From the 5th until today I was in Paris on an important business trip. In the airplane it turned out I couldn't sleep very well, so I watched four movies.
On the way:
Annie Hall
For some reason I didn't realize they had any new movies I wanted to see. I guess I was sort of tired when I was glancing through them or something. Or just didn't care that much. Anyways, Air France has this handy back catalogue of interesting flicks, so I jumped on the chance to watch Annie Hall for the first time since...at least college, if not high school. Really, I may not have seen it since high school, which means all of my "real" dating experience (as an adult) came after. Maybe that's why this time I recognized almost every character for a horrible person I wouldn't want to spend time with, lolsob. I also got more of the references. I appreciated the fourth wall busting more, but I especially appreciated the message at the end more. In high school I was like, "Oh, yes, of course." But now it's like, "Hell yeah, we are friggin' lonely people and it really is so tragic to be lonely that we get into these awkward relationships and try to make things go or think we are" etc. etc. Speaking as a chick with an egg dearth, yeah.
On the way back:
The Grand Budapest Hotel
I read a couple lukewarm reviews and thoughts of friends who like Wes Anderson generally and were kind of "meh" or "it's formulaic" and I can totally see that, but I also feel like...well, that is why I go to a Wes Anderson movie. If it's one trick, it's a good trick. If you have a favorite ice cream shop some flavors are better than others, but they are all ice cream flavors? Maybe that is a stretch. Anyhow, Tony Revolori as Zero was great. He fit right in with the regulars, too. I hope he shows up again.
Frozen
(When I looked over I realized out of four people in our row, me and two others were watching this, lol. SO POPULAR.)
I wrote about the Japanese translation of the title song without having seen the movie. I haven't seen a Walt Disney Animation Studios film since Treasure Planet in 2002, I realized. That is weird. I was even looking forward to Winnie the Pooh. Ho well, anyways. I liked this pretty well. The musical style soundtrack worked really well. I had to get used to the animation at first — not used to faces that express like that, haha, but I liked the story okay. Good messages of not bottling up your troubles, sticking to your family, not rushing in...etc. Olaf is such a dork but his song had me in tears I was cracking up so hard.
The Jungle Book
They literally just do not make them like this anymore. That's all you can say. It was really interesting to see this for the first time since I was a little kid. So much of this movie bored me back then; I liked the scenes with Baloo and Louis, but the elephants and the vultures were basically snack time or bathroom break. Also I dunno what I thought back in elementary school, but now hearing these voices from the '67 I instantly feel, "Yeah, sounds like The Day." Not only do people not animate that way much anymore, they don't really talk that way anymore either.
So yeah, pretty good mix of flicks. Kind of wish I could have just slept better on the way back instead, but ya know.
Tuesday, July 08, 2014
Tuesday, June 03, 2014
Hilariously specific, ridiculous dream (4:00 a.m.)
I'm laughing so hard (in my mind because I should have an hour and a half to sleep still but for some reason I'm awake) at this dream because it's the kind of thing that could totally happen until halfway through when it goes completely surreal.
So I was on assignment with my [dream] Japanese boss to a FamilyMart to eat a new addition to the "Ore no" food line (something like a huge chocolate croissant) and a new coffee brand. He was going to be writing up the piece [I guess we worked for some kind of outlet] but I'm guessing the idea behind the column was really to see how different a Japanese guy and a foreign girl's perspectives would be on various food items. This was our first time out, though. I was sort of nervous. Also, for some reason we were sitting eating on the floor behind the candy isle, hahaha. That made me even more nervous, I think. (Sometimes FamilyMarts have chairs, even, so I don't know…) Then he's about halfway through eating his half of the croissant thing (he thought it was great, I was wondering how it could even be called a croissant) when he suddenly gets on the phone? To call the manager of the store? With this mischievous look on his face.
