bad vibes

You know, I think school really has ruined me. It generally ruins anything, as anyone who has been assigned homework knows. It's really amazing how you can take ANY topic and just by virtue of it being forced on you render it painful. In fact, even if you're the one forcing yourself, it still becomes meaningless and horrible.

I'm rather down at the moment if you couldn't tell.

It's just my nature, I guess, to pick everything to bits until it's all guilt and anguish.

Joy.

Let me just confess right now that I probably won't be reading chapter 13 of my astro book anytime soon. MAYBE I'll skim it later, but you know what I'm lazy and unmotivated. Cuz it's not on the test. Cuz I suck. I dunno. Whatever you want.

THIS is how my brain works! How sad and strange.

I think I need to quit kidding myself that everything is inherently fun and interesting. I'd LIKE to be the kind of person who is fascinated by everything, but I guess I'm just not. God, I'm depressed.

I shouldn't post this but then I shouldn't have written it because it's exactly the kind of shit that I need to not do, but as long as it's here I might as well.

disappointing lunchtime

Bleh bleh bleh. FOOD! I swear! My arch-nemesis. There weren't SWEET POTATOES. They were pureed into this Not Very Good concoction of pork, peas, and...yeah...mash-up nasty. Also featuring: On The Dry Side brown rice and some mediocre broccoli. The best part was, of course, the part now consuming me with guilt: fudgiest brown you'll ever eat in your life.

*sigh*

This blog is not a valuable blog, but at least you'll all (all three of you, and that's probably an exaggeration) know what I had for lunch and whether it is ruining my life or not.

Oh, the monday life...

Here at school we've a nearly 4 hour film to watch and an astronomy test to cram for, also sweet potatoes (if the lunch menu is to be believed.) Lots of reading (recreational and non) to do, and laundry. Yes, clothes are one of those vitals, at least if you want to leave your dorm cave. Oh, excuse me, "residence hall."

I put up some new pix of the paper waste and worn clothes strewn about my floor, also the monster in his domain. He happily guards my bed by day and suffocates under my arm by night.

Probably will have lunch soon, although I meant to get some DDR in before hand. All these things I mean to do. I should go to the store this afternoon for some things, read some textbooks, do some practice quizzes, play some Starcraft...maybe. The beta test is proceeding...still. I don't feel quite as useful as I could be, but I'm not sure what I should do different.

I need to stop looking at craigslist and just go eat lunch and do homework...*sigh*

lazy day

Ended up getting out of my Saturday class so I could come to Frisco Friday night. Train was a pain. So was BART. There was a cute baby, though. I made her smile.

Got some J-films to watch finally. Other than that all I really have to do this weekend is study for my astro test.

There is laundry being done. Maybe I will play some video games. The boy is sleeping since he is having a relapse of his cold.

"I-I-I like you crazy..."

I'm gonna take a moment and be ridiculous and wonder what I would do if my wonderful boy couldn't handle all my depressive introspection. Supposedly everyone thinks too much, but I'm gonna be a bastard and consider myself the leader in that category. And most of it is so embarrassing, too. I don't even talk about it. I just mope and say I think too much.

This evening I did not, in fact, tutor, but rather recreated an open-faced turkey, gravy on toasted sourdough sandwich that I ate with the boy at a cool little Chinese diner two weekends ago in the dining hall. Yes, damn you dining hall. Not enough turkey OR gravy.

Also: whiskey cake + hot caramel sauce > guilt for having two desserts in one day

(that's greater than i.e. worth it i.e. OMISWEET YUM YUMS Jammin' wow [yeah...if Moss doesn't say it, then I will.])

I feel a bit better now, after talking with the boy for a bit. Although I was being quite the punky mope for a while. Also, about that not guilty thing up there. I actually meant it. It wasn't like I tried to not be guilty and then failed eventually. It really was worth it and not guiltful. Sorta reminded me of x-mas pudding, well, the texture anyways. Tasty cake with rich sauce. Yum yum Yummmmm.

