So Scott is finally coming here this weekend! I'm so excited o_o He should be on the train hopefully right now XD
That was the "Yay" bit.
The "Nerg" bit is that my stomach is feeling sort of ouchy and not well. If the FREAKING DINING HALL MADE ME SICK I will seriously...I dunno what. I'm so mad. This is not a good time for anything even REMOTELY resembling food poisoning. Can I please just have a good weekend? PLEASE? I've been waiting ALL week and I've been good. Seriously, if my weekend gets messed up because of some tuna salad or something dumb like that, GAH. I'll cry : /
UPDATE: *trying to think happy thoughts*
Friday, September 29, 2006
Metablog
The beta switch.
Where have all the other LD catz gone? Jeremy (mostly) and I are almost the only ones posting nowadays...
Ah welllll...
Here's to Friday being almost over. I love the fact that I just spent all the time I was going to use to write my politics presentation outline doing that LD entry :D
S'ok. I'll be bored after astro. I need to go eat lunch now. It's wayyyyy past time for that.
Where have all the other LD catz gone? Jeremy (mostly) and I are almost the only ones posting nowadays...
Ah welllll...
Here's to Friday being almost over. I love the fact that I just spent all the time I was going to use to write my politics presentation outline doing that LD entry :D
S'ok. I'll be bored after astro. I need to go eat lunch now. It's wayyyyy past time for that.
Thursday, September 28, 2006
Mlerg
Why do I feel so uptight? I should just be relaxing and stuff, maybe reading a chapter of politics, but that's it! No stress right now! Tomorrow will be easy and then I get to be with the boy all weekend :D
I think maybe I'm not eating enough. I kinda wish I had a scale to see, but if I think I'm not eating enough, then it's probably the case that I'm not eating enough. Not sure what to do about that. Everything is so yuck. I have a friend who lives off of cereal, yogurt, and bananas.
Had three appts for Japanese tutoring today. One for third semester and two for first. I think they went pretty well. Hopefully I was able to clarify some things for them. I need to come up with some practice stuff for Tuesday...
Man, last night I slept so horribly. Maybe that's why I'm off today. *shrug* I just hate feeling off. Especially when I know I get to see Scott @_@ Why can't I just feel perfect for a while?
I've been thinking lately that maybe I should just screw the pills. I wish I could. I mean I spontaneously felt fine last week. It wasn't the pills that did that. I think I just have mood swings. Maybe I AM mildly bi-polar. I dunno, but who really cares? I just wonder if maybe I wouldn't have all these random little phsyical complaints if I quit. Maybe it's all just side-effects.
I have an apple sitting on my desk that I'm not too keen on eating, but I think I will anyways...
Blah, it's ok. I'll read at least a bit of this politics crap and then play Gamma Bros. :D
I think maybe I'm not eating enough. I kinda wish I had a scale to see, but if I think I'm not eating enough, then it's probably the case that I'm not eating enough. Not sure what to do about that. Everything is so yuck. I have a friend who lives off of cereal, yogurt, and bananas.
Had three appts for Japanese tutoring today. One for third semester and two for first. I think they went pretty well. Hopefully I was able to clarify some things for them. I need to come up with some practice stuff for Tuesday...
Man, last night I slept so horribly. Maybe that's why I'm off today. *shrug* I just hate feeling off. Especially when I know I get to see Scott @_@ Why can't I just feel perfect for a while?
I've been thinking lately that maybe I should just screw the pills. I wish I could. I mean I spontaneously felt fine last week. It wasn't the pills that did that. I think I just have mood swings. Maybe I AM mildly bi-polar. I dunno, but who really cares? I just wonder if maybe I wouldn't have all these random little phsyical complaints if I quit. Maybe it's all just side-effects.
I have an apple sitting on my desk that I'm not too keen on eating, but I think I will anyways...
Blah, it's ok. I'll read at least a bit of this politics crap and then play Gamma Bros. :D
Well, I guess I'll just put this out there...
学生だけです。
That means, "I'm only a student." It's the title of my Japanese voiceblog. I've always heard that it's good to record yourself because you can critique it afterwards, so I figured I would try it...and post it. OK, yeah, I'm sorta hoping some Japanese person will somehow run across it and laugh or something. Or maybe tell me how bad I am. Most of the time I just read stuff. Sometimes I guess I will try to extemporize. The first post (furthest down) is like that. The second is a thing from my textbook. The third is a song. The fourth is my homework for Friday.
I'm going to try to keep going... Unfortunately the mic built into my laptop does not pick up very well. I'm leaning into it for all of this stuff and you will still have to crank the volume a bit. Sorry : / It helps if you turn the volume of the player on the site all the way up first...
*whew* Pressure! Xav, you better go listen ;p See how bad I am :D Of course, all interested parties can feel free to comment as well. Comment here so you don't have to try to guess at the Japanese links. (Hell, even I guess at the majority of the Japanese links...)
Happy Thursday :D
That means, "I'm only a student." It's the title of my Japanese voiceblog. I've always heard that it's good to record yourself because you can critique it afterwards, so I figured I would try it...and post it. OK, yeah, I'm sorta hoping some Japanese person will somehow run across it and laugh or something. Or maybe tell me how bad I am. Most of the time I just read stuff. Sometimes I guess I will try to extemporize. The first post (furthest down) is like that. The second is a thing from my textbook. The third is a song. The fourth is my homework for Friday.
I'm going to try to keep going... Unfortunately the mic built into my laptop does not pick up very well. I'm leaning into it for all of this stuff and you will still have to crank the volume a bit. Sorry : / It helps if you turn the volume of the player on the site all the way up first...
*whew* Pressure! Xav, you better go listen ;p See how bad I am :D Of course, all interested parties can feel free to comment as well. Comment here so you don't have to try to guess at the Japanese links. (Hell, even I guess at the majority of the Japanese links...)
Happy Thursday :D
Wednesday, September 27, 2006
Complaint
Now, I'm pretty sure there was supposed to be more to this entry than regretting the nature of my lunch today, but I can't remember what that would be.
I shouldn't even bother blogging things like this, but for some reason I must externalize!!! Maybe it's a personality flaw : /
Anyways, I THOUGHT I was hungry, so I went to the dining hall. I already knew in advance (since I checked the menu website) that there was nothing I really wanted, so I was short on ideas. In the end, I created this weird salami sandwich with provolone cheese, brown mustard, lettuce, tomato, and pickle on one slice of wheat bread. It looked preposterous. It tasted...like a sandwich. I was not thrilled. I forced myself to eat half of it and then wondered if I was really as hungry as I had thought I was. On my way out I grabbed a banana. I feel a yuck!
Oh yeah, and then here is a funny yet sad story that happened today also:
I wanted to hear "Long Distance Call" by Phoenix. For some reason, I thought I had their latest CD here. I played it in the shower the other day and thought it stranged that I somehow missed my favorite song. Then I was playing it today, thinking maybe I could find it, but it didn't show up. I tried all of them. Looking at the track listing I could see plainly that it wasn't there. I wondered if something had somehow partially corrupted the CD (which is soooooo against Occam's Razor, it's funny...I guess my brain doesn't work too scientifically : /) I went online to check the track listing for the CD I thought I had. In fact, the one I had was not the one I thought I had. For some reason I had forgotten that Phoenix has not two, but THREE cds out. I own all of them, but only one of them is sitting over there in my cd case in my dorm, and that is the second, not the third. Luckily, it is on their site, so I can listen anyways.
...
...
...
Holy flaming hell.
I think I will cry.
