Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Yick Bleck Phooey (and the usual insecurities once more laid out in all their splendor and misery)

This morning was wasted here. I may or may not have made 48 cents.

*dies* I think the last hour and a half or whatever..two hours maybe (GOD) have ruined any motivation I may have had.

Uhm...last night I was uber-sick off my stupid pill. Managed to make dinner, but then couldn't eat it. I guess I'll have leftovers for lunch.

Today the museums are free so I should go see some modern art, but...

I dunno. For some reason in Paris it was cool to do stuff by myself, or at least I WOULD and enjoy it. Now, I just feel like it's lame or boring or not worth it. I mean, even the first time I came to San Francisco (or was it the second...) it was a total on my own thing. That was still cool.

Maybe I'm just depressed still. Haven't heard anything back from school...wish I could just skip the whole damnable thing. Also, I'm not sure I'm really cut out for this job that I will be doing in two weeks. I may end up spending my entire pay check just to ride the stupid bus around V_V Yesterday, as I said already, I took a big long nap to try to feel better. I don't want to do that today. I've slept enough. Sick of sleeping, but I'm sick of most other things too. The boy will leave soon and I'll be left with a messy apt and guilt.

To clean or not to clean...

The summer is wasting away.

Maybe since my strategy yesterday sucked I should just drag myself out today. That is easier said than done, however, because for starters, I need a shower. That means I need to shower, AND eat lunch, AND WALK alllll the way down there and actually have the attn span to look at art by myself for...however long. None of this sounds any good to me right now.

One of the most alarming things is that feeling that one has already given up. Not like you think you will, but just something in you tells you it's already happened and you had no input. Generally when I get that feeling, it's pretty much over. The damage is already done, and the end is near. Whatever it was tends to finish as a phenomenal waste of time/money/energy and I feel like crud about it for just about ever. I've been feeling that way about Japanese lately.

Maybe it's just a personality flaw.

Maybe I'm a weak, pathetic, flake. It's a sad thing to realize.

This is altogether too emo.

This is altogether too much what I luckily DIDN'T do YESTERDAY while I was feeling really bad. I decided I WASN'T going to blog about how much I hate myself, and here I am doing it now, albeit in a much more calm state of mind.

I feel guilty. Most of all for not having a handle on myself. I feel like a horrible person for not knowing what's going on...with me. Also for my paralyzing indecision. Laziness. General funk. I don't want to inflict my existential dilemmas on others. Or any other dilemmas.

Where I am right now, I don't think I would want to hang out with myself. I'm worried that eventually everyone will realize that I bring them down, or that I just have no concept of reality, or that I am a loser and a bad influence, SOMETHING and then I won't have a boyfriend or a friend or an acquaintance.

I hate the fact that I'm writing this. It sounds so...stupid. It's exactly the sort of crap you would expect to find it a worthless blog of no account.

I didn't want this to be that.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

no inult, just injury??

Sorry, uh you are doing fine, or no? Because when a person can get what they want they are persuasive, but. And I know you hate my comments usually. (soiwilltryto make thisoneinconequence)
a successful person is what you will be, and that is a journey?

im really ued to being alone and not communicating with anyone much

but im persuasive

not succesful

~dUcK! said...

Yeah, I'm generally fine. Just feel like I'm meant for more than I'm living up to presently. It'll change, I'm sure...journey or whatever.