Feeling vaguely...

disgusted by the nastiness masquerading as some sort of half-assed apple crisp. The fact that it LOOKED half-assed should've probably cued me in that it would be pretty horrible, but I was nonetheless taken in by its promise of actual fruit. Could've just eaten an APPLE, Emily. I mean, come ON. I'm tempted to make up for the displeasure with chocolate, but instead I think I'll settle for brushing my teeth. I have new vanilla mint toothpaste.

So, to be honest, most of miffed-ness I'm experiencing here is due to the fact that I had chocolate soy milk this afternoon and that was SUPPOSED to suffice as far as excess sugar goes today. It's a double slap to the face when your cheating dessert is yucky.

Then the next question is why do I feel the need to address this HERE? Because obviously I do. Is this a healing process? Wait...I'm supposed to do some exercise thing from my therapist at times like these. How perfect...would you like to experience it with me? Let's; it'll be a joy, I'm sure:

Date/Time: Wednesday, April 19, 2006, 7:01 pm

Situation: Ate extra dessert. It was yucky.

Automatic Thoughts: BAD! Failure. Double slap to the face (illicit and icky) You can't keep eating this way or you will gain weight and you already look weird enough (The problem with assigning number values to these things still seems pretty impossible to me. I'm supposed to say how much I believe these things at the time. Of course, when you think them, they are the rule, but if you pick it apart you can TELL yourself that no no no, don't over react blah blah blah...we'll say 100% I said I wasn't going to have any more dessert and I did. That IS a complete lack of will power. FACT! 100%)

Emotions: disappointed (30%), angry (10%), dissatisfied (cuz it was yucky) (30%), stupid (10%), worried (20%)

Adaptive Response: I'm not good at this. Note how my automatic thoughts also happen to be CORRECT. Let's see though... Ok, first of all, one of the questions is, "What is the effect of believing th eautomatic thought?" I guess we know the effect is that I wig out about food and lose weight until doctors tell me to gain weight. That wasn't fun or healthy really. I think too much about this stuff. Maybe that is another automatic thought, ne. (100%) "What could be the effect of changing my thinking?" Well, see, for a while it was really easy to justify eating whatever I wanted cuz I was TRYING to gain weight. If I had extra dessert it didn't MATTER so much. Of course, stressing this much, as has been pointed out, is JUST AS BAD AS THE STUPID DESSERT. But ok, the effect now, of saying, TO HELL WITH IT, would be...well, maybe I would gain weight. I do believe that, but I'm not happy about that. (100%) "What's the worst thing that could happen? Could I live through it? What's the best thing that could happen? What is the most realistic outcome?" See, I'm really really good at finding bad things. Theoretically, I COULD just keep gaining weight and end up with heart disesase and dying a horrible death. An airplane could also crash into my dorm room and crush me right now. (That was Donny Darko, not 9/11...if anyone...was confused...) I wouldn't live through THAT haha. But no, really, I AM worried about it because I don't want this to be a bad habit. I don't want an unhealthy lifestyle. Ne? That sounds reasonable, I think, but others would maybe disagree. So the best thing? There is no best thing. This is me, having eaten too much dessert that tasted bad. There is NOTHING good about that. I didn't even enjoy it!!! One questions my motivation for continuing to eat it... In fact, I did only eat about 2/3 of it. Why? Collapse of COMMON SENSE. Slave to the decision. I have this thing where sometimes I make a decision and then I really have to go through with it. Sometimes I need to be more flexible. Maybe I can apply that to the dessert thing too, in which case I could say that I just "changed my mind" about having only chocolate soy milk for the day. Even so, changing one's mind to allowing cake with every meal is not acceptable and while that's not something I would be likely to DO, it would sure taste good, ne? Wouldn't we all enjoy cake? Rarrrrr. The other thing is that I wasn't supposed to have dessert YESTERDAY and I did. This is an everyday sort of battle. So it seems that I really do just need to totally CHANGE what I accept, but what does my BODY accept? I DO NOT WANT TO BE UNHEALTHY!!!! AGHHHHH. Random number time: (100%) That goes for the hesitation and doubt found here as well. Let's continue though...

Outcome: I still believe my automatic thoughts... "Changing my mind" would be a cop out. Current emotions now include self-hatred (10%) for wanting to cop out and relax the rules, in addition to all the other things. "What will you do?" I will...quit thinking about it? Dwelling on things never helps.

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That will SO not all fit in the little boxes I'm supposed to fill out. It was also not helpful. Maybe I do it wrong. I'm probably not supposed to think NEARLY as much.

Uhm...

I found a cute website. I'm actually going to cite it in my research paper. It's so adorable and helpful.

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Today, while I was eating the HEALTHY part of my dinner, Scott's coat called me, as it frequently does. I think it's cute. It caught me with a mouthful. At first I couldn't hear because of all the people and trying to chew discretely, but then I realized it was just pockety noises. Awww.

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Time to go watch Democracy Now!.

ORRRRR NOT...as the page refuses to load. That is distressing. And yes, everyone, I realize that I will need to add some MORE sources to my news collecting endeavors. This is a STEPPING STONE. Errrrg. In the meantime I will go read this, or maybe I should just do homework...

Blahhhh...