"San francisco * IN STORE PERFORMANCE * on saturday 23th
PHOENIX will be performing live & signing copies of "It's never been like that" at VIRGIN MEGASTORE this Saturday @ 2.00pm
2 Stockton street / San Francisco CA
clicky
They'll be playing the same night @ Slim’s 333 Eleventh Street San Francisco, CA"
I was THERE. I was in town. Why wasn't I keeping up on this stuff? I SUCK. My favorite band was performing for FREE down the street and I had no idea. ARRRGH, my brain >_<
Frustration multiplier x2
My roommate just got in the shower where I am supposed to be right now...
x3
Hmm, I can see them on Late Night with Conan O'Brian on Friday, though. NOT THE SAME x_x
I shouldn't even bother blogging things like this, but for some reason I must externalize!!! Maybe it's a personality flaw : /
Anyways, I THOUGHT I was hungry, so I went to the dining hall. I already knew in advance (since I checked the menu website) that there was nothing I really wanted, so I was short on ideas. In the end, I created this weird salami sandwich with provolone cheese, brown mustard, lettuce, tomato, and pickle on one slice of wheat bread. It looked preposterous. It tasted...like a sandwich. I was not thrilled. I forced myself to eat half of it and then wondered if I was really as hungry as I had thought I was. On my way out I grabbed a banana. I feel a yuck!
Oh yeah, and then here is a funny yet sad story that happened today also:
I wanted to hear "Long Distance Call" by Phoenix. For some reason, I thought I had their latest CD here. I played it in the shower the other day and thought it stranged that I somehow missed my favorite song. Then I was playing it today, thinking maybe I could find it, but it didn't show up. I tried all of them. Looking at the track listing I could see plainly that it wasn't there. I wondered if something had somehow partially corrupted the CD (which is soooooo against Occam's Razor, it's funny...I guess my brain doesn't work too scientifically : /) I went online to check the track listing for the CD I thought I had. In fact, the one I had was not the one I thought I had. For some reason I had forgotten that Phoenix has not two, but THREE cds out. I own all of them, but only one of them is sitting over there in my cd case in my dorm, and that is the second, not the third. Luckily, it is on their site, so I can listen anyways.
...
...
...
Holy flaming hell.
I think I will cry.
"San francisco * IN STORE PERFORMANCE * on saturday 23th
PHOENIX will be performing live & signing copies of "It's never been like that" at VIRGIN MEGASTORE this Saturday @ 2.00pm
2 Stockton street / San Francisco CA
clicky
They'll be playing the same night @ Slim’s 333 Eleventh Street San Francisco, CA"
I was THERE. I was in town. Why wasn't I keeping up on this stuff? I SUCK. My favorite band was performing for FREE down the street and I had no idea. ARRRGH, my brain >_<
Frustration multiplier x2
My roommate just got in the shower where I am supposed to be right now...
x3
Hmm, I can see them on Late Night with Conan O'Brian on Friday, though. NOT THE SAME x_x
Write it down
I had at least two ideas about something which last night seemed very important. Of course, I knew that common sense dictates you write these things down before you go to bed because you'll forget them over the course of dreaming about strange things, sleeping in general, waking up to an alarm, etc.
Did I possess anything remotely close to common sense last night?
Apparently not.
I just hope that one of them wasn't an idea of something to write for LD, because I really need to do that and I'm sort of at a loss. Especially this week, since Jeremy is gone. I had an idea last week and failed to write it down.
I also feel like I should be writing more in general. Last time I wrote fiction was at the VERY beginning of the summer, before my laptop fell into disuse for those three months since the boy's comp is infinitely more useful (having the Internet and all.) Plot just kills me, though. Have I said this already? I can do scenery and characters because it's simple description, but if I try to introduce a story it becomes either cliché ridden and disgusting, or it doesn't become anything at all.
I think the last time I tried to actually generate a decent plot was my fling with The Noodle Stringers. I still think it could be interesting, but I'm not sure why or how. It's sort of a futuristic-Western setting populated by punks and counterfeiters, and maybe our shining glimmering heroine and her not so shining and glimmering sidekick. Actually they were probably punks, too. Anyways, the currency is...noodles. All different sorts of noodles like macaroni, linguini, udon, whathaveyou. I hadn't really figured out a good hierarchy and really, there are so many types of noodles that it would be difficult to figure out how to do it. I think maybe there would be something like fiveish accepted standards and then fringe populations can do their own thing with whatever they like under the table. Ravioli could be used to smuggle...things...hmmmm. Anyhow, anyone who is making noodles is considered a noodle stringer. I also hadn't really figured out how the economy would work because pretty much anyone could make noodles, drrr... But in my mind, there were these rich stringers out...I forget where. I had a whole map drawn out of this area...all labeled and diagramed. Also the region center was very...detailed... Hmm. In fact, not having that information may preclude me from ever seriously working on this again because I can't imagine reforming the region. It had it's character and it's cowboys and whatnot. You can't redo that. Or maybe you can. I dunno.
Maybe I could work in the slip ships, somehow. The cake-eaters, though, they come from a totally different place. I'm sort of proud of them because they are the first ORIGINAL thing to come out of my obesession with Daniel Pinkwater's stuff. When I was in fourth grade I churned out pages and pages of derivative...junk, basically. It wasn't very good, didn't make much sense, and was pretty much a wholesale importation of his universe into my head. In fact, I really hope that I have that piece I wrote somewhere. I did a short thing, sort of like a sketch of them, in my freshman year of high school...which I actually liked... Maybe it's on my old laptop, which my friend in Wisconsin STILL probably has, unless he chucked it, but I can't imagine he would do such a thing.
*sigh*
What was I even talking about? Oh, ideas that are forgotten due to lack of common sense. I remember. You always hear people who give writing advice saying to like...carry a notebook or something. Take notes. Jot down ideas even if it's 3 am. I KNOW this, but do I DO this? Not so much. I don't think it was anything creative last night, though. Probably something for school or something for...something. I dunno. Something boring.
BORING!
Not boring would be used to describe the new links! There are many in many categories. I will not link them here. Some art, some Japanese, some news, some whatever, I believe. You will find them if you want. They are there, and interesting.
Did I possess anything remotely close to common sense last night?
Apparently not.
I just hope that one of them wasn't an idea of something to write for LD, because I really need to do that and I'm sort of at a loss. Especially this week, since Jeremy is gone. I had an idea last week and failed to write it down.
I also feel like I should be writing more in general. Last time I wrote fiction was at the VERY beginning of the summer, before my laptop fell into disuse for those three months since the boy's comp is infinitely more useful (having the Internet and all.) Plot just kills me, though. Have I said this already? I can do scenery and characters because it's simple description, but if I try to introduce a story it becomes either cliché ridden and disgusting, or it doesn't become anything at all.
I think the last time I tried to actually generate a decent plot was my fling with The Noodle Stringers. I still think it could be interesting, but I'm not sure why or how. It's sort of a futuristic-Western setting populated by punks and counterfeiters, and maybe our shining glimmering heroine and her not so shining and glimmering sidekick. Actually they were probably punks, too. Anyways, the currency is...noodles. All different sorts of noodles like macaroni, linguini, udon, whathaveyou. I hadn't really figured out a good hierarchy and really, there are so many types of noodles that it would be difficult to figure out how to do it. I think maybe there would be something like fiveish accepted standards and then fringe populations can do their own thing with whatever they like under the table. Ravioli could be used to smuggle...things...hmmmm. Anyhow, anyone who is making noodles is considered a noodle stringer. I also hadn't really figured out how the economy would work because pretty much anyone could make noodles, drrr... But in my mind, there were these rich stringers out...I forget where. I had a whole map drawn out of this area...all labeled and diagramed. Also the region center was very...detailed... Hmm. In fact, not having that information may preclude me from ever seriously working on this again because I can't imagine reforming the region. It had it's character and it's cowboys and whatnot. You can't redo that. Or maybe you can. I dunno.
Maybe I could work in the slip ships, somehow. The cake-eaters, though, they come from a totally different place. I'm sort of proud of them because they are the first ORIGINAL thing to come out of my obesession with Daniel Pinkwater's stuff. When I was in fourth grade I churned out pages and pages of derivative...junk, basically. It wasn't very good, didn't make much sense, and was pretty much a wholesale importation of his universe into my head. In fact, I really hope that I have that piece I wrote somewhere. I did a short thing, sort of like a sketch of them, in my freshman year of high school...which I actually liked... Maybe it's on my old laptop, which my friend in Wisconsin STILL probably has, unless he chucked it, but I can't imagine he would do such a thing.