*sparkles*

Tomorrow is Friday and then there is some boring interlude things before a SATURDAY when I get a BOY BOY BOY BOY BOY BOY.

Federal Mate State Crowd Beta Plans

So, I guess I've been kinda slackin' on the mundane blogging. Contrary to appearances, there actually HAVE been things going on.

Gave that presentation. I may have mentioned that. Today, however, we got our grade back. Despite the fact that he said I need major voice work, AND I made a factual slip-up, I got the best grade in our group (A-/A). Overall we came out with a B+/A-, so that was good, I guess.

Yesterday I got my Mates of State t-shirt (which I ordered in M which is too big : / maybe it will shrink) and their new(ish) CD, Bring It Back. I listened to it yesterday for the first time. It seems like whenever I listen to something for the first time I am kinda lukewarm. I'm listening again right now, though, and it definitely rocks. Yesterday I felt like it didn't have as much energy as Team Boo, but I'm feeling it now. The sound seems to get more complex with each release, I dunno if anyone else notices that, or if I'm making it up. Just sounds like there's more going on, more sounds, more tweaking. Anyhow, it's really good. Number 6 especially has a crazy good beat... *hum hum hum*

Been playing some good video games, but even more than that I've been watching this AWESOME British TV show called The IT Crowd. Seriously, it's probably one of the best shows I've ever seen. I don't usually go for TV so much, but this is so hilarious. I esp like Moss. Pretty much everything that comes out of his mouth cracks me up. One thing I learned is that the brilliant quote that I took as "Jammin' wow!" was actually (and anti-climactically) "Chairman wow!" *_* I don't understand that at all. My version is better! Wa ha ha!

Last, but not least, I've been accepted to the Enso beta test. It's pretty sweet. I jumped up and down the other night, though, so I've chilled out a bit since then. I like the applications. Can't decide if it's something I would buy or not, although it is really neat. I think if my computer was faster it would be better...

*shrug*

This afternoon I'm apparently tutoring and writing a paper and reading some bullshit about computers.............taking a shower, listening to musics...

Maybe seeing a movie later (or not...) I don't really want to go, but I feel like I should. I mean, it's Coming Out Week yadda yadda...

Yadda.

In which Emily time-travels

Today I will play old (relatively) video games, and eat chicken tenders, fries, and soda. This is like elementary school :D Sam & Max! Starcraft! Dr. Pepper! Man, all I need now is soccer practice and the feeling that there could never be enough homework...

Those were the days. Actually, it would be more accurate to be playing Day of the Tentacle or Indiana Jones instead of Sam & Max, and I never played Starcraft back then, but still. The time is right. The food is perfectly on cue. I mean, it's not quite McDonald's, but close enough.

Yuck lol

The trick now is to not feel guilty. I think I can do it! I mean, this is a nostalgia trip. I haven't had chicken tenders with fries and soda in... ... I can't even remember how long.

Word.

That was the break

So now it's the hard slog to Thanksgiving. I had a nice weekend. The boy is sick, so it was quiet and at home, but I like the apt and I love the boy, so it was good. We played Magic this afternoon until it was time to go. He bought me a sandwich to eat on the train. It was ok, but unfortunately whoever those guys on at the grocery store were have no idea how to take orders. A little mustard turned into great slathers of mayo; no onions, just lettuce and tomato turned into a pound of onions and pickles to boot. They were also out of sourdough, which was a bummer.

I mad a budget for travel expenses assuming I go to San Francisco every weekend and for Halloween. That already is an over estimate because I'm hoping Scott will make it back here at least once. And then I took the maximum ticket price of 11 dollars, when usually it seems to be nine. That came out to 360. Then if I assume I will have to take cabs to and from the station to school that makes it 700. So somewhere between 360 and 700. That's also the range that my plane ticket home for X-mas will be, but I'm only paying for half. In fact, my dad mentioned he would try to get one with his frequent fliers which means I may not pay anything. That would rock.

