the fate of my intelligence

WORRYING to say the least.

I feel stupid today.

Real stupid.

I mean really...I haven't felt this just totally dumb in a really really really...long...

no probably never.

I have probably never felt so completely hopeless in my life...

I spent the better part of two hours reading a magazine today. I didn't get too much out of it.

I don't know enough history or econ or polisci.

(Do I know ANY econ or polisci?)

And then I was thinking...college is going to end eventually. Like...in three years.

Soooooo

I really don't have time to study everything. I'm going to be doing what I'm doing now basically and then leaving. So all this wishful dreamy econ, polisci, history, philosophy, stuff is just going to kind of die.

I am so stupid!

I can't write papers!

I can't even read anymore...

Lately I honestly feel like I can't read. I forget what the sentence is talking about halfway through.

This seriously makes me want to kill myself.

Except I'm not suicidal.

We are lucky there.

What if I'm really just stupid? And all the people keep telling me I'm smart? I mean that would be a really great way to fuck with someone right? Take some total idiot and coach them into believing they are hot shit?

(hmmm that was so a reality tv show...)

but no really...sometimes I just feel way to stupid to be smart OR intelligent.

I guess in the end I'm just going to have to do Japanese, probably a double in film studies, and my French minor. Or a film studies minor and throw in some of those pesky classes like econ and polisci.

The problem is tho I dunno if a survey intro whatever course will satisfy me. I need to know ENOUGH. I'm curious about everything...

lately tho i just feel too dumb. trying to remember what the paragraph is talking about.

like it's really sad. i read a page and can't even really explain what it's about.

that's like someone asked me what one of my favorite books is about...and i totally couldn't even explain it to them...

like not even the plot

you'd wonder if i'd read it

and i dont' remember character names, much less what they said or what kind of person they were

i think i haven't been this depressed since france

since

a really really shitty day in france

i dunno which day it was

but one of those really shitty ones where it wouldn't matter if i threw myself off a cliff

cuz i dont' want to be stupid

i want to be cut out for something

something cool

and be intelligent

and elaborate on things...

i want to know tons of stuff about everything

like

ok it's pretty obvious that i'm a geek

but i'm not even a geek who knows a ridiculous amount of pointless information

i'm a STUPID geek!!!!

how painful

well the library is gonna close soon so this pathetic rant will end here

but GOD

depressing

that's all i have to say