*sigh*
What was I even talking about? Oh, ideas that are forgotten due to lack of common sense. I remember. You always hear people who give writing advice saying to like...carry a notebook or something. Take notes. Jot down ideas even if it's 3 am. I KNOW this, but do I DO this? Not so much. I don't think it was anything creative last night, though. Probably something for school or something for...something. I dunno. Something boring.
BORING!
Not boring would be used to describe the new links! There are many in many categories. I will not link them here. Some art, some Japanese, some news, some whatever, I believe. You will find them if you want. They are there, and interesting.
Monday, September 25, 2006
Internet Outage and Work and some crummy news
Actually we'll go in backwards order.
The crummy news (which we'll get out of the way right now) is that I think my open hours have been cut (for the tutoring job.) That means that I have no guaranteed hours at all. My entire salary depends on whether people make appts or not. Luckily I still have my five hours at PRIDE, which amounts to 40 dollars (not counting taxes or whatever.) I suppose that is still enough to travel on, and that is the worst case scenario only. I think I actually have two or three appts this week, so maybe it won't be so bad.
Work was pretty banal. We hung some fliers for the meeting on Wednesday, talked about random junk, read our homeworks, and talked on the phone. Well, at least I did. First with my dad and then with Lily. It's a good thing, too, because that middle hour would've been a killer.
After work, when all I wanted to do was putz on the Internet, listen to some Japanese, see what's on 1Up, etc. the connection was out. Obviously it's back now, and during the interim I studied some Japanese. Maybe it was fate. But now I get to do my screwing off, so this is the end of the entry ;D
The crummy news (which we'll get out of the way right now) is that I think my open hours have been cut (for the tutoring job.) That means that I have no guaranteed hours at all. My entire salary depends on whether people make appts or not. Luckily I still have my five hours at PRIDE, which amounts to 40 dollars (not counting taxes or whatever.) I suppose that is still enough to travel on, and that is the worst case scenario only. I think I actually have two or three appts this week, so maybe it won't be so bad.
Work was pretty banal. We hung some fliers for the meeting on Wednesday, talked about random junk, read our homeworks, and talked on the phone. Well, at least I did. First with my dad and then with Lily. It's a good thing, too, because that middle hour would've been a killer.
After work, when all I wanted to do was putz on the Internet, listen to some Japanese, see what's on 1Up, etc. the connection was out. Obviously it's back now, and during the interim I studied some Japanese. Maybe it was fate. But now I get to do my screwing off, so this is the end of the entry ;D
Chasm
This morning I got some help from my astronomy prof. He went over this supposedly simple (but for me horribly puzzling) formula thing and, of course, it made brilliant sense when he did it, but none of the answers I got before had anything to do with what he got.
So he finished explaining it and I mumbled something about having trouble knowing which units to use for the formulas and I hypothesize that that was the moment where this voraginous hole yawned between us. He was like, "Yeah...well...yeah..." and I was like, "Yeah..." and then asked what my major was. I think if there wasn't already a chasm there certainly would've been by the time I said, "Japanese."
It's weird. I never really felt that way before with any of my teachers. Not my math teachers or any science teachers before. Even though they, too, obviously knew more than I would ever know about what I have dubbed the "Chasm studies" (because if I were to jump into the chasm, I would land on the bottom and if I started studying things like basic math and then calculus and then science stuff and etc I would be filling in the hole to eventually bridge and be able to have an intelligent two-way conversation with people over there) I never felt quite so...over here.
Disheartening to say the least! It's not like I'm depressed. I guess I always know that I can't possibly know everything, but I never really thought about how if I know a bunch of one thing and someone else knows a bunch of something else, we can't really have too much meaningful interaction besides explaining stuff to each other, which assumes we have the time and inclination to learn that other stuff. Everyone has their own "community," I guess. Is it better to be a generalist and float around? Maybe one can be special but not toooooooo special. Although now it's starting to sound like no one has a life beyond their academic interests @_@
Thinking too much gives me inferiority complexes :D I think maybe that's the bottom line. I just wish I could be on the same page as everyone all the time and it's just not possible! Too many pages...
CHASM'D!! ;p
So he finished explaining it and I mumbled something about having trouble knowing which units to use for the formulas and I hypothesize that that was the moment where this voraginous hole yawned between us. He was like, "Yeah...well...yeah..." and I was like, "Yeah..." and then asked what my major was. I think if there wasn't already a chasm there certainly would've been by the time I said, "Japanese."
It's weird. I never really felt that way before with any of my teachers. Not my math teachers or any science teachers before. Even though they, too, obviously knew more than I would ever know about what I have dubbed the "Chasm studies" (because if I were to jump into the chasm, I would land on the bottom and if I started studying things like basic math and then calculus and then science stuff and etc I would be filling in the hole to eventually bridge and be able to have an intelligent two-way conversation with people over there) I never felt quite so...over here.
Disheartening to say the least! It's not like I'm depressed. I guess I always know that I can't possibly know everything, but I never really thought about how if I know a bunch of one thing and someone else knows a bunch of something else, we can't really have too much meaningful interaction besides explaining stuff to each other, which assumes we have the time and inclination to learn that other stuff. Everyone has their own "community," I guess. Is it better to be a generalist and float around? Maybe one can be special but not toooooooo special. Although now it's starting to sound like no one has a life beyond their academic interests @_@
Thinking too much gives me inferiority complexes :D I think maybe that's the bottom line. I just wish I could be on the same page as everyone all the time and it's just not possible! Too many pages...
CHASM'D!! ;p
Sunday, September 24, 2006
Calendar note
Ok, so I'm always interested in making this semester seem/look shorter than it actually is. Flipping through my homework note book where every week is TWO PAGES does not do that. One thing that DOES, is the calendar my astro prof has on our blackboard site. (I would link, but you have to sign in...) It's just one quick scroll and you're down. Plus, he makes the days we've already done BLUE (not the best blue, but still, any blue is good...) which is nice. It's already been four weeks! We're on a roll ^_^
The other thing I like to do is follow the schedule in the Us Gov & Politics syllabus. It fits on a page and a half, and we're almost done with the half! XD
The best thing, though, is getting away from the school stuff. Maybe it doesn't make it seem like the semester is shorter, but it definitely stretches out the good times. I'm sooooo happy I got away this past weekend! Even though it sucks to come back, the alternative of not having gone is whole buckets of worse.
*love love love...sparkle*
The other thing I like to do is follow the schedule in the Us Gov & Politics syllabus. It fits on a page and a half, and we're almost done with the half! XD
The best thing, though, is getting away from the school stuff. Maybe it doesn't make it seem like the semester is shorter, but it definitely stretches out the good times. I'm sooooo happy I got away this past weekend! Even though it sucks to come back, the alternative of not having gone is whole buckets of worse.
*love love love...sparkle*
Don't let me forget I have a waffle in the oven...
I get so SNIFFLY when I have to leave Scotty in San Francisco : /
Good weekend, though. Played many a game, ate many a tasty food, and hugged many...times... XD
Friday, my goal was to just: BE DONE WITH EVERYTHING. That went pretty well. I got a lot done and felt very on top of things when I left. Of course there's much to do this week as well, but I'm in a generally better mood than I was before. My ups and downs seem more tethered to the baseline :D (instead of scraggling underneath it like some dying monster-thing XD)
-- Don't worry, I got my waffle. It is now peanut buttery and entering my stomach bite by bite...
So on the train home I sat by some really obnoxious people talking about red light districts and what they do there and what kind of drugs they like and how much they love it and blah blah blah. Rather a bit loud. Anyhow, I still got my crud done.
-- Hmm, maybe another waffle...
This evening I think I pretty much just get to chill. Probably will finish the chapter of my Japanese film book. Very interesting stuff. I hope I can find some of the movies they're describing. Reading about movies always just makes me wish I were watching...