I was listening to that Phoenix CD that I had wanted to the other day. I forgot how nostalgic it is. For some reason it makes me sorta sniffly, and then I was on my way back to school, too. Then I listened to Mates of State, which tends to have a similar effect. I'm really tempted to bust out Athlete's Tourist next time I go, but that is just guaranteed to find me sobbing on the train, which is too bad, because it's a great CD. Just, all of the songs are about missing someone or taking advantage of the time you have with someone etc : /

This coming Saturday I have one of those stupid tutor training sessions, so it messes up the weekend slightly. I'm kinda hoping the boy will be able to come out here. We'd have much more time together than we would if I arrived Saturday afternoon. We could hide out in my room and he could write some stuff while I was in that class. Just depends how the week goes, I guess.

As for the rest of the week, I have no idea. I'm a little nervous about my Federalism presentation, but I'll just do my best and try not to think about it. Then, I only did the computer paper over the weekend, so I need to get the GT politics paper out of the way, probably on Thursday, but maybe Wednesday, or even tomorrow.

I've decided to start going to the dining hall for breakfast more often. I think I will get some bread so I can pb (banana or jelly) sandwiches at home for lunch or dinner depending on which other meal sounds good.

Oh, and I'm supposed to see the iatrist on Tuesday, but I think I will call and tell them that I cancel and am not taking my pills anymore. No more pills!

I dunno why I'm so anxious lately. There's always this little background current of mild agitation about something or other.

Anyways, I'ma go do other stuff besides mope on here. I need to mope less.

ho hum di dum dum dummmmmm

Randy and I had not sushi for lunch instead of sushi. In fact, I had oyakodon. It was pretty good, but I ate too much.

Then we bummed around at his house for a while before I came home to do laundry and finish watching Fallen Angels.

The movie was better than I was expecting. I mean, I knew it would be good, but for some reason I was putting it off for so long. Lately I don't have the patience to sit and watch a DVD by myself. I think maybe I like better flomping on a couch than sitting at a computer. At least, it's a possibility.

I had more grapenuts. Today I had grapenuts, an apple turnover, coffee, oyakodon, and grapenuts. Maybe I will go out and get a banana for later. The boy said he is not feeling well and wouldn't like anything to eat.

Hopefully he will be home soon. I dunno what we'll do. Maybe he'll feel better in the morning. We could play video games, eat Indian food for dinner, and see that movie. Maybe get cocktails.

Gotta sleep in, though.

Blerf. Maybe I should've eaten something other than more cereal.

So, a list of dvds I'd like to eventually obtain:

Fallen Angels
the rest of Gundam Wing
the last disk of Niea_7
the last disk of Jubei-chan
Barefoot in the Park
the fourth season of Home Movies

Hmm. Well, that's a start anyhow. I could shop, but I need to keep money around for train tickets. More important than dvds.

I was thinking about working some more on FFVII, but it seems like a lot of work to plug in the PS2, find the game, remember what I'm supposed to be doing...

I shot some aliens for a couple minutes. Just now Marc called. He wanted to maybe hang out cuz he's depressed about stupid stupid Stockton. I am, too, but thankfully I'm not there right now.

I need to call Jisuk tomorrow and see if I can meet her to get my movies back...

Today was sort of stressful, but I feel ok now mostly. Just wish the boy didn't feel a yuck. Got my computer paper done, though. The bank and I made a mistake on my deposit this afternoon so they put extra money in my account. I need to call them tomorrow to make sure they catch it. My friend said if they are a good bank they will let me keep the money, but I highly doubt that.

My stomach doesn't feel perfect, but I think I worry about it too much. If I would just let it be maybe it would fix itself.

In order to break my 20 so I could get change for laundry, I bought a newspaper. Unfortunately, I didn't check the date before I purchased it. October 3rd. What good does that do me? @_@ I've been reading the NY Times all week...

gamez and donuts

The weekend life is a good one.