And yeah, this when the entire things turns into an anime episode. He calls them (even though the store cannot possibly be big enough to warrant it) and starts with this kind of long lead in that makes me think he's trying to use the fact that he's writing a column as a way to get free coffee. So then I'm not nervous, I'm mortified, but it turns out that's not why he was calling. He said we would "search the store" (what?) and then that we were hoping to meet with an employee after that, to talk as the three of us. He said he was calling from a TV spot (which, JUST like in manga or anime had name that was a pun on a real TV spot, hahaha) and that we would be FILMING and he winked at me. Before the pleading "What? Noooo" look on my face has even formed, he's like, "Yeah, Emily, you're an up-and-coming gaijin tarento now! Congrats." I shit you not, the words "gaijin tarento" descended out of the ceiling as a flickering colored lightbulb sign. The horror! He was suddenly standing up on a ladder (I guess maybe he had to push a button in the ceiling to get that sign out? Bizarrely practical for something that is basically like the captions in Kill La Kill) clapping and in my head I hear the onomatopoeia "pachi pachi pachi pachi" till I wake up and think lololololol till I realize it's 4:00 a.m.
So I was on assignment with my [dream] Japanese boss to a FamilyMart to eat a new addition to the "Ore no" food line (something like a huge chocolate croissant) and a new coffee brand. He was going to be writing up the piece [I guess we worked for some kind of outlet] but I'm guessing the idea behind the column was really to see how different a Japanese guy and a foreign girl's perspectives would be on various food items. This was our first time out, though. I was sort of nervous. Also, for some reason we were sitting eating on the floor behind the candy isle, hahaha. That made me even more nervous, I think. (Sometimes FamilyMarts have chairs, even, so I don't know…) Then he's about halfway through eating his half of the croissant thing (he thought it was great, I was wondering how it could even be called a croissant) when he suddenly gets on the phone? To call the manager of the store? With this mischievous look on his face.
And yeah, this when the entire things turns into an anime episode. He calls them (even though the store cannot possibly be big enough to warrant it) and starts with this kind of long lead in that makes me think he's trying to use the fact that he's writing a column as a way to get free coffee. So then I'm not nervous, I'm mortified, but it turns out that's not why he was calling. He said we would "search the store" (what?) and then that we were hoping to meet with an employee after that, to talk as the three of us. He said he was calling from a TV spot (which, JUST like in manga or anime had name that was a pun on a real TV spot, hahaha) and that we would be FILMING and he winked at me. Before the pleading "What? Noooo" look on my face has even formed, he's like, "Yeah, Emily, you're an up-and-coming gaijin tarento now! Congrats." I shit you not, the words "gaijin tarento" descended out of the ceiling as a flickering colored lightbulb sign. The horror! He was suddenly standing up on a ladder (I guess maybe he had to push a button in the ceiling to get that sign out? Bizarrely practical for something that is basically like the captions in Kill La Kill) clapping and in my head I hear the onomatopoeia "pachi pachi pachi pachi" till I wake up and think lololololol till I realize it's 4:00 a.m.
Saturday, May 10, 2014
Logic is so relaxing
Recently I had occasion to recall the logic class I took over winter break during my sophomore year of college. I loooooooved it. Really loved it. I loved it so much I regretted taking it over winter break, because the winter break version didn't go into as much depth as the normal semester version did.
I recalled it again today while reading a basic book on philosophy. I guess I've read simple versions of arguments for and refuting God's existence, but to see them all lined up in a row like this is somehow really calming. Just the feeling of, "I see what you mean," where I genuinely really do see exactly what you mean because of the logic flowing your your argument, is so incredibly beautiful to me. It's really powerful and I wish I could have thought that far on how I responded to logic (fireworks in my brain; I will never forgot taking that exam) back when I was taking the class in 2004/5…ten years ago.
You see, rather than despairing, I'm going to just keep marching straight into the future. Everything will be fine and then I'll die.
There's something I forgot to mention about Korean the other day. Phonics. Alphabets. Oh. My. God. Spelling is so difficult! I had mostly forgotten. Kanji is a blessing and a curse, but in this case it's a blessing. You don't even have to know how to pronounce it to know the meaning half of the time. You can often guess. A word written in an alphabet, it has no meaning until it's sounded out, right? I wonder if there are people who have written on this topic; there must be. Alphabets just feel crazy to me now. I fully appreciate the utility of displaying characters for sounds — you need so many fewer than for meanings; it's so much more manageable, but to actually try to sound out words on a page in a new language after dealing with kanji for so long is a real trip. Another reason I'm happy to be embarking on this Korean thing, even if I'm to keep it on the casual side.
