Let's see if I can procrastinate some more...

Blah, I just took some pix, but I'm too lazy to even include them right now. Basically just consists of: 1) look how empty my room is 2) look how over school I am.

I have this sense when I feel like something is already over. Like last night when I gave up trying to reach the train. I just felt like it was too late, and there were other options, but the option of catching the train was done for. This is applicable now in two ways. First, I feel like both of these classes have been over for quite some time. The past week or two have been nothing but presentations and movies. Second, I feel like the option of studying is pretty much dead. I just can't do it. I think about it. I picked up my notebook. It's sitting right there. I went and had a snack so I couldn't say I was hungry. It's just not happening.

Do I just not care?

No.

I want to do my best. I don't know how, though. Will forcing myself to look at this stuff really make me better?

Honestly, I just don't want to write the meta-narrative essay. He's going to ask us what the meta-narrative of modern Japanese history is, and I don't feel like writing an essay on that. That's something you bounce around, discuss, read scholarly opinions of. I dunno. I don't feel qualified or inclined to make any sort of authoritative sounding document dealing with that topic.

I think my other issue is that sometime after I said good-bye to him this morning the boy dropped off the planet. Maybe I'm just being annoying, but I sorta wish I knew what he was up to. I can't get a hold of him and I told him I would call after my exam, soooooo I dunno.

I think I'm just in a mood.

I wonder if missing pills is contributing at all.

You know, if all of this school and campus life etc would just wind down on it's own, maybe it wouldn't be so bad. It's just that ending it all takes so much EFFORT. I have to take tests and mail things, clean things, make appts with RAs to check on the room, pack up the rest of my crud, and then wednesday I'm hiking to the cardiologist again and then hiking even more after that (with all my crap, mind you) to the train station where I will finally be able to relax. I like trains. I can deal with trains. Amtrak is nice.

I'm also serious about the nap thing. Whyyyy does it do that? I was hoping eating something else would help settle my stomach down, but it's still sore. It's a weird sort of thing...not really burny but...closer to that than to anything else. Ugh.

UGH UGH UGH UGH UGH

So what are my issues right now?

I'm lonely. I'm stressed out over tests (or maybe not stressed out enough...) My sleep is off. My stomach hurts.

I don't want to do anything.

I feel like if I try to study I will get sick or something. I'm that against it right now. If I think about looking at notes, I get this idea in my head that it will make my stomach feel worse, or maybe I just won't be able to concentrate properly or something. I dunno. Ha, concentration.

I guess I'm just burned out. Where did I go wrong?

Should I just allow myself to screw off till tomorrow? I have a few hours (during which I was supposed to run errands...) before my history test, and I'm not so worried about Lit. Hell, lit I could probably think about tonight if I wanted. And then, it's not like I haven't studied at all for history. I've been doing little bits. I read some relevent chapters in another book. Good review. I like getting other sources rather than just rereading the same stuff over and over. Repetition is good, but it's even better if you can change the context. That said, I dunno if that really works for history. It does for languages, though.

*falls over*

I don't even want to play games anymore. Maybe I should just go to bed. Go to bed, and get up tomorrow and take myself out for breakfast with the money I shouldn't spend. Pretty sure I've had it with the dining hall. I'm thinking cereal, bagels, and sandwiches from here on out. And breakfast.

I'm trying to decide if this is constructive or not, going over all the shit in my head like this. Maybe it is just self-indulgent and stupid. Maybe I'm "wallowing." By the way, I REALLY hate that word in that context. It just sounds really demeaning. It's like when people ask if you've been doing anything "naughty" lately. Makes me want to kick their teeth in.

Yeah, I guess I'm starting to feel kind of bad about it now. Going on and on like this. Maybe I will go brush my teeth, put on some music, and sack out. My stomach hates me.