Tomorrow is MONDAY (again! I think the deck is stacked 6_6) The cool thing is that on Friday one way or another, I get to see Scotty again! This is why I have two jobs, so I can leave as often as possible! It's all worth it on those Fridays. Actually, I'm hoping I can get him out here (finally :D) Both my roommates will be absent, so he wouldn't have to worry about that. We could just be wrapped up in our own stuff and not think about anything :D I could show him campus and Cocoro and Java Aroma :D Rock Rock Rock. Either way, though. All I know is that we don't have to wait two whole weeks again!! XD :D ^_^
Good weekend, though. Played many a game, ate many a tasty food, and hugged many...times... XD
Friday, my goal was to just: BE DONE WITH EVERYTHING. That went pretty well. I got a lot done and felt very on top of things when I left. Of course there's much to do this week as well, but I'm in a generally better mood than I was before. My ups and downs seem more tethered to the baseline :D (instead of scraggling underneath it like some dying monster-thing XD)
-- Don't worry, I got my waffle. It is now peanut buttery and entering my stomach bite by bite...
So on the train home I sat by some really obnoxious people talking about red light districts and what they do there and what kind of drugs they like and how much they love it and blah blah blah. Rather a bit loud. Anyhow, I still got my crud done.
-- Hmm, maybe another waffle...
This evening I think I pretty much just get to chill. Probably will finish the chapter of my Japanese film book. Very interesting stuff. I hope I can find some of the movies they're describing. Reading about movies always just makes me wish I were watching...
Tomorrow is MONDAY (again! I think the deck is stacked 6_6) The cool thing is that on Friday one way or another, I get to see Scotty again! This is why I have two jobs, so I can leave as often as possible! It's all worth it on those Fridays. Actually, I'm hoping I can get him out here (finally :D) Both my roommates will be absent, so he wouldn't have to worry about that. We could just be wrapped up in our own stuff and not think about anything :D I could show him campus and Cocoro and Java Aroma :D Rock Rock Rock. Either way, though. All I know is that we don't have to wait two whole weeks again!! XD :D ^_^
Thursday, September 21, 2006
Entry
Yesterday was...not so bad. Computer class in the morning went fine, I have no trouble in there, at least not yet. I believe I mentioned how little confidence I have in my paper, but so it goes. We haven't had a test yet. So technically, I guess what I'm saying is that I don't have trouble reading the book and answering the questions the teacher asks (which is good because the whole rest of the class, unless he specifically calls on them, is pretty mum.)
Then what, I must've done something. I can't for the life of me remember what. There was lunch, which I ate, but then I'm sure I did something or other between...OH...I remember now. I went gallavanting all over Stockton in the bloody bloody sunlight. Ok, not alllll over, but to the bank and the pharmacy. On foot. In the heat and the blaze and the surprising breeze that made my hair virtually unmanagable. Anyways, I got my stuff done and got back in time to collapse into my desk chair for a few minutes before dashing off to Astronomy.
First disappointment of the day (or at least, first disappointment that actually matters.) I got a B- on my test. One of the mistakes was a Scantron error (on my part...bubbled the wrong damned thing, but on my test copy it's clear that I had it right. The prof is scrutinizing this right now. I only asked about it since he had mentioned that the paper copy- with our work - could be used as back-up. He seems to be waffling on that now...), one was just plain stupidity; I didn't read closely enough. The rest, I just genuinely messed up on. If I get that one point back I might be in B range. If I weren't stupid I would probably have a B+. As it stands now, though, I pretty much suck. (And we'll get back to that later...) Also, since the test is the only really big thing we've had so far, my overall grade is a B- as well...
Dinner was boring.
I got to my first tutoring session a half hour early. Put up my 日本語 sign and waited for my tutee(s) to show up. Was supposed to be the Delta group. Got to be the appointed hour and...no Delta group. I waited fifteen minutes (which is supposed to be how long we're allowed to wait and get paid for) and then fifteen minutes more (because the guy in the office was nice.) Then I left. LATER I found out that the kid had been there since 4, so the fact that I was paying attn to people coming into the center made no difference. Not sure how he missed me with the sign and the kanji dictionaries and such, but it was kind of crowded... We're going to try harder next week *sigh*
Then, since I'm done with all my work for this whole week...already, rather than just screw off I decided to get started on next week's crud. I read an entire chapter of my computer textbook and then realized that I had skipped one. (This morning I read the one I skipped, so now I won't have to read anything from there for probably a week, I imagine.) After that I took at stab at some of the problems based on the Universal Law of Gravity and stuff like that from section 4.5 of our Astro textbook. DAMN did I suck. Partially it was because sometimes the input method for the online module was a little opaque, but sometimes I just had no idea what I was doing. This is alarming. I'm really glad he's not grading this homework (with an actually grade) cuz I would fail : /
That all took a pretty long time, so I decided to just call the boy and sack out. He was unavailable, so I just sacked out. No bad dreams, in fact, none that I can remember. Just sorta uncomfortable pillow and creaky bed.
Boring story, I know, but I really wanted to give myself a break before I start my politics paper, since I've been reading, in class, or otherwise employed since about 8:30 this morning. There's no one to chat to, so I guess I'll just...surf.
Then what, I must've done something. I can't for the life of me remember what. There was lunch, which I ate, but then I'm sure I did something or other between...OH...I remember now. I went gallavanting all over Stockton in the bloody bloody sunlight. Ok, not alllll over, but to the bank and the pharmacy. On foot. In the heat and the blaze and the surprising breeze that made my hair virtually unmanagable. Anyways, I got my stuff done and got back in time to collapse into my desk chair for a few minutes before dashing off to Astronomy.
First disappointment of the day (or at least, first disappointment that actually matters.) I got a B- on my test. One of the mistakes was a Scantron error (on my part...bubbled the wrong damned thing, but on my test copy it's clear that I had it right. The prof is scrutinizing this right now. I only asked about it since he had mentioned that the paper copy- with our work - could be used as back-up. He seems to be waffling on that now...), one was just plain stupidity; I didn't read closely enough. The rest, I just genuinely messed up on. If I get that one point back I might be in B range. If I weren't stupid I would probably have a B+. As it stands now, though, I pretty much suck. (And we'll get back to that later...) Also, since the test is the only really big thing we've had so far, my overall grade is a B- as well...
Dinner was boring.
I got to my first tutoring session a half hour early. Put up my 日本語 sign and waited for my tutee(s) to show up. Was supposed to be the Delta group. Got to be the appointed hour and...no Delta group. I waited fifteen minutes (which is supposed to be how long we're allowed to wait and get paid for) and then fifteen minutes more (because the guy in the office was nice.) Then I left. LATER I found out that the kid had been there since 4, so the fact that I was paying attn to people coming into the center made no difference. Not sure how he missed me with the sign and the kanji dictionaries and such, but it was kind of crowded... We're going to try harder next week *sigh*
Then, since I'm done with all my work for this whole week...already, rather than just screw off I decided to get started on next week's crud. I read an entire chapter of my computer textbook and then realized that I had skipped one. (This morning I read the one I skipped, so now I won't have to read anything from there for probably a week, I imagine.) After that I took at stab at some of the problems based on the Universal Law of Gravity and stuff like that from section 4.5 of our Astro textbook. DAMN did I suck. Partially it was because sometimes the input method for the online module was a little opaque, but sometimes I just had no idea what I was doing. This is alarming. I'm really glad he's not grading this homework (with an actually grade) cuz I would fail : /
That all took a pretty long time, so I decided to just call the boy and sack out. He was unavailable, so I just sacked out. No bad dreams, in fact, none that I can remember. Just sorta uncomfortable pillow and creaky bed.
Boring story, I know, but I really wanted to give myself a break before I start my politics paper, since I've been reading, in class, or otherwise employed since about 8:30 this morning. There's no one to chat to, so I guess I'll just...surf.
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
Feels like midnight
I'm not sure why it feels so late. It felt really late when I got off of work. I took a long shower, so I'm mostly clean now. Long day.
Everyday feels so long.
Yesterday was an eternity.
I always look forward to talking to Scott at night...so basically, I'm killing time till that. All my homework is done through Thursday. I'm so on top of everything it's scary.
Tomorrow is my first day of tutoring.