I've gotten the study bug again. Of course, the ever-present idea of grad school shimmering in the upper right-hand corner of my brain, but also this weird pseudo-academic existence I try to build for myself mostly unsuccessful and alone. Been trying to think if there are places in town I can attend some lectures or something. Of course, I will check out schools, but I know there are one-off talks. I should just go check some out. Hearing people talk is such an interesting, though. Should never forget it. I guess in the era of TED talks on the Internet plenty of people are appreciating it all the time. I want to discuss more, too, though…
By the way, this neighborhood has been great for me. I'm so happy I moved here. The cafe I've been hanging out at lately continues to be a wonderful place and I'm meeting some more people bit by bit every time I go. I just have to try to remember their names...
I recalled it again today while reading a basic book on philosophy. I guess I've read simple versions of arguments for and refuting God's existence, but to see them all lined up in a row like this is somehow really calming. Just the feeling of, "I see what you mean," where I genuinely really do see exactly what you mean because of the logic flowing your your argument, is so incredibly beautiful to me. It's really powerful and I wish I could have thought that far on how I responded to logic (fireworks in my brain; I will never forgot taking that exam) back when I was taking the class in 2004/5…ten years ago.
You see, rather than despairing, I'm going to just keep marching straight into the future. Everything will be fine and then I'll die.
There's something I forgot to mention about Korean the other day. Phonics. Alphabets. Oh. My. God. Spelling is so difficult! I had mostly forgotten. Kanji is a blessing and a curse, but in this case it's a blessing. You don't even have to know how to pronounce it to know the meaning half of the time. You can often guess. A word written in an alphabet, it has no meaning until it's sounded out, right? I wonder if there are people who have written on this topic; there must be. Alphabets just feel crazy to me now. I fully appreciate the utility of displaying characters for sounds — you need so many fewer than for meanings; it's so much more manageable, but to actually try to sound out words on a page in a new language after dealing with kanji for so long is a real trip. Another reason I'm happy to be embarking on this Korean thing, even if I'm to keep it on the casual side.
I've gotten the study bug again. Of course, the ever-present idea of grad school shimmering in the upper right-hand corner of my brain, but also this weird pseudo-academic existence I try to build for myself mostly unsuccessful and alone. Been trying to think if there are places in town I can attend some lectures or something. Of course, I will check out schools, but I know there are one-off talks. I should just go check some out. Hearing people talk is such an interesting, though. Should never forget it. I guess in the era of TED talks on the Internet plenty of people are appreciating it all the time. I want to discuss more, too, though…
By the way, this neighborhood has been great for me. I'm so happy I moved here. The cafe I've been hanging out at lately continues to be a wonderful place and I'm meeting some more people bit by bit every time I go. I just have to try to remember their names...
Tuesday, May 06, 2014
Korean Day 11?
In a few minutes I'm leaving to meet a Japanese coach. Part of the reason I say "coach" and not "tutor" is that I honestly dunno what we'll do together. She may end up being more support than actually teaching me stuff, but who knows. As long as I pass the N1 by the time I'm 30, I guess it doesn't matter.
As for Korean, I did end up picking up the first できる韓国語 book. If we use them in class, great, if not, it'll be an excellent supplement, and since I gave up on KoreanClass101 due to their questionable security practices (sending me plain text password in a sales email), I was hoping to find one.
Observations about Korean so far:
LOTS of cognates (can you call them cognates?) with Japanese, I guess due to Chinese. Honestly, I find this makes it harder. It's like katakana in Japanese. "But I know this word in English!" No, you still have to pronounce in Japanese. So no matter how much 여유 sounds like 余裕, say it in Korean or perish.
The times 오 sounds like 우 remind me of the issues of pronouncing Portuguese o when you're used to Spanish. Dunno if anyone else has had that experience. I don't think it's actually the same issue or not, but whenever I heard see 오 and hear 우 I'm not sure how to feel.
