Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Out of it

Maybe it's the weather? Maybe it's just this purposeless murk.

Either way I'm hot and not accomplishing much (read: anything.)

I just feel all around sluggy and hot, grimy, like I need a jump start.

I get impatient with being home so much just feeling like I should be cleaning all day.

The boy is going to be home late tonight and I'm sort of envious. I guess I'm only reiterating, but I really wish I had...a job or something. Could make some friends, gain experience, feel counted on. I don't want to feel counted on to clean the house, you know? That sort of thing is better as a joint effort.

I dunno, I can't seem to get this across right. I just feel sort of useless. Being unemployed sucks, I guess, or something. I don't even know.

I just know that it's not the fact that he'll be home late that bothers me so much as the fact that all I'll be doing till then is puttering around the apt. He's going to be meeting deadlines, interacting with co-workers, putting on the finishing touches on after hours, and I'll be sweeping, doing dishes, or playing a video game.

I feel really stupid getting in a mood about it, but sometimes I can't help but feel like I should be further along in life. I'm not even out of college yet.

I guess I've always sort of felt like that, even in middle school.

And then for some reason my family thinks that just because I'm a Japanese major I'll be able to get some kickass gov translating job (that, I might add, I don't even want) right out of college, nevermind that I won't be fluent at ALL.

And then everyone thinks I'm an idiot for not taking the coffee job because I'm leaving, but I don't like being a jerk and you can't get good references from people you screw over.

It's just those damnable early evening blues.

Not sure what I can do about that. Usually in the morning, or the night before, I'm feeling ok about the next day and what I can get done. Looking forward to that good feeling you get when something is accomplished, even if it's something really mundane or domestic (like putting laundry away...) As the day goes on, though, I just get feeling kinda broken.

What makes it look pathetic, though, is that I'm ok if the boy gets home in time to ward it off. The worst days are the days when he gets home late, but it's not BECAUSE of him and it's not like I am a clingy baby who can't do without him for a few hours. He's just able to distract me from other crap, usually. If he's not there to do it, nothing else does, because I DON'T DO ANYTHING ELSE V_V

That makes it seem like a huge burden I'm putting on him. I suck.

Sometimes I wonder if I should call my iatrist and tell him I get down almost everyday. Honestly, though, it's pretty obviously situational (as in I'm unemployed, confused about my future, don't have nearby friends to just chill with or feel awkward about doing so etc etc.) Am I just having a tough summer? I don't consider this very horrible (and I'm sure most wouldn't), so I'm not sure why I'm so susceptible to getting depressed.

Really, though, it's so many huge issues. Why do I have so many huge issues? One thing I think about pretty often is how I sorta wish I had never come to California. I can't say that, though, there is NO WAY. There is really only ONE facet of my experience that that sentiment pertains to, and that is UOP. I didn't need to go there. There, I said it. It was stupid. Sure, I can blame it on false advertising, but really it was just me on a whim with my student loans burning at full thrust. I love the boy and I love San Francisco, but damn Damn DAMN Pacific.

I'm so frustrated.

I don't want to work for the government. Why does everyone want me to get some "sweet set-up" with THE GOVERNMENT? Do I just have to do that? I'm not fucking fluent!

I wish I could just give up. I'm so sick of (almost) everything.

This post is pathetic. I think I'm going to go eat an orange and pretend it's a pill that makes me realize to my eternal rapture and glee that my purpose in life is to clean this apartment.

6 comments:

~dUcK! said...

Note: I do TRY to help myself. It just doesn't work as often as I'd like. The "pill" may have, though. I'm gonna put some music on and try it out. ^_^ As stupid as it is, sometimes I think just ranting like an idiot on this poor misused blog helps a bit. Gets everything where you can see it, for better or worse.

~dUcK! said...

Note also: IMing the boy no matter if he can reply at the moment or not just to say I love him is nice. Maybe that can be my coping strategy :D

~dUcK! said...

*enjoys commenting on her own posts*

It's like the audio commentary track on a DVD...

(that nobody ever listens to...)

~dUcK! said...

Another note: Jamiroquai's Synkronized does wonders.

nori said...

the other day i came across a little interesting article that read something like, when kate beckinsale had been teenage and suffering anorexia she had been going through Freudian therapy without much success, but when she began reading literature at a college she noticed that that was helping her.

i know one nice, fun detective novel which *might* get you busy: "All She Was Worth" by Miyabe. can learn more about the japanese culture from the novel in addition to the fun process of mystery-solving. amazon.com has it. might be worth a try if you are interested.

~dUcK! said...

Cool, thanx :D