One of those days...

where I'm too busy to keep working. I KNOW I have so much to do and not enough time to do it, but when it gets like that something in me has to stop accomplishing things for a bit JUST TO SPITE MYSELF.

I had some cookies.

This morning I woke up straight out of a dream. It ended with me getting dropped off. The story was over...I don't remember what it was, but I know that was the end. I got out of the car, and suddenly my alarm went off and I was awake. Breakfast with Flipper which was pretty crazy. Then I read for a while, watched 2 hours of Meiji Japanese domestic drama (I'm sorry, but SNOOOOOOOOOZE. I'm kinda sick of mistresses and money-lenders) in Lit class, and had tasty fish for lunch.

I read more...and more...and more. It's starting to get monotonous so I guess I'm taking a break. I don't really have time for a break.

School really does stress me out. Last night even got tough again. I don't want to be pathetic so I'm just going to have to put up the effort to not be. This also probably involves putting up effort RIGHT NOW to a)finish the chapter, b) go to the post office, c) hit up the library, and d) turn in my study abroad app paperwork in...the next...hour and a half. I think if I don't take notes on the reading I can do it. Notes can be taken later. Too bad my shower should REALLY be taken now. Maybe I would feel a little better.

EVIL PLOTTING SABOTEUR!!! TRYING TO CONVINCE ME A SHOWER IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN FINISHING MY HOMEWORK!!!

*realizes how stupid that just sounded*

Of COURSE my mental well-being is more important than the freaking homework. The question is: Will the negative mental well-being effects of not doing my homework outweight the negative mental well-being effect of not having a shower THIS VERY INSTANT?

Prolly ._.

lol

I think making light of these situations is the best thing I can do. I need to quit trying to squash every second of my life into a schedule. Quit worrying about what I somehow think I'm supposed to be. In fact, I don't even have any clear idea of what exactly it is that I'm trying to make myself into. That is probably part of the reason I get so upset. I'm just constantly trying to perFECT myself which is fine, but I think I can do that without flipping out all the time. I mean, if there is no definition of perfect, it's no wonder.

What do I actually WANT to be?

I was thinking about grad school this morning. Actually I was thinking about school in general. I'm getting that "wait a minute, there IS a real world and this is delaying my entrance" sort of feeling. It's CAMPUS. I SWEAR to you it is campus. It's so segregating. Not like I keep abreast of much anyways, but just the closed up environment with the stupid sprinklers and the paperwork and the dorms... Next year should be Tokyo, but then I have to come back and do this again for another year! ANOTHER WHOLE YEAR. Then I want to go on the JET program? I do? I thought I did. And then I want to go to grad school for THREE YEARS???? I DO?! It's all starting to sound very long and expensive. I should talk to some translators and see what I really NEED to do. This is another one of those cases where I want to be perfect and best and blah blah blah...MIIS is one of the best schools for translation but maybe I should free myself from the assumption that that is the ONLY way (the only way to what? end up working on video game localizations? PLEASE!!!)

So this whole line of thinking is well and good. Lighten up! Yeah! Play it allllll by ear. Enjoy being happy with the boy, enjoy cookies even though your Japanese teacher gave you Pockey in class today (to compensate for that slog of a film...), enjoy the fact that you are, every minute, less and less likely to finish everything you needed to get done for class. See now I'm just being mean again. I'm SOOOOOOOOO hard on myself. I mean really, how many people do I know who make themSELVES cry? I just freak out about everything when I just need to take a step back and quit chasing after all these vague ideals. I never used to worry about the gym or food or ANYTHING like I worry now. When did all that crud start being more important that being HAPPY; what makes me happy? (For a few really good examples check the last post.) This chapter of history was even a source of a ridiculous amount of stress last night. Being stressed out just wears my edge right off; can't get anything done that way. Not that sitting here expounding on my inner psyche accomplishes much either. Anyhow, it's nice to type it up and see it. Doesn't necessarily mean I need to POST it, but in a way blogging is sort of like being honest with anyone who stumbles onto your page. That strikes me as ok. Most people don't care. I can't honestly say that EVERY mundane account by any random person that I've seen has interested me, but it's not like I have a problem with that.

See look at me justifying this post ;p How silly! I'm just gonna write what I want and if anyone minds, then they don't have to read it.

Hummmm.