CRISIS

Ok, I've been despairing about Japanese (again).

And look at this, Amity is recruiting soon again. Yes, that Amity. I'm tempted to see if they still have my info. Maybe I should fuck off to Japan before it's too late.

But I still want a career. I don't want to leave for a 2 or 3 years, come back, and find that I really have thrown it all away. That would be tragic. I dunno what to do.

How can one goal be better than the other? Why can't you have two lifetime goals? It's not like I want to be a god-- I just want to be a "games journalist" fluent in Japanese. Is that REALLY too much to hope for?

It's been almost a year since I called off my interview. It feels like ten. But no it doesn't. I was thinking that I am almost 23. Even after I have my birthday it will be seven years until I am 30. SEVEN YEARS! And even that isn't old. I wonder how long I will live.

Maybe I really do need to go to Japan. What I said to Oleya is that I would apply if I didn't hear back from the hinge by mid-April (the application date is the 28th), but maybe that is wrong. Maybe I should e-mail them now and ask if I could have an interview this year. And then go to the interview, kick ass, get a job, and go away.

But how am I supposed to walk away from what I have?

What do I have?

Not an apt.
Not a boyfriend.
Not a steady income.

I'd have two of three if I went to Japan. Plus, you know, I'd be in Japan. I could get them here, too, though, and have videogame writing. I could report while in Japan, too, though, maybe. I could take personal days during TGS and write pro-bono stories while in exile.

But I wouldn't be in exile, I'd be helping kids learn English. That is a fun thing to do. I've done it before.

...

I know this is just caffeine fueled stupidity, but...I just want to learn Japanese. I want to be fluent, so I can be awesome at my game journalist job. That much is constant. How do I do it? How? How? How?

Amity

I was browsing 3yen today and found AEON, which is an English school corporation. They also have a program specifically for kids called Amity. To tell the truth, this looks pretty wicked cool. Possibly even better than JET. I'm so glad I found this program. If I decide to go teach, I will probably apply there.

Canned Soup: A Disparaging Rant + A Theater Outing + Jobs

I bought a bunch while it was on sale thinking it would be good for nights when I get home from work and want something with vegetables.

Then I did it again.

Not sure why! I don't really like soup all that much. Chicken soup is good for when your sick, maybe, but other than that...

I think all the pea soup variety is doing is putting me off pea soup so when I get the opportunity again to eat REAL, TASTY pea soup that my mom makes I won't be as excited.

That and giving me a stomach ache for some reason.

That just makes two of us feeling rather ill for no reason (the boy has a headache.) We just returned from Emperor Norton, The Musical, which was just a short walk from home in a tiny little basement theater. The Imperial Council was in attendance, as the closing performance was a benefit for them. Anyhow, good fun. I found myself feeling that many of the songs were a bit down tempo, but there were some perkier ones as well. I can't decide whether the dogs or the club host were more show-stealing. They both had their moments. The guy who played the Emperor himself seemed pretty much right on. I mean, he had the crazy failed businessman thing going for him. I'm sort of wondering about the portrayal of Mark Twain, whether it was in any way accurate. I don't know much about him, although there's a recent biography of him that I'd like to take a look at.

Hum.

As for the rest of the evening, *shrug* I wish it weren't Monday tomorrow. Or at least, I wish I had a different job to go to. Getting real sick of the store again, between rude customers and co-worker friction, I'm just not feeling very good about it. That's not to say there aren't SOME cool things, like the book club. I'm almost a third of the way through The Odyssey. I think we're moving too fast. At this rate we'll be done with it before we have a chance to discuss even the first couple chapters. I'd like to say it's ok to get off to a rough start, but hopefully the start is all I'll be around for. It'd be nice to have a new gig by the time we finish this book...

Speaking of which, I finally ended up applying at the Academy of Art. The salary is much better than the one I get currently and they offer the opportunity to take an undergrad art course for free :D Amy was always recommending that I join her ranks, so hopefully now I will (part-time administrative assistant Emily, whoooooo.) Either that or maybe at the end of next month I will impress AMITY during the interview process and they will hire me to teach English in Japan, so I'll whisk myself (and the boy) away never to be heard from again, until we move to Alaska, that is.

TGIF, I guess (aka depressive bullshit)

Ugh. Here I sit eating Easter candy, lamenting another afternoon soon to go sour at the part-time job. I applied for a new one. I also started sending around for letters of recommendation for that interview with AMITY, if I mentioned that. I have one. I'm pretending maybe I'll go to Japan. Actually, I'm not even doing that. I'm just sort of applying and assuming that I'm not going even if I get it.

I'm not in a very good mood.

1) I've been doing a bad job of picking food lately.

I shouldn't even talk about that, though. It's so obscenely mundane.

