Lately it seems like I'm super preoccupied with this notion that I must ACQUIRE KNOWLEDGE, as quickly as possible because I've FALLEN BEHIND. I need to go BACK TO BASICS and recover things, but also THINK CRITICALLY, something I'm always convinced I never learned how to do.
I've been trying to figure out what it's all for, though. Like, if I read some popular science writing and hear some interesting factoids that is great — even if I don't remember it, it's great — but if I stack up enough of this do I get something? Do I actually get "smarter"? Does it matter? How about literature? Is reading books enough? How "close" should I read them? Should I study literature? I bet the more of those things I do the more "intelligent" I get. But what does THAT get me?
I guess one thing it gets me is another type of particle to add the busyness haze polluting my life (or is the haze the life? That is never clear. Well, it's haze, how can we expect it to be...) Conveniently, if I am busy, i.e. if I procrastinate by reading and studying and learning when I'm not working, I can put things like being a responsible adult on the back-burner. Clean my bathroom? Sure, I did that once this year. Cook? I fry my own eggs most of the time, thank you very much. A mention of the post office or the bank may inspire acute anxiety and guilt#, but at least I can take notes on this essay and refer to them later, and pretend that it somehow applies to something that will get me somewhere.
I keep trying to think of that, too. I guess in some way I'm on some kind of husband + baby trajectory but it's taken this insane arc and I can't tell what point I'm at along it. It could actually be the case that I've fallen off and I can't decide if that should be worrisome. It seems like it should because I ostensibly want to do that family kind of thing, but then I wonder how that fits in with workahol and this study bent. Or maybe it's just a way to run away from all that (a theory which I've heard someone has put forth in book form, but I don't know who or in what book), but you can't run away from the family thing, and again, what does that get you?
I guess I have some existential angst lately.
It seems to be because...things are going well, but I seem to want something from someone although I can't tell what it is. Like is it really the family thing? Do I just need to march up to someone and be like, 'Hey, let's get married and do that baby thing." I don't really think that would solve anything. To echo: "Does it matter? Where does THAT get me?"
At that point, it's like, why am I trying so hard at any of this? I seem to get happy now and then. It does seem related to satisfying work and satisfying study and the appreciation of art and good company etc. But it never seems so CAUGHT UP IN IT like I am all the time. The happiness I felt this morning came on without warning and lasted for a while and then dissolved into random anxieties## I was actually working at the time. Things were proceeding smoothly (it's similar to when I say "やった" to my partner on Skype out of genuine enthusiasm for successful problem solving) and so that must have made me happy? It seemed more than that, and also more random. Fluffier, somehow, and indistinct. Sunny, wanting to share so badly. The truest happiness makes me feel alone###
Oh that's another thing, though. Maybe getting "smart" is, in addition to distracting me from the perils of society (like the bank), it's making being alone ok, because hey, at least I'm "smart." It's somehow noble to be alone and smart. Maybe you'll write a really interesting, original, introspective blog post or something. (*cough* not)
I've been writing some blog posts actually, but just not posting them#### There are all these discussions I want to have, but I don't know who with, or when I imagine I have time to, or whether they would really transpire as I intend, or if it's even fair to intend a conversation to transpire a certain way, although...to be honest, they aren't that well thought out and I'm just kind of getting caught up writing this sentence. I guess I just feel like people must be thinking things out there and I would like to hear about them. "ACQUIRE KNOWLEDGE," says my head, after all. "There must be someone who can lead you to it. And you'll drink of course, without being made to. Whether you'll stay hydrated or not is another matter entirely, but..."
I have to move next year and I keep toying with the idea of some kind of shared living space, like having roommates only with more direction and intention, but that seems almost as intense as having a family, and about as lacking in privacy, too, so why not just hold out for the romance? ("Which is NOT to say that...I hold out," she pants, chasing steadily after the current and always hopefully last favorite.)
"But yes, while you're waiting, definitely acquire some knowledge."
#I'm on it, I really am.
##some anxiety regarding BEING ON TIME and EATING LIKE A WILD ANIMAL on the side of the road because I was IN A HURRY. Then I had to present myself as thoughtful, but I presented myself as so thoughtful that I said nothing the entire time even though I was surrounded by people who might have ended up great friends (seeing as we were all in a museum of literature to look at old manuscripts).
###Which always seems to link back to the family thing.
####For better or worse, I'm actually posting this one.