Well, we'll see how that goes...

Doesn't do any good to worry about it all weekend. And there are so many OTHER things to worry about, like the disappearance of any foreign language talent I may have possessed! I'm pretty much at wit's end here. I think I just have to force myself to study. If you want to learn Japanese, you study. That's all there is to it, I guess. I mean, alternatively you could plunk yourself down in Japan and muddle through it, but you'd still have to study. STUDYING. It's just boring alone, and it's intimidating with a native, and it takes time that I haven't had much of recently, but that is the most bullshit excuse.

I guess I just have to figure out what I really want. I found a job on craigslist today to proofread Japanese/Chinese-->English translations. 2-10 pm at least 20 hours a week, something like that. Doesn't sound fun, or interesting, or even instructive. I'm sure that must be how you get into the translation industry, though. I don't even care anymore. I think I'd rather write, get better at writing, someday hopefully rock at writing. Dunno what I'm suited for anymore, really.

Not satisfied with the review I wrote. Never am, but since it's my first one I think I made it a little too previewy/explainy. We'll have to see what the editor says. It's hard to balance explaining the game and critiquing the game. You have to explain it to critique it. I don't feel very competent at especially the latter, right now.

Yes, yes, it looks like emo time has come to The Syntactic Forest once more. What do we do about this state? What is life supposed to mean? When people smarter than me are lost in it, then I don't really feel like I stand a chance. Kind of like writing.

When I was a kid I thought I would be published by 18. That was my goal. I was going to write some fucking novel and be like those other kids who write books, not that I wanted to be like them, but the comparison would've been inevitable because I would rock. Instead I wrote a lot of crap that never got finished because it didn't have a plot and then pretty much...did other stuff. Like crappy schoolwork and later crappy college stuff. I cannot emphasize how much of a waste college was. I feel like I deserve a do-over, "but there are no do-overs in life." How stupid, this whole thing. (That said, we all know I don't REALLY want a do-over. It would fuck up the whole REST of my life, which, honestly, I guess if I had the choice I'd rather keep the fucked up half the half that it is, because the good half right now is really good.)

Really, though, if I don't learn Japanese it's my own fucking fault. If you want to make time, you just make time. Obviously there are some things right now that I'm considering more important than studying, such as...everything, apparently.

(Side note: I'm giving up on my vocab blog. I'm sick of pretending I'm going to post there regularly.)

If I want to play and write about video games, then I can do that. I mean, obviously, I can do that. I'm doing it right now, almost as we speak. In fact, by the time you read this, I probably will be. There's nothing wrong with it. I don't have some ultimate fucking destiny to do eikaiwa or translation, or anything else. I just expect myself to follow through with ideas I have, sometimes, even after things have clearly gone in other directions and that's stupid.

Sometimes I feel like maybe Japanese is one of those things that I don't need to follow through on. I mean, I certainly don't NEED to, I don't have to. It's not required, but it's a perk for the job, and it SHOULD be fun. It should be fun to learn a language. In high school I was having fun with it.

Anyways, I need a plan, but I don't want to be some sort of time management nazi. Drawing little boxes for your life is stupid. I know I'm the sort of person who likes to have a framework and times for things and I like being on time, yadda, but I also think that's pretty lame, to have everything scheduled. I guess that's why I haven't started saying, "Ok, wake up at 8, Japanese till 10, then check e-mail/fuck off for an hour, read history for an hour, lunch, flskdjflsdkfj" Maybe I should just do that. Or maybe I should just be intelligent enough to do those things without drawing it up on a piece of paper stuck to the fridge. You know? YOU KNOW?

I just want to accomplish things. I want to learn Japanese. Obviously it's important to me or I wouldn't be having this whole pathetic rant. If it were an outdated goal, I wouldn't find it so hard to just drop it. I would be able to eventually work my way around to realizing that I honestly didn't care. I do care! GOD.

I wish I had someone to care with. Just one person, or two. Would make it so much better. I don't want to join a huge social group. I want a serious study session. Can't seem to find it. Oh well. Screw this, I should start enjoying my weekend before it's over and I have to go back to work.

PS - I should quit work.