OH, but last night I had the worst dreams >_< Tough night last night, in case you hadn't heard... I finally got to sleep after flipping out a bit, but then I had these really bad dreams. For example, in one of them I got cancer, and it was this really horrible cancer that depended on me getting my period (one of those familiar horrors). If there was a way to stop me from getting it FOREVER, then I wouldn't get the cancer (and, consequently, wouldn't die from it.) Yeah...you can tell how I feel about it. There was another one that I probably shouldn't mention here, since it's semi-public. Well, it's totally public, but that doesn't mean the public shows up. Either way...
So, after that debacle in the morning (which of course will last forever...you can't really take that back) I ended up at the health center getting refills on pills. I asked if my iatrist was around cuz I wanted to check to see if he thought maybe the Wellbutrin was no good for me and thus started this whole process of getting really upset since I was still not really over that e-mail fiasco and everything. My therapist from last year saw me and asked how I was and wasn't I supposed to be in Japan, so then I'm crying, you know, cuz I'm sorta fragile these days. So then blah blah that and then my iatrist and he put me on ANOTHER PILL. He wants me to wait out the Wellbutrin a few more weeks to see if it works. In the meantime he put me on this other thing that I don't really want to take. In fact, I told him I would just wait it out, and we kinda both sat there silently mulling it over. In the end he prescribed it. I probably won't take it, though.
I ended up being late for class, but not missing anything. Group presentation went fine. Then I gave my prof my late note and told him I got held up at Cowell and he was like, "So what's wrong with you?" which is a very tactful thing to ask. He said it was probably being away from home and that it was good I have a place to escape to on weekends and holidays blah. He assumed I was a freshie, though, which is funny.
Lunch was ok. Not very eventful. I had some watermelon, as has been my habit of late. It's sweet enough that even if I want dessert it feels sort of pointless since the taste in my mouth is already so sweet...
The astro lab went fine, I suppose. I think my lab partners are friends, so they usually have their camaraderie going and I sorta do my own thing and we compare numbers. I don't much like numbers. Concepts, yes, numbers, no.
3 and I met at 3 to do Japanese, which was mostly just hanging around. We did study some kanji, though, and talked about vocab. This continued for about two hours. Good fun.
Killed some time on the net before heading to dinner and work. They did Thai curry and it wasn't too bad, but the real thing is better. Chocolate frozen yogurt. I read all three chapters for Thursday, finishing out Lijphart. LOTS of numbers. I took statistics last year, which gives me the vaguest of vague idea of what he's talking about (significant at the 5 percent level yab yab yab). I'm not sure what I'm going to write about it, but hopefully on Thursday we will have some good discussion in class to point me in the right direction. I'm planning to do the paper on Thursday afternoon so the weekend will be mostly free. Maybe a little reading, but that would be it, I think.
The weekend. Yep yep yep Tuesday is done. The moral of last night's story is don't go to bed until you're sleepy. Hopefully I'll be sleepy at about 12:30 so I can get up at 8:30. I wish I could always talk to Scott right before I go to bed. That way I feel really nice as I'm falling asleep. Last night, I'm not sure what happened. I wasn't tired enough and I started thinking all these horrible things. I think I said that in a previous post. Just pessimism with no reason. I need to get rid of that. All those stupid "What if..."s with no basis in anything. It's horrible. I'm going to stop thinking about it because, yeah, it sucks and this afternoon I've been pretty ok. The evening is usually the bummer because there's less to do and I wish I could be talking with Scott, or better yet hanging out in the apt doing whatever it is we do. I miss being there.
So we have Wednesday, Thursday and two classes on Friday before I head out on the train. I also think that I'm going to try to go more often this semester than previously. Since I'm making something like almost 80 bucks a week (I dunno what taxes they take or whatever) and also will have leftover money from my summer job check (which was almost 100 more than I thought it would be) I should be able to afford it. Just thinking about that makes me so happy (I want to cry. How stupid is that? lol Hormones are dumb.)
Boy, I talked an awful lot about an awful lot of nothing! How do I do it? What's my secret? Ha! Like I'd tell you ;D
Everyday feels so long.
Yesterday was an eternity.
I always look forward to talking to Scott at night...so basically, I'm killing time till that. All my homework is done through Thursday. I'm so on top of everything it's scary.
Tomorrow is my first day of tutoring.
OH, but last night I had the worst dreams >_< Tough night last night, in case you hadn't heard... I finally got to sleep after flipping out a bit, but then I had these really bad dreams. For example, in one of them I got cancer, and it was this really horrible cancer that depended on me getting my period (one of those familiar horrors). If there was a way to stop me from getting it FOREVER, then I wouldn't get the cancer (and, consequently, wouldn't die from it.) Yeah...you can tell how I feel about it. There was another one that I probably shouldn't mention here, since it's semi-public. Well, it's totally public, but that doesn't mean the public shows up. Either way...
So, after that debacle in the morning (which of course will last forever...you can't really take that back) I ended up at the health center getting refills on pills. I asked if my iatrist was around cuz I wanted to check to see if he thought maybe the Wellbutrin was no good for me and thus started this whole process of getting really upset since I was still not really over that e-mail fiasco and everything. My therapist from last year saw me and asked how I was and wasn't I supposed to be in Japan, so then I'm crying, you know, cuz I'm sorta fragile these days. So then blah blah that and then my iatrist and he put me on ANOTHER PILL. He wants me to wait out the Wellbutrin a few more weeks to see if it works. In the meantime he put me on this other thing that I don't really want to take. In fact, I told him I would just wait it out, and we kinda both sat there silently mulling it over. In the end he prescribed it. I probably won't take it, though.
I ended up being late for class, but not missing anything. Group presentation went fine. Then I gave my prof my late note and told him I got held up at Cowell and he was like, "So what's wrong with you?" which is a very tactful thing to ask. He said it was probably being away from home and that it was good I have a place to escape to on weekends and holidays blah. He assumed I was a freshie, though, which is funny.
Lunch was ok. Not very eventful. I had some watermelon, as has been my habit of late. It's sweet enough that even if I want dessert it feels sort of pointless since the taste in my mouth is already so sweet...
The astro lab went fine, I suppose. I think my lab partners are friends, so they usually have their camaraderie going and I sorta do my own thing and we compare numbers. I don't much like numbers. Concepts, yes, numbers, no.
3 and I met at 3 to do Japanese, which was mostly just hanging around. We did study some kanji, though, and talked about vocab. This continued for about two hours. Good fun.
Killed some time on the net before heading to dinner and work. They did Thai curry and it wasn't too bad, but the real thing is better. Chocolate frozen yogurt. I read all three chapters for Thursday, finishing out Lijphart. LOTS of numbers. I took statistics last year, which gives me the vaguest of vague idea of what he's talking about (significant at the 5 percent level yab yab yab). I'm not sure what I'm going to write about it, but hopefully on Thursday we will have some good discussion in class to point me in the right direction. I'm planning to do the paper on Thursday afternoon so the weekend will be mostly free. Maybe a little reading, but that would be it, I think.
The weekend. Yep yep yep Tuesday is done. The moral of last night's story is don't go to bed until you're sleepy. Hopefully I'll be sleepy at about 12:30 so I can get up at 8:30. I wish I could always talk to Scott right before I go to bed. That way I feel really nice as I'm falling asleep. Last night, I'm not sure what happened. I wasn't tired enough and I started thinking all these horrible things. I think I said that in a previous post. Just pessimism with no reason. I need to get rid of that. All those stupid "What if..."s with no basis in anything. It's horrible. I'm going to stop thinking about it because, yeah, it sucks and this afternoon I've been pretty ok. The evening is usually the bummer because there's less to do and I wish I could be talking with Scott, or better yet hanging out in the apt doing whatever it is we do. I miss being there.
So we have Wednesday, Thursday and two classes on Friday before I head out on the train. I also think that I'm going to try to go more often this semester than previously. Since I'm making something like almost 80 bucks a week (I dunno what taxes they take or whatever) and also will have leftover money from my summer job check (which was almost 100 more than I thought it would be) I should be able to afford it. Just thinking about that makes me so happy (I want to cry. How stupid is that? lol Hormones are dumb.)
