Sunday, September 10, 2006

Attitude Problems

Yeah, in case anyone's missed it, I've been in quite the fucking mood lately. So now that I'm SICK on top of it, we might as well just give up. It's freaking 3:30 in the morning. I managed to sleep for a couple of hours, but now I'm wide awake. Can't sleep. Feel worse than I did before. My throat is bugging the hell out of me. It's not even that bad, it's that it's irritated (sort of like me) so I have to keep swallowing all the damned time which is bothering my stomach (and me.)


And there are people cackling outside.

And I have to go back to school in like 16.5 hours. (God, I almost said, "home." Don't let me do that. I'm not even hanging up my posters cuz I freaking hate it.)

On a train.


To Stockton.

To do more work.

And I don't even have a ride yet...

I think I seriously need to let some shit go, but I'm not very good at doing that. I was doing a really good job this weekend. Even wrote my paper without too much of a fuss. Generally feeling a lot better than I had all freaking week at school, and then I had to get sick.

I'd like to blame my roommate and hate her, but that wouldn't be nice and of course, there's no way to prove it's from her.

I had a dream where I was being really mean to my mom and my sister. For some reason they were bugging me about the name of this band I liked (it was playing...I don't think it's a real band) and I couldn't think of it (probably cuz it wasn't real) and that was really making me mad. And it was making me mad that they kept asking, making me feel stupid. Basically I was just being an all around jerk, to everyone. I realized that's pretty much the way I AM right now, at least to myself and my blog (and not knowing the answer to the question? How about fucking too difficult Japanese and astronomy and politics etc etc infinity?) I feel like I'm acting really dumb about school and everything, but I'm just genuinely not happy there. I don't feel like it's something I should hide, but at the same time, it just seems really immature to mope about it. Get over myself, or something : /

I took some cough medicine because I thought it would maybe help my throat. No such luck. I was hoping maybe it would make it so I didn't have to swallow every 2 seconds and make my stomach feel crummy. And maybe make me tired.

Technically, I should be drinking water, but I don't want to just drink water and pee all night. I should be SLEEPING. Why am I so damned awake? Scotty is sleeping, or at least resting well. Why can't I just follow a simple example and leave my brain on autopilot for a while?

Everything sucks ten times worse when you're sick. Always puts me in a really rotten pathetic mood. I should just GET OVER IT and concentrate on feeling better, but it seems sort of futile, since I JUST got sick today. See, I'm just getting depressed now. It only takes something as simple as that and I hate school, don't want to leave, feel like a pathetic loser, and hate myself for writing it all in my stupid blog that was supposed to be talking about how great it is to be learning so much Japanese...

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