Today has utterly defeated me.

I feel horrible.

I thought maybe I had a ride for this weekend, but that has fallen through. Food was a mess. I have no will to accomplish anything. Actually, I did for a bit. The one thing productive thing I could bring myself to do was look for jobs. I found a great-sounding one, was trying to slap together a resume, and was maybe even POSSIBLY succeeding, when in another window (damned multi-tasker that I am) a PDF froze the whole computer and I lost everything. If I barely had the will to do it once, I sure don't now.

I want to go curl up in bed and cry instead of:

doing my math homework
memorizing some pointless (yes, pointless) Japanese dialogue
worrying about "non-digitalized passport photos"
writing about Japan's economy
reading the rest of the TODAY'S reading assignment for history
working on my annotated bibliography
figuring out what kind of insurance I need to get for Japan
asking in vain if anyone knows anyone going to Frisco on Friday
re-typing the resume e-mail
wondering if my study abroad advisor will ever call me back (or if he exists)
pretending to be trying to get something done
listening to more net radio
eating the pear on my dresser
taking a shower
blogging...

but I guess I shouldn't.

I really don't feel up to anything right now though. I feel like the best I can do is fall apart and maybe get it together tomorrow. This is not to say that things will actually come together. Tomorrow is Wednesday. That just means it's one day closer to the day where everything has to be right and it's still all wrong.

It's not ALL wrong.

Good things for today:

...

Ok, I'm trying.

Oh, we watched Drunken Angel in JLit today and it wasn't as boring as the other movies. I actually enjoyed it. That doesn't mean that I was in a movie-watching mood, nor does it mean that I wasn't antsy and wanting to leave, but it was a worthwhile film, anyhow.

Food just made me mad today, so we're going to avoid that.

Uhm...

I got a box from my mom! Most of it is things I shouldn't have until Easter, but I opened it up for the Studio Ghibli movies. (They jibble...) There is a LOT of candy (all very very good candy, probably the most well-rounded Easter basket in all history,) a toothbrush (which makes me wish I hadn't bought one yesterday), some lip stuff, and my new shoes. I tried the shoes on, and they look pretty girly, perhaps a little too much for my wardrobe even. I always get really attached to the shoes I wear, though, so I think my initial reaction is always somewhat negative, no matter how cool the new ones are. They are blue and orange.

I listened to Ellis CDs.

I'm in love with my boyfriend (and we'll assume, to keep with the "good things" theme, that he's still in love with me.)

C'mon, one more...there has to be something...

If all else fails, I'm still HERE, but there has to be something specific. Today wasn't really all that bad until a few hours ago...

Oh, I watched the news again. I'm proud of myself. I really do think I will be able to stick with it.

Allow me, though, to say that I'm frustrated by the fact that I feel like I'm spending my time more productively watching the news and reading the internet than doing schoolwork.

Ok, but that was negative and it paved the way for all these other things. It's like they're massing at the gate, "Yuck, and it rained most of the day. I have a stomach ache again. I miss the boy. I don't want to do anything etc etc etc"

Makes me feel like I need to start over with the good things again.

*sigh*