Boy, I talked an awful lot about an awful lot of nothing! How do I do it? What's my secret? Ha! Like I'd tell you ;D
Damn
So last night I was not a very happy and couldn't sleep, so I was writing this miserable e-mail to my mom, right?
WRONG.
I had accidentally clicked the wrong thing and it went to my Japanese prof.
Very slick.
I feel infinitely stupid now...and still miserable. Actually, when I woke up I felt a lot better, but after realizing my mistake...I kinda want to melt into my carpet and become a nasty stain for future residents to wonder at.
Nothing like starting the day off on the right foot.
WRONG.
I had accidentally clicked the wrong thing and it went to my Japanese prof.
Very slick.
I feel infinitely stupid now...and still miserable. Actually, when I woke up I felt a lot better, but after realizing my mistake...I kinda want to melt into my carpet and become a nasty stain for future residents to wonder at.
Nothing like starting the day off on the right foot.
Monday, September 18, 2006
Down
and I know I shouldn't blog when I'm down. I don't even know where it came from. I'm off of work, got all my homework done...
I think Japanese is just killing me. So many of the things that take so much study here would be so simple and GRANTED if I were immersed.
Campus is a downer.
My roommate is having a thing. It's noisy.
I forgot to take my last dose of antibiotic; I guess I'll have it with breakfast.
I was going to say "for" breakfast, but I always eat breakfast...
Is that uncool? Maybe I'm too responsible for my own good. I mean, not about breakfast, about other things.
Bleh.
Yeah, I shouldn't blog when I'm down. It makes me feel worse.
I think Japanese is just killing me. So many of the things that take so much study here would be so simple and GRANTED if I were immersed.
Campus is a downer.
My roommate is having a thing. It's noisy.
I forgot to take my last dose of antibiotic; I guess I'll have it with breakfast.
I was going to say "for" breakfast, but I always eat breakfast...
Is that uncool? Maybe I'm too responsible for my own good. I mean, not about breakfast, about other things.
Bleh.
Yeah, I shouldn't blog when I'm down. It makes me feel worse.
Live from work
Yeah, wow. Three hours is kind of a long time sometimes. Like when you're in the basement of John B. and there are these weird little bugs flying all over and bumping into you every 3 minutes.
First I read the introduction to one of my new J-film books. It's one of those scholarly things that references other scholarly things, and you have to pay attention to every word and not read like normal, otherwise you miss thet whole point. She talked about how the technology of film is fused with this certain Western ideology. The "normal" way of viewing things that deep focus tech made possible in film is Western. She talked about how in Japanese art you can feel Confucian influence, but with film they adapted to thet Western style. Of course, the whole period was the "hurry up and Westernize" period, so it's not like we forced it on them.
Also, back in the day up till like the '30s they had these people called benshi who interpreted the films. Well, not only the films, but the technology of the films and the technique. It was uber foreign, as pretty much all the films shown in those days were imports. Either that or the Japanese people directing immitated the style so well that it still needed interpreting.
There were probably other things, but I forgot and it's distracting here.
My overload went through, so that's good. I also found out I will probably get my retro credits. The lady said it should be possible, in which case I CAN graduate early. At this point, though, I've gotten upset, so...whatever happens happens.
My astro test went ooooookay. I dunno. I studied a whole ton. I think it helped, but it was over so quickly...hard to be sure.
Other stuff...blah. Blah blah. Monday is nearly over ^_^ :D XD
First I read the introduction to one of my new J-film books. It's one of those scholarly things that references other scholarly things, and you have to pay attention to every word and not read like normal, otherwise you miss thet whole point. She talked about how the technology of film is fused with this certain Western ideology. The "normal" way of viewing things that deep focus tech made possible in film is Western. She talked about how in Japanese art you can feel Confucian influence, but with film they adapted to thet Western style. Of course, the whole period was the "hurry up and Westernize" period, so it's not like we forced it on them.
Also, back in the day up till like the '30s they had these people called benshi who interpreted the films. Well, not only the films, but the technology of the films and the technique. It was uber foreign, as pretty much all the films shown in those days were imports. Either that or the Japanese people directing immitated the style so well that it still needed interpreting.
There were probably other things, but I forgot and it's distracting here.
My overload went through, so that's good. I also found out I will probably get my retro credits. The lady said it should be possible, in which case I CAN graduate early. At this point, though, I've gotten upset, so...whatever happens happens.
My astro test went ooooookay. I dunno. I studied a whole ton. I think it helped, but it was over so quickly...hard to be sure.
Other stuff...blah. Blah blah. Monday is nearly over ^_^ :D XD
So, yeah.
I'm making my astro three by five.
I need to pick up my room
and talk to Dr. Cipris. Apparently...
92 + 20 + 12 = 124.
What's that 12, you say? Well that would be all my retros that they didn't transfer for some God-forsaken reason. GOD SHALL FORSAKE THAT REASON NO MORE. I'm gonna have a sit-in one of these days. They're gonna feel my wrath until I get those transferred over. Watch them try to tell me that it's too late. IT'S NEVER TOO LATE.
I only need 124, not 128. SO SAYS THE DEAN.
Anyhow, I'm gonna collect my formulas and go over more astro crud. I hope this test goes well. I did pretty well on the conceptual quizzes online, so hopefully I can do as well on the conceptual quizzes in class on the actual test.
I got my Japanese film books in the mail. I have a pretty sweet idea of how I'm going to work that class:
Japanese Film
JC = A New History of Japanese Cinema A Century of Narrative Film by Isolde Standish
RJF = Reading a Japanese Film Cinema in Context by Keiko I. McDonald
JHC = Japanese Horror Cinema edited by Jay McRoy
Week of Sept 18 - JC Intro
Week of Sept 25 - JC 1
Week of Oct 1 - JC 2
Week of Oct 9 - JC 3
Week of Oct 16 - JC 4
Week of Oct 23 - JC 5
Week of Oct 30 - JC 6
Week of Nov 6 - RJF (selection 1)
Week of Nov 13 - RJF (selection 2)
Week of Nov 20 - RJF (selection 3)
Week of Nov 27 - JHC (selection 1)
Week of Dec 4 - JHC (selection 2)
Week of Dec 11 - JHC (selection 3)
Each week will have a film accompanying it. These are yet to be determined, but should go with the material covered in the chapter. I'll keep a response journal which will hopefully be informed by the readings, or at least I can compare what I thought with the thoughts of the writer. RJF and JHC all have articles on specific films so I will pick chapters and films based on what interests me.
Final - 8-10 page paper on a Japanese film-related topic whether it be a director, genre, studio, or other subject.
So the grade will be based on my journal and the paper. Maybe..70/30?
I don't even know whether all of that is necessary or not. I will talk to Dr. Cipris about this and other matters today and we'll see where the fuss lies at the end.
I feel like my entire college career is a joke.
I need to pick up my room
and talk to Dr. Cipris. Apparently...
92 + 20 + 12 = 124.
What's that 12, you say? Well that would be all my retros that they didn't transfer for some God-forsaken reason. GOD SHALL FORSAKE THAT REASON NO MORE. I'm gonna have a sit-in one of these days. They're gonna feel my wrath until I get those transferred over. Watch them try to tell me that it's too late. IT'S NEVER TOO LATE.
I only need 124, not 128. SO SAYS THE DEAN.
Anyhow, I'm gonna collect my formulas and go over more astro crud. I hope this test goes well. I did pretty well on the conceptual quizzes online, so hopefully I can do as well on the conceptual quizzes in class on the actual test.