Last night I was out at a game thing by myself. Well, not really by myself, but without the boy. So, more or less by myself. Covered a couple things. Had half a drink and some random party food.

Uhhhhhmmmm, wow, blogging just is no good today. I had no luck in my HEY, GAMES! initiative today, either. Ended up deleting several hours worth of copy-paste work (from my 1UP blog.)

It IS Friday, which means that yes, the weeks are still hurtling past us in this most unfamiliar fashion, and also that I get two days off during which I will probably be stuck in a dictionary with import games, which sadly, doesn't even sound fun.

OKAY, time to get psyched up about SOMEthing. Just pick something, anything. SOMEthing has to be too freaking awesome to be wrecked by whatever evil my mind has stewing for me today. Uhhhhhh, the 1UP anime club has been moved to Tuesdays. Of course, that won't be REALLY awesome until next week, which means it can't really be ruined by today. I'm not sure if that one fact will keep me going through grocery land all afternoon, though.

*grumble mumble growl sigh* mrrf

2) Save me from the grocery store.

I should stop, really. Stop writing, and go FORCE myself to do something else. Anything. Like play some stupid game or something. Read a fucking book. I don't know. Flaming hell.

Breakfast and other news

Koji's dad arrived today. We ended up putting off breakfast until he got here because Koji was having a spat with a wasp in his bedroom. Like really freaking out about it, so it took extra time to get out the door.

We ate at possibly one of the slowest diners in the world. I guess because it's really the only one out here, but holy cow. So busy and I swear there must've been like one guy in the back making all the food. I had buckwheat pancakes with an egg and bacon. At least the food was delicious when it finally showed up.

The "other news" is that I just submitted my application to teach for Amity...again. This is the same place I applied last year, but if I get an interview this time I will really do it and hopefully be accepted. I guess the part of the first part is right, as usual, and I'm starting to feel better about the idea. And, you know, all that have adventures while you're young bs. I guess there's no better time for it.

No better time than right now! In the meantime, I'm havnig adventures in the new Pokemon Mystery Dungeon game...for work ;D Luckily I'm in a streak of good games, so despite all the crazy stress that looking for a house caused, I'm doing ok. What's nice is that I don't have to worry about anything, jobs or whatever, until I find out about Japan. Of course, now that I've commited myself to the idea of going to Japan, watch as someone finally offers me a job or I just don't get accepted or something stupid like that, heh. YOU KNOW IT WILL HAPPEN.

Hmm

The story is pretty much the same as usual. Yesterday I managed to get LOTRO working, so I'm doing that all day today, probably, with short breaks. We're having Chinese food with Marc tonight, which is good, since I haven't seen him in quite a while.

Other than that I'm feeling a little weird because I finally e-mailed AMITY and told them I wouldn't be attending the interview this Saturday. I guess it's weird because it's what I always thought I would do, what I was really excited about doing, etc, etc. But now I just have other stuff I want to do. Rather than leading a Japan life teaching English, I will live a San Francisco life writing about video games. Either one is great, but this one is here and rockin' already, getting better, even.

Anyways, *shrug*

Hesfrid on Brandywine if anyone is playing LOTRO.

I can't thiiiiiiiiink...

Man, good thing I only had one class today, cuz I have no BRAIN. GAH...stupid music everywhere. I can't stand it. There has to be shit going on all the fucking time. Not only in my room, but out the window, upstairs, you can't avoid all this noise that's just constant. I mean, I suppose I should just ask my roommates to turn down the stereo. I dunno why we needed a stereo anyways. "Good for parties," GREAT. Fucking great. It's a bummer, because they're not BAD roommates. I just don't want roommates. I helped in the most minute possible way to make banana bread cuz we had a whole bunch of mushy bananas, but the whole time I was doing it I would've rather been in my room trying to find DATED ORDERED clips of The Colbert Report, which is fucking difficult.

I am SO just hating the world lately. Even when I'm feeling ok, I'm still very irritable and I just can't handle all the bullshit. I have the rest of this "hardware basics" chapter and then a couple sections of astronomy to read. That is me SCALING back on what I had intended to accomplish this afternoon cuz I could tell I was just going to end up fucking around or being too cold or noise bombarded to think or get so damned sleepy for no reason.

*ate a peach*

Man, I think it's getting serious. I'm gonna go to the library till I get this shit done. Might as well take those books back, too *sigh* Anyways, I can write them down and read them later, like after stupid school is over.

On a happy note, I found out that Amity and most of the eikaiwa companies provide health benefits. That's important because I need them after I graduate. The problem is...I don't really want to go right away. Theoretically, I could wait a couple YEARS, but...I don't really want to do that either. I just...BLAH... I mean, what if I really like it and end up want to start looking for "real" job? I soooooooo didn't think I'd be in love with the best boy ever at this point.

I shouldn't even be worrying about that yet.

Fucking textbooks.