, decidedly NOT closed, not for me, anyhow. However, the experiment was worthwhile for its own sake and I'm glad that one simple line from a novel (which doe snot revolve around jam or even sandwiches in the slightest) can inspire in me such genuine curiosity and scientific spirit.


PS - Over the course of the evening I've become more pessimistic in my views regarding this incident. This is a characteristic tendancy I have observed previously, when it comes to me, and was probably to be expected. The charm has worn off. The "mysticism" has met it's end. I do not like cheddar with jam. It is sort of nasty.

These people don't understand how much motivation it takes me to get in the shower...

and now they're all full. I had resigned myself to go take a shower, and everyone else, I suppose, has done the same. UNFORTUNATE.

I think I might go to the doctor tomorrow cuz I'm starting to just get this panicky anxiety crap where I feel like I'm broken and just won't get better and everytime I think that I either cry or want to. My sinuses are just too convoluted for the gook to navigate. This is my journal so I can be as graphic as I want.


But really, I feel like it's just stuck. I'm congested in this one very specific area and it's driving me absolutely insane. It's like a form of torture designed by a cold virus. I'm not sick anymore! I feel great! I just can't function normally because of this weird traffic jam in the attic of my throat.

I even call it that, the attic of my throat. It's the precise location where the end of your nose and the beginning of your throat meet up. The food tube, the nasal tube(s?) and the air tube are trying to relax and have a nice day, but all this crud is in the way. I need something I can drink like Drain-o and get rid of it.


Ultimately, this is what my blogs are for, for being far more complainy than I could allow myself in real life. I have to believe that this is better than freaking out with my friends, although I suppose I do that often enough in either case.

Also, when I don't feel well I don't work out and I'm starting to feel lazy. Bleh.


Math Problems

Hahaha! Yes, I have problems with math ;p

I feel sort of bad. I went all ranty on my partner today because I was frustrated. I really just feel like I'm not cut out to do this stuff. Why do I have to be? Is it ok to not know the binomial distribution of X? I should hope so. For this semester though, it's not, so I have to learn. I feel like I just sorta monkey through the problems. Hopefully the tutor is good. I have an appt this afternoon.

I take comfort somehow in the fact that today, as I agonize over whether the hypothetical planes are coming in on time or not (and the probability that at least two will), the boy is previewing video games. There are people in the land who have freed themselves from math class forever. Soon I will join their ranks and turn my attns to more worthy concerns!!

Or maybe just more entertaining...

*scurries off to review kanji and read Sanshiro*

Sunday, February 12, 2006

Today I'm Really Distractable

For instance, I'm in the middle of a chapter of my book...actually, I'm probably almost done. Anyhow, I'm NOT finished yet, but still I think I'm going to take a break and go eat. It's a great book so far, totally love it.

I guess maybe I'm hungry.

There was something I was going to write about though. Hahaha. I guess I got distracted.


My dream last night!

I don't remember most of it, but the very end I do. For some reason I was leaving my dog in Kyushu and going somewhere and I had this feeling she was going to die. I was sobbing and then all of the sudden I was awake. It's really weird to go from being so sad to simply...awake. My eyes were kinda clenched though. So I woke up all tensed and then realized I wasn't actually crying and my dog wasn't actually dead.

Then later my mom called and said she really had to talk to me but I had to call her back. I was worried that maybe my dream was foreshadowing my dog's death. She's pretty old. Obviously, that's sort of a long shot, but it crossed my mind anyhow. In the end, it turned out that my mom had misdialed and thought she was talking to my sister. She didn't have anything to tell me.


Anyhow, I guess I just felt like relating that. I was overcome, in the middle of a chapter of a book that has nothing to do with any of that, by the urge to impart the tale.

I'ma go eat now ;p

Fighting Spirit

So I'm trashing the basement of the castle with zombie bones. Is this where they bury the royal family? Am I sensing some resentment? Did we forget the rituals?

Zombies everywhere! Whoo!

I'm really disappointed in the effect that garlic has. Next to nothing. Why bother having it there if it doesn't do anything?


Zombies and stalagmites...stalagmites? Why the hell? I love video game monsters.

Everyone go read this article!


Pow! It's really good and check out the graphic that appears a couple times of the white guy looking at the red spot on his stomach. I'm pretty sure whoever came up with that is an absolute GENIUS.

Friday, February 10, 2006


I was going to title this entry, "With Pleasure" but I decided that "SEX" would be more blatent and dumb.

"With Pleasure" is only dumb because it's a pun with no context. Waste!

The point is, I went to the pleasure party last night and was introduced to many varieties of (literally) exciting goo, some "good vibrations," and a myriad of other toys.



It was pretty cool. I should've shopped, but I really wasn't sure what to get. It's too bad though, because this was a fund-raiser for the women's shelter. I should've just splurged. There were a couple things I could've gotten safely enough.

Anyhow, it was (in)decent enough and there were cupcakes.

Ended up going ot bed later than usual though. (I'm such a square sometimes!) I had to scramble through my math homework @_@

Anyhow, now it's the weekend. Tonight I read a bunch of Half Real (video game theory) and watched a movie I've seen before. My cold is settling into that linnnnngering phase. I'm probably gonna have one of those obnoxious coughs for a few days. I just hope I'm feeling good by next weekend because I get to go spend it in Frisco with the boy.