Of course, I am not mad at the world anymore, because it is the weekend. And, while there are any number of things the weekend could mean, for me, it generally means boy and gamez and probably a donut. Pancakes tomorrow. Something like that.

We have good habits.

I think we're going to go see The Science of Sleep, too. At least, I really want to.

We should.

Right now it's Friday. I'm having sushi with Randy and then writing a paper and screwing around until Scotty gets home from work.

Yadda yadda. *drinks coffee*

Man...

I'm in an uber foul mood right now. Just mad at the universe. I'ma go try to take it out on that Cave Story boss I've been working on in a second, but I thought I would make a short post detailing my computer exam experience.

Took about ten or fifteen minutes. Was lame. Easy. I didn't look at my notes. There were a couple questions that were either vague or we didn't cover. Whatever.

God, I'm mad. This is stupid.

Studying (ha)

So, ok, I know I said I wasn't going to ever need six pages of notes tomorrow on that test, and I don't, but I also said I could probably condense my notes into six pages if I WANTED to, right? WRONG. In fact, they already ARE six pages. Yes, my notes for the entire semester so far are on six pages. Why rewrite anything when it's all right there? SHEESH. This test is going to be so easy either way. I'm excited. I'll let you know if I totally underestimated it, but I'm feeling very confident (read: cocky bastard.)

I'm at work and totally bored. I'm gonna do some Japanese in a minute here, but I just felt like I needed a bit of break. Actually, what a riot. I don't need a break. All I've been doing all afternoon after lab is screwing around, reading comics, watching anime, pretending to study Japanese with Three.

I just felt the need to relay that startling discovery. Stupid six pages of notes. IT MAKES ME LAUGH.

Overly prolific

I know I am today, but it's not because I'm depressed! It's because I have time and I have things to relate.

Cheerios seriously save my life, I think. For some reason dinner did not have as great an effect as I would've hoped. For some reason my stomach seems very easy to disgruntle of late. I wanted to have ice cream when I got home, but I was too hungry to even think about ice cream. I kinda still want some, though. I think I will anyways.

Nerrrrg. I hope our Federalism project is coming together as well as we pretend it is. I always feel like we're being optimistic to each other, but are all secretly scared to death that we'll fail. I think that's just part of being the first group to present. I'm sure we'll do fine. I just need to find some notecards...

Yeah, definitely having some ice cream and playing Cave Story...

I just set up a fake PC

What is this thing? "Winterm V class Thin Clients, Model VX0"

Yay.

All it can do right now pretty much is Internet. I guess that's ok with me. Of course it's Internet Explorer Internet... Tried to get Firefox, but it ran to nowhere, apparently. I dunno why it didn't work.

This monitor is ginormous. The iMac monitor is bigger, though. I have NO idea why we need two computers at work. Absolutely none. I guess because we're so overstaffed that they don't want us to get bored? LOL

Anyways, I feel sort of useful, or something. Guess it's time now to do some more homework. I'm only half-done with work! O_o

I don't live here

Promise. I just have some time. No sweat.

I have this sinking feeling that my roommates think Scott and I didn't do our dishes this past weekend. I found them all in the sink. It may just be that they...used them all, but somehow I doubt it. I'm not really sure what to say. Yeah, they were clean. They had some nasty looking water spots (I'm talking scrape-offable white nasty), but that's because this apt's water is disgusting, not because we didn't wash the dishes. I really don't want them to think we just left the dishes, but on the other hand I don't want to make them feel stupid for making more work for themselves (because I certainly won't be washing them... They're in there with all the dirty stuff now...)

I'm eating leftovers for dinner. I WILL wash these dishes...

Noodle-o.

They're ok leftovers, I guess. No better than I expected, but ok. Food in general just seems to not be my friend lately. Except ice cream. That I enjoy.

Oh, I forgot to mention that we've been assigned another computer paper. I think that is really low considering he hasn't managed to give us back our first ones yet V_V I wonder if mine sucked as much as I think it did.