Been mostly learning Hangul so far, so my vocab is still almost zero. Trying to distinguish between certain kinds of sounds is extremely difficult. You think you understand the pattern (maybe ch becomes j when [x]?) but then you just don't hear that, no matter how much you want to. You start to wonder if Korean people themselves, or at least the ones doing the listening exercise recordings, don't distinguish as much as they think they do lol, but that's just slightly ridiculous. Anyways, maybe once classes start I'll get a better feel for it. Dunno when that will be, though…
I started listening to this podcast called まったり韓国語 and I am doing it in true まったり fashion, by not actually studying along with it at all. Basically I'm using it as Japanese listening practice while just letting whatever random knowledge about Korea and the language filter into my head as it manages to. The lady who lives in Seoul explains stuff about the city and Korean culture. For instance, the other day I learned about Black Day. That is totally useful and easy to remember. If I even get a few factoids out of it, then why not listen? Is basically how I feel.
Now and then I also just listen to Korean news podcasts, understanding nothing. It's pretty relaxing to understand nothing. Maybe "Hello" and that's it. Like a good reminder to just take it easy. When I listen to Japanese news, I'm always trying to understand, but when you have absolutely no chance, you can just let it flow through your brain and chill out.
Except…I gotta run to my Japanese lesson now, lol. Not so chill after all.
As for Korean, I did end up picking up the first できる韓国語 book. If we use them in class, great, if not, it'll be an excellent supplement, and since I gave up on KoreanClass101 due to their questionable security practices (sending me plain text password in a sales email), I was hoping to find one.
Observations about Korean so far:
LOTS of cognates (can you call them cognates?) with Japanese, I guess due to Chinese. Honestly, I find this makes it harder. It's like katakana in Japanese. "But I know this word in English!" No, you still have to pronounce in Japanese. So no matter how much 여유 sounds like 余裕, say it in Korean or perish.
The times 오 sounds like 우 remind me of the issues of pronouncing Portuguese o when you're used to Spanish. Dunno if anyone else has had that experience. I don't think it's actually the same issue or not, but whenever I heard see 오 and hear 우 I'm not sure how to feel.
Been mostly learning Hangul so far, so my vocab is still almost zero. Trying to distinguish between certain kinds of sounds is extremely difficult. You think you understand the pattern (maybe ch becomes j when [x]?) but then you just don't hear that, no matter how much you want to. You start to wonder if Korean people themselves, or at least the ones doing the listening exercise recordings, don't distinguish as much as they think they do lol, but that's just slightly ridiculous. Anyways, maybe once classes start I'll get a better feel for it. Dunno when that will be, though…
I started listening to this podcast called まったり韓国語 and I am doing it in true まったり fashion, by not actually studying along with it at all. Basically I'm using it as Japanese listening practice while just letting whatever random knowledge about Korea and the language filter into my head as it manages to. The lady who lives in Seoul explains stuff about the city and Korean culture. For instance, the other day I learned about Black Day. That is totally useful and easy to remember. If I even get a few factoids out of it, then why not listen? Is basically how I feel.
Now and then I also just listen to Korean news podcasts, understanding nothing. It's pretty relaxing to understand nothing. Maybe "Hello" and that's it. Like a good reminder to just take it easy. When I listen to Japanese news, I'm always trying to understand, but when you have absolutely no chance, you can just let it flow through your brain and chill out.
Except…I gotta run to my Japanese lesson now, lol. Not so chill after all.
Saturday, May 03, 2014
A brushing of the teeth
And so it came to pass that I really could not put off going to the dentist any longer. In fact, I was already there, trying simultaneously to gaze at the moisture on the surface of my eyeballs and also, out of some sense of duty to posterity (or of future dentist recommending), the cleanish and white-seeming waiting room, those patients shuffling through it. To be honest, part of the reason I picked this particular establishment was the sanitary mood, but not because I was taken in, but because it reminded me vaguely of the description of a dentist's office in a novel by my (very) favorite author.
In a fit of constructive multi-tