CRISIS

Ok, I've been despairing about Japanese (again).

And look at this, Amity is recruiting soon again. Yes, that Amity. I'm tempted to see if they still have my info. Maybe I should fuck off to Japan before it's too late.

But I still want a career. I don't want to leave for a 2 or 3 years, come back, and find that I really have thrown it all away. That would be tragic. I dunno what to do.

How can one goal be better than the other? Why can't you have two lifetime goals? It's not like I want to be a god-- I just want to be a "games journalist" fluent in Japanese. Is that REALLY too much to hope for?

It's been almost a year since I called off my interview. It feels like ten. But no it doesn't. I was thinking that I am almost 23. Even after I have my birthday it will be seven years until I am 30. SEVEN YEARS! And even that isn't old. I wonder how long I will live.

Maybe I really do need to go to Japan. What I said to Oleya is that I would apply if I didn't hear back from the hinge by mid-April (the application date is the 28th), but maybe that is wrong. Maybe I should e-mail them now and ask if I could have an interview this year. And then go to the interview, kick ass, get a job, and go away.

But how am I supposed to walk away from what I have?

What do I have?

Not an apt.
Not a boyfriend.
Not a steady income.

I'd have two of three if I went to Japan. Plus, you know, I'd be in Japan. I could get them here, too, though, and have videogame writing. I could report while in Japan, too, though, maybe. I could take personal days during TGS and write pro-bono stories while in exile.

But I wouldn't be in exile, I'd be helping kids learn English. That is a fun thing to do. I've done it before.

...

I know this is just caffeine fueled stupidity, but...I just want to learn Japanese. I want to be fluent, so I can be awesome at my game journalist job. That much is constant. How do I do it? How? How? How?