I need to 1up tonight after work. Got some gamez to discuss.

Another thing

I've decided to go off my meds (again) because I'm...stupid? I just started UP again. Why quit? I dunno. I'm just sick of the whole thing. I think that's why I quit last time. I'm kinda worried that this will just turn into a vicious cycle of me getting off them and becoming miserable and feeling like I need it but not wanting to need it so getting off of them. Hopefully not. It's pretty obvious that my latest spontaneous recovery from the depths of hellish evil mood plague had absolutely nothing to do with the Wellbutrin, sooooo screw it, I say. I was fine for the rest of the summer when I wasn't on my stuff. Of course, when I said that my iatrist said, "but yeah then you got miserable, what, about a month later? That's when it tends to hit..." which made me feel sorta...stupid. I dunno. I'm not going to buy any of it anymore. I'll just be fine or not fine on my own terms. I don't need stupid side-effects. If I have side-effects I just get upset about THEM and then I'm not happy anyways! Pointless! Not sure how I'll ramp down. I probably SHOULD, though. Today I took my last half-dose pill, so I guess maybe from now on I'll do a pill every other day for a week or something...blah.

Oh, and some (other?) good news: all my credits have come through; my overload, and my retros. So all is well. I will graduate early as long as I pass all these classes, which looks to be not so hard.

I even did my outline.

Ah, yeah.

Hmm. My computer is acting funny. Maybe it's because I downloaded the Japanese version of Cave Story and actually got it to show up in Japanese instead of squiggles. Ever since I reset the computer my clock and uh...whatever all those bars and things on the bottom right were are gone...

Also even though I closed the game the window is still there...

And this window...isn't.

It's sorta silly because I want to finish it in English first, anyways.

Oh yeah, and instead of doing my homework I've been putzing with that, reading the Internet, and commenting on LJs.

Wth.

There was fish and things for lunch. I ate some but did not enjoy it much. For dinner I will have the leftovers Saturday's breakfast. They should still be good, right? It's only Monday...I will nuke them. And put an egg on top. Damn, I should've stolen a piece of bread to toast with it... Nerg.

Computer test on Wed. Should be easy as hell.

Of course, now that I said that I'll probably fail. Yet I have this feeling that that's impossible because our prof is giving us SIX PAGES of notes. What the hell? What happened to the good ol' three by five? Six 8x11 PAGES. That's 3 on both sides. You know why it's six? He had envisioned three and someone ASKED if he meant both sides of the page... What are you going to PUT on six pages of notes? I could probably fit my entire collection of notes on six pages if I wrote small enough. How does this show we know ANYTHING?

I'm sorta happy because I actually DO (know something.) Not a lot, mind you, but I can answer his questions if everyone else is sitting there doing nothing.

I had breakfast in the dining hall today. The standard one. Filled me up quite a bit. I think my stomach got used to having cereal for breakfast again. Which is fine. The only thing is that I like the grapefruit and they only have that at ACTUALLY breakfast time. Anyhow, the only reason I brought that up was because I got to read The New York Times again. That's been my dining hall visiting perk lately.

LOOK AT ME NOT WRITING MY POLITICS OUTLINE!

Two Unrelated Music Memes

The Second:

Our story begins with (insert appropriate pronoun later): Full Forever (Goo Goo Dolls) living in: Rapture rapes the Muses (Of Montreal) who spends time: Take Time (Books) and longs for: Coisa Mais Linda (Joao Gilberto)In his troubled past, he: Blue Side (Rooney) and since then he has: La Goulante de Pauvre Jean (Edith Piaf)leaving him conflicted over: A PunchUp at a Wedding (Radiohead)On this fateful day, our hero: Hymne L'Amour (Edith Piaf)which causes this conflict or risks this loss: Sitting, Waiting, Wishing (Jack Johnson)He resolves to: O Barquinho (Joao Gilberto) and fail to: The Will Well II - From Fear Through the Eyes of Madness (Coheed & Cambria)intensifying their conflict by: Full Stop (Massey)Pressures build until: La Vie, L'Amour (Edith Piaf)At this crucial point, he chooses: Tear Drop City (The Monkees) And the story resolves.