Tomorrow is Tiger Night's and I'm volunteering at the Freedom to Marry booth. My understanding is that we're putting on make-believe wedding ceremonies with cake and dresses and all that stuff. You get a certificate or something. The point is that ANYONE can do it. Hopefully I can just serve cake or something heh.

Sunday I think I might go see La Traviata. It's being putting on by the school and it's free for students. Right in the middle of the afternoon, so there's really nothing else I should be doing. Sounds good.


Today I found the soundtrack to Katamari Damacy :D *happy fuzzy*

Oh and I got a package from my Mom containing: the boy's x-mas present (Finally! after the order having been lost, backordered, shipped to wisconsin, shipped to california, etc etc etc! Flaming hell! ;p), a bag of seasonally appropriate PEANUT (YES!) M&Ms (pink and red ;p), a can of whole almonds (healthy!), seasonally appropriate cookies (that are rockin' dipped in orange spice tea), a Starbucks giftcard (I sense coffee and decadent bakery products), and some cash to help me get new tennis shoes.

Yeah, the shoes I have are kinda beat. I don't know what kind I should get though. I'd like something that looks super cool, but also supports my feet. Maybe I should check around online.

I decided to try going to bed and waking up at normal time this weekend. Obviously I could stay up late if I wanted, but I don't need to specifically. I can do anything that I would do up late tomorrow morning when I wake up and not throw off the schedule I keep during the week. It's not that I'm against staying up late. I just appreciate staying up late AND waking up early, so it's fairly arbitrary.

The other thing, is that I'm still 2 months behind on the Escapist. I've only been reading enough to keep myself at that mark. I'm sad. I've been reading since the end of November and haven't managed to get up to speed yet! Of course, I've been reading tons of other things (finished Thirst for Love!), but still. It's sad. I'm gonna try harder. Although this week I do have more reading to do since we're starting modern JLit...

La la la

Man, I'm just rambling now. I think that is WAY all.

Carry on!

Thursday, February 09, 2006

Here are a few moments during which it is not really worthwhile to attempt to accomplish anything...


I have to leave soon for my nutritionist appt so it seems rather silly to try to read the last chapter of Thirst For Love or finish the dungeon in FFII that I started before history class.

I had an absurdly early dinner today, which is odd because I had a pretty late lunch.


Because our Japanese teacher is generous with his bounty of Japanese snack food during movie days. (Today it was, I believe, talking heads on JLit.)

I'm not sure why I was starving at 4:30 though. I don't think green tea increases metabolism THAT much.

I'm suprisingly on top of my work load. All I have to do tonight REALLY is math homework, which as I've remarked before, takes a negligible amount of time.

Today I found out that the study abroad advisor people have a folder for me and that THEY rather than I should be collecting my materials. This is news.

I also found out that the evil class which has proved such a disruption to my schedule begins March 1st and meets next door in George Wilson whatchamajiggy.


I have to go! lol


Tuesday, February 07, 2006

shameless appreciation of my own somewhat delightfully turned phrase

"My roommate gave me some vitamin c drops, which I realize don't do anything, but they might offer some sort of placebo effect that I'm not quite prepared to discount."

I guess today I would rather acknowledge the fact that this is previously typed material than cut and paste guiltily. Sometimes, you just say it the way it deserves to be said the first time. Or at least, something that makes you happy enough.

I'm carrying on the oral tradition? Only...not?


*ten years go by*

apparently rather busy...

Sunday, February 05, 2006

Well phoo (but also the good side of things)

I have a cold, due, no doubt, to the fact that I was extremely stressed out all of last week. I also have math homework. It's ok though, because if it's anything like the usual math homework, it will take about five minutes.

I hope I didn't give the boy my cold : /


I saw lots of the boy (in color, with extra happy!), played groovy videogames, had tasty curry, finished the book I started on Friday etc etc etc.

Very good.

This week is uber busy! Lots of work, school, appts, events... I really wish I didn't have a cold. I guess I'm glad I realized that stressing out would eventually kill me, but I wish I could've chilled out before catching this yucky. (OK, it's true that I could've caught it anyhow, but it feels good to blame stress and offers an incentive to take it a little easier.)

*ramble ramble*

Yeah, this isn't helping me accomplish anything. I was supposed to be done with this by now! I'm sorry!! Ahh! *runs and hides*

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

A Quick Note

I got an e-mail from the Army. They want me to be an Officer. @_@ lol

Not a chance! I'm sorry, but no!

Yesterday was indeed very busy. I was KINDA tweakin' ne.

It's better to be more chill, I think.

Right now, I feel pretty good.

Have my bus ticket for Friday. I'm going to see if I can switch my work hours for the future though, because it would be much more convenient to leave at 2:30 in the afternoon and be there in time for dinner than to get in at 11:20 (if we're even on time >_<) and make us wander the streets in the middle of the night.

Love love love...


I'm really excited to see him.

This evening I attend the Russian Film class screening. We watched Urga/Close to Eden, which I really enjoyed. There was one pretty intense butchering scene that actually had one girl hurrying out of the room gagging... (In fact, I don't think she came back, either...) It's about Mongolians in China, their lifestyle out in the hills, and what happens when they meet a Russian guy who has car trouble. There is this really important dream sequence near the end where Ghengis Khan sicks his warriors on a TV and RIGHT as they bash it the sound cut out of the tape. The whole rest of the movie we watched in silence. I think that made it more cryptic than it was really intended to be heh (we did have subs of course though...)

Whoo, but I have to do some homework, soooooooooooo...that's it.