I got my Japanese film books in the mail. I have a pretty sweet idea of how I'm going to work that class:
Japanese Film
JC = A New History of Japanese Cinema A Century of Narrative Film by Isolde Standish
RJF = Reading a Japanese Film Cinema in Context by Keiko I. McDonald
JHC = Japanese Horror Cinema edited by Jay McRoy
Week of Sept 18 - JC Intro
Week of Sept 25 - JC 1
Week of Oct 1 - JC 2
Week of Oct 9 - JC 3
Week of Oct 16 - JC 4
Week of Oct 23 - JC 5
Week of Oct 30 - JC 6
Week of Nov 6 - RJF (selection 1)
Week of Nov 13 - RJF (selection 2)
Week of Nov 20 - RJF (selection 3)
Week of Nov 27 - JHC (selection 1)
Week of Dec 4 - JHC (selection 2)
Week of Dec 11 - JHC (selection 3)
Each week will have a film accompanying it. These are yet to be determined, but should go with the material covered in the chapter. I'll keep a response journal which will hopefully be informed by the readings, or at least I can compare what I thought with the thoughts of the writer. RJF and JHC all have articles on specific films so I will pick chapters and films based on what interests me.
Final - 8-10 page paper on a Japanese film-related topic whether it be a director, genre, studio, or other subject.
So the grade will be based on my journal and the paper. Maybe..70/30?
I don't even know whether all of that is necessary or not. I will talk to Dr. Cipris about this and other matters today and we'll see where the fuss lies at the end.
I feel like my entire college career is a joke.
Sunday, September 17, 2006
大好き
私は完全に日本語を忘れてしまった。
That's how I feel. And a new word, "kanzen (ni)" means completely.
ジェリービーンを何個ほしいですか？
That made me really happy, though. I can study a lot and hopefully everything will be ok.
My main problem is that I recognize things without being able to reproduce them. I don't know how to combat this besides maybe writing everything I read down by hand and reviewing grammar like a banshee...
That's how I feel. And a new word, "kanzen (ni)" means completely.
ジェリービーンを何個ほしいですか？
That made me really happy, though. I can study a lot and hopefully everything will be ok.
My main problem is that I recognize things without being able to reproduce them. I don't know how to combat this besides maybe writing everything I read down by hand and reviewing grammar like a banshee...
MY LATEST PERSONAL FUCKING HELL
Well, somehow I thought I had enough credits to graduate, but I'm counting and it's not adding up. I'm going to die.
Literally. This is all going to kill me and IT'S NOT WORTH IT.
E-mail just sent to my advisor:
"Holy crud I'm totally freaking out. I only 92 units. +20 is only 112 which leaves me SIXTEEN short! How did this happen? If I fulfill requirements and crud this semester shouldn't I be done? Do they make exceptions for transfers? If not, I need to know a) where my retro credits went...I thought we were allowed to transfer up to 70 credits and they didn't count any of my retros, only transferring 58; b) If there's a way to even out the credits from my old school...cuz they went on a different scale and counting 3 credits for equivalent classes here that are 4 is ridiculous (and it's fine if they want to change the 5 credit ones to four too...)
"Maybe it is different, because when I talked to the film dept about my minor they said that even though there were only three credits there it didn't matter because I fulfilled the requirements.
"Is that the way it goes? Because I'll have everything after this semester if this break-neck plan works... I can't do another semester. I have to LITERALLY pep talk myself everyday to even get through this one. I don't have the money either. I just can't...
;_;
~Emily"
Notice the missing word in the first sentence. Notice me sobbing silently the whole time I'm writing this. Notice how my mental well being doesn't exist on this campus.
I'm TRYING SO HARD.
I don't know what to do anymore. I guess I just can't think about it, as if that's possible. Pink elephants.
I just have to go to school this week and pretend like I don't care that they're processing my overload request. Whatever happened to my graduation application? I wonder if they've already found me out.
I HAVE TO GET OUT OF HERE.
Maybe I'm doing this to myself. Probably I'm doing this to myself.
There's not really anything wrong with campus. It's pretty and nice. It's just that I HATE IT.
I can't even think about this without crying. I cry too much these days.
What is going to happen to me? This question sounds so vague and unanswerable but in fact, the answer is very clear. Ok, no it's not. I thought it was, but it's really not. The obvious answer would be, "You're going to have to put up with another WHOLE YEAR of this place, trying not to die," but my loans are all different now, I don't have the money. I don't have the ENERGY. My actual school work is like NOTHING compared to the tremendous amount of emotional shit going on in my head. Are we at the center of some giant pentagram? Are the forces of the universe aligned against me?
"FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, SHUT UP! That's such a ridiculous thing to think. Why did you even type that? You don't meant it."
My goal for the week in my Tiger Lore book (because I find myself actually writing crap up there because I can't deal with anything) was, "Don't despair," and then as an after though, I added, "as much. You're ok!" I even drew a little cute smiley to try and remind me that life isn't so bad and it's NOT so bad, but school is. It really is.
I'd like to beat myself up right now for being such a pussy and not being able to "handle it," but that would be violating my goal that I didn't keep for LAST week, which was, "Keep...err...BE NICE TO YOURSELF" because the week before I didn't "keep" my goal either which was simply, "Be nice to yourself."
I need to stop. This is a bad habit and it only makes me feel worse because I'm NOT nice to myself...at all...ever. At least not without putting a whole lot of thought and effort into it.
The brightside: I got all my stuff done today. I have extra time. I even DID Japanese and I still have time for more. And you know what else? Most of the stuff I did this weekend isn't due until later this week. Even though I hate the paper I wrote yesterday, it's done. That's just how I am bound to feel whether it's good or not. It's not good, but...ok. Uhm...so yeah I did a good job getting things done. I also have a ride on Friday. I will be on the first train after 5 headed to Richmond. I love my boyfriend more than anything.
Literally. This is all going to kill me and IT'S NOT WORTH IT.
E-mail just sent to my advisor:
"Holy crud I'm totally freaking out. I only 92 units. +20 is only 112 which leaves me SIXTEEN short! How did this happen? If I fulfill requirements and crud this semester shouldn't I be done? Do they make exceptions for transfers? If not, I need to know a) where my retro credits went...I thought we were allowed to transfer up to 70 credits and they didn't count any of my retros, only transferring 58; b) If there's a way to even out the credits from my old school...cuz they went on a different scale and counting 3 credits for equivalent classes here that are 4 is ridiculous (and it's fine if they want to change the 5 credit ones to four too...)
"Maybe it is different, because when I talked to the film dept about my minor they said that even though there were only three credits there it didn't matter because I fulfilled the requirements.
"Is that the way it goes? Because I'll have everything after this semester if this break-neck plan works... I can't do another semester. I have to LITERALLY pep talk myself everyday to even get through this one. I don't have the money either. I just can't...
;_;
~Emily"
Notice the missing word in the first sentence. Notice me sobbing silently the whole time I'm writing this. Notice how my mental well being doesn't exist on this campus.
I'm TRYING SO HARD.
I don't know what to do anymore. I guess I just can't think about it, as if that's possible. Pink elephants.
I just have to go to school this week and pretend like I don't care that they're processing my overload request. Whatever happened to my graduation application? I wonder if they've already found me out.
I HAVE TO GET OUT OF HERE.
Maybe I'm doing this to myself. Probably I'm doing this to myself.
There's not really anything wrong with campus. It's pretty and nice. It's just that I HATE IT.
I can't even think about this without crying. I cry too much these days.
What is going to happen to me? This question sounds so vague and unanswerable but in fact, the answer is very clear. Ok, no it's not. I thought it was, but it's really not. The obvious answer would be, "You're going to have to put up with another WHOLE YEAR of this place, trying not to die," but my loans are all different now, I don't have the money. I don't have the ENERGY. My actual school work is like NOTHING compared to the tremendous amount of emotional shit going on in my head. Are we at the center of some giant pentagram? Are the forces of the universe aligned against me?
"FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, SHUT UP! That's such a ridiculous thing to think. Why did you even type that? You don't meant it."
My goal for the week in my Tiger Lore book (because I find myself actually writing crap up there because I can't deal with anything) was, "Don't despair," and then as an after though, I added, "as much. You're ok!" I even drew a little cute smiley to try and remind me that life isn't so bad and it's NOT so bad, but school is. It really is.
I'd like to beat myself up right now for being such a pussy and not being able to "handle it," but that would be violating my goal that I didn't keep for LAST week, which was, "Keep...err...BE NICE TO YOURSELF" because the week before I didn't "keep" my goal either which was simply, "Be nice to yourself."