Didn't turn out very well... The funny part is how many of these songs I've never listened to. Or maybe that's sad... "leaving him conflicted over" was actually good haha

The First:

Part A (She said the end of a song, so I put it...at the END of the SONG...)

1. "oh-oh ah in your pants" I'm not joking either. How could I make that up? (Kanojo no Mono...the artist's name doesn't come up cuz it must be in kana/kanji...)
2. "Bravo in your pants" Errr...I think that's what he said. Either that or maybe pravda? The whole rest of the song was "ooch yeh ooch ach" o_O God I listen to some weird stuff... (Explanation Mark by Books)
3. "tabun sou darou in your pants" - translation: "maybe that's right" or "maybe it's like that" (another kanjified one...)
4. "This is what you are; This is what you get in your pants." (Future Dreams - off of Best of Techno v2)
5. "Johnny, get outta here...in your pants." (Bubble Pop Electric - Gwen Stefani) I guess maybe you could take that as he wasn't wearing them at the time...or...*shrug*

Part B (The right way)

1. Broadcast - Pendulum in your pants
2. Alexander Paley - Klaviersonate b-moll (1905) - I. Andantino in your pants. [That sounds complicated.]
3. Coheed and Cambria - Crossing the frame in your pants
4. Carlos - Silmarilla in your pants [I hope that's not catching...]
5. Air - Sexy Boy in your pants [Thank you, thank you.]

Hmmm...

See, I think when I did it wrong it turned out pretty well, too. Either way has got its gems.

Whoa, kids.

Pee Wee's Playhouse on Adult Swim!

Yeah, it started in July...but when do I watch tv? ;p I think Scott may have mentioned it...earlier. Or someone did. I didn't really put two and two together that it would be online. SOOOOOOO great that I can watch Adult Swim without leaving the Internet hahaha :D

It reminds me of New York

That's what Jackie said when I told her that I had just watched Scott's cab drive away in the rain. I replied, "Yeah, and the 20s." Maybe not the 20s. Maybe the 30s or 40s. She was the only person I know that we ran into these weekend. Didn't see the roomies or even Nila, who we were supposed to meet for coffee. Sort of bizarre. Felt really empty. Maybe it ususally is. I'm not around here too often anymore on the weekends...

Yeah. It is really sad and dramalicious to watch a cab drive away in the rain. Even MORE sad and dramalicious is that after I walked a certain way I figured I would be able to see the intersection (or driveway...whatever) where they would turn to go down Pacific. And I could. And there they were still driving away in the rain.

This reminds of me of that one horrible time last year when we got soaked on the way to the Greyhound station. Totally soaked. Lots worse than this time. Just buckets. Sopping. Anyhow, we said a painful good-bye (when is it not?) and I slouched in there with my backpack and stuff, put on some drier pants in the bathroom, and got sad. The bus got there and it was dark and raining and I was miserable. I think I cried a lot. Partly cuz I was sad, partly the drama of it all, and partly cuz I was on a Greyhound., Stupid bus. The trains are a lot more conducive to non-misery. Much easier to endure in a misty-eyed mood.

Anyways, I think we had a pretty good weekend. Played lots of games, wandered around campus a bit, had some food... Sounds enthralling, doesn't it? It was, though. It was like the weekend was enchanted somehow. I was on campus, but I barely noticed. I didn't have roommates, and instead I had my favorite favorite boy. We got to cuddle on a real couch, and we even watched some late night television. When do EITHER of us do that?? Then this afternoon and linner (at like 3:30) it started to sprinkle and then to rain and then we were waiting huddled under Burns Tower for that inevitable cab to arrive. Train should leave in about seven minutes *sigh*

I'm gonna drink some more orange juice and play Cave Story...