I need to stop. This is a bad habit and it only makes me feel worse because I'm NOT nice to myself...at all...ever. At least not without putting a whole lot of thought and effort into it.
The brightside: I got all my stuff done today. I have extra time. I even DID Japanese and I still have time for more. And you know what else? Most of the stuff I did this weekend isn't due until later this week. Even though I hate the paper I wrote yesterday, it's done. That's just how I am bound to feel whether it's good or not. It's not good, but...ok. Uhm...so yeah I did a good job getting things done. I also have a ride on Friday. I will be on the first train after 5 headed to Richmond. I love my boyfriend more than anything.
About yesterday and the bit of today that has been
Yesterday I managed to accomplish most of what I set out to do. This kicks whole bunches of ass.
I had to go to that stupid class in the morning for my tutoring job. It sucks that I am getting "certified" and then leaving, but I'd much rather leave than stay on, so... Anyways, it's an 8 week "class" but there are only three "in service" meaning "in attendance" meetings. They're on Saturdays, but only once a month. It shouldn't be too much of a cramp on my style. It's going to be really boring, though, and pointless, too. They fed us soggy sandwiches for lunch. I had half of one because I figured I would be hungry sooner or later. It was...ok, but didn't help my throat.
After that I worked on my computer class paper that is due (at the end of) this week (and surfed.) I had a hard time picking a topic, so I ended up just settling on video games, because at least I could stand it. This paper became one of those with the capacity to make me cry, so I had to compromise. It turned out awful and I hate it, but at least it's done. I think I formatted the notes wrong, but...I dunno. If he docks me for that, then...whatever. He'll probably hate the paper far more than the formatting mistakes.
Enough cheerfulness about that!
At 5 I slouched over to the Korean BBQ, which was actually totally awesome. The food was all homemade and delicious. I would've enjoyed it more if I didn't feel so crummy, but still tasty, etc. I sat with Nila and ran into Youa (from US Gov & Politics.) Ho hum. Anyhow, I waited that out until the KSA (Korean Student Association) made their welcomes and thank yous and come to our events' and then left.
Didn't really get any more done on my paper then because it was almost time for OUTER HEAVEN. Undoubtedly the high point of the day if there ever was one. Insane cartoons and the movie Top Secret! were streamed, made fun of, and then streamed again (but I was doing my homework again by then.) I actually got on the IRC channel. Lots and lots of fun. Still better with Scott, but this was decent in the meantime. AND THAT'S WHAT SCHOOL IS: THE MEANTIME.
If I could only just remember that during my every waking moment this semester, I think I'll be able to take it.
Then after the movie is when I flipped out and hated my paper and didn't want to finish it, but I did and I hate it, but it's done (like I side up there.) I was miserable, but Scott said to look at some goofy comics which cheered me up pretty well. (I think it was Ian who showed me them first, but at the time I think I was too impatient to really read them. This time my sole purpose was be entertained FOR MY SANITY, so it worked really well.) They will probably show up in my links soon.
We talked on the phone for a bit and then I went to bed. Seriously, that evening phone conversation works wonders. No matter how horrible the day was it's all erased and I go to sleep thinking about happy things. (Love love love.)
My alarm had been set for 9, but apparently I wasn't quite ready to be awake. When it went off I was pretty into the dream I was having which featured a DDR-like video game only with drums and clapping, sorta of similar to that DK bongo rhythm game, only...not DK in any way. I was doing this specific level and died once. Then right as my phone started vibrating and beeping I was doing SO WELL, but I woke up. Grr...
I had Cheerios and strawberries on the edge of decay with not enough milk for breakfast. The cereal was the saving grace. Now I'm putzing around when I should really be showering and doing homework. Looks like I will be doing Japanese at 1, US at 5, and Astro during the in-betweens.
I wish I had a calendar to cross days off on, because I bet I actually would. Cross days off till the weekend (and a Scott!), weeks off till the month ends, months off till this whole thing called MY LIFE SO FAR ends and school is over. Really, I'm being optimistic here. I don't have it OK'd yet for me to get out after this semester. If they shoot down my proposal to overload and graduate early, I will just cry, BUT I'M NOT THINKING ABOUT THAT!!!!!!!
I'm thinking about getting crud done, maybe picking up my room a bit cuz it looks like a Propel junkie got loose in the pharmacy on the way to do laundry, but MOSTLY how in less than a week I'll be jammin' with my Scotty :D
I had to go to that stupid class in the morning for my tutoring job. It sucks that I am getting "certified" and then leaving, but I'd much rather leave than stay on, so... Anyways, it's an 8 week "class" but there are only three "in service" meaning "in attendance" meetings. They're on Saturdays, but only once a month. It shouldn't be too much of a cramp on my style. It's going to be really boring, though, and pointless, too. They fed us soggy sandwiches for lunch. I had half of one because I figured I would be hungry sooner or later. It was...ok, but didn't help my throat.
After that I worked on my computer class paper that is due (at the end of) this week (and surfed.) I had a hard time picking a topic, so I ended up just settling on video games, because at least I could stand it. This paper became one of those with the capacity to make me cry, so I had to compromise. It turned out awful and I hate it, but at least it's done. I think I formatted the notes wrong, but...I dunno. If he docks me for that, then...whatever. He'll probably hate the paper far more than the formatting mistakes.
Enough cheerfulness about that!
At 5 I slouched over to the Korean BBQ, which was actually totally awesome. The food was all homemade and delicious. I would've enjoyed it more if I didn't feel so crummy, but still tasty, etc. I sat with Nila and ran into Youa (from US Gov & Politics.) Ho hum. Anyhow, I waited that out until the KSA (Korean Student Association) made their welcomes and thank yous and come to our events' and then left.
Didn't really get any more done on my paper then because it was almost time for OUTER HEAVEN. Undoubtedly the high point of the day if there ever was one. Insane cartoons and the movie Top Secret! were streamed, made fun of, and then streamed again (but I was doing my homework again by then.) I actually got on the IRC channel. Lots and lots of fun. Still better with Scott, but this was decent in the meantime. AND THAT'S WHAT SCHOOL IS: THE MEANTIME.
If I could only just remember that during my every waking moment this semester, I think I'll be able to take it.
Then after the movie is when I flipped out and hated my paper and didn't want to finish it, but I did and I hate it, but it's done (like I side up there.) I was miserable, but Scott said to look at some goofy comics which cheered me up pretty well. (I think it was Ian who showed me them first, but at the time I think I was too impatient to really read them. This time my sole purpose was be entertained FOR MY SANITY, so it worked really well.) They will probably show up in my links soon.
We talked on the phone for a bit and then I went to bed. Seriously, that evening phone conversation works wonders. No matter how horrible the day was it's all erased and I go to sleep thinking about happy things. (Love love love.)
My alarm had been set for 9, but apparently I wasn't quite ready to be awake. When it went off I was pretty into the dream I was having which featured a DDR-like video game only with drums and clapping, sorta of similar to that DK bongo rhythm game, only...not DK in any way. I was doing this specific level and died once. Then right as my phone started vibrating and beeping I was doing SO WELL, but I woke up. Grr...
I had Cheerios and strawberries on the edge of decay with not enough milk for breakfast. The cereal was the saving grace. Now I'm putzing around when I should really be showering and doing homework. Looks like I will be doing Japanese at 1, US at 5, and Astro during the in-betweens.
I wish I had a calendar to cross days off on, because I bet I actually would. Cross days off till the weekend (and a Scott!), weeks off till the month ends, months off till this whole thing called MY LIFE SO FAR ends and school is over. Really, I'm being optimistic here. I don't have it OK'd yet for me to get out after this semester. If they shoot down my proposal to overload and graduate early, I will just cry, BUT I'M NOT THINKING ABOUT THAT!!!!!!!
I'm thinking about getting crud done, maybe picking up my room a bit cuz it looks like a Propel junkie got loose in the pharmacy on the way to do laundry, but MOSTLY how in less than a week I'll be jammin' with my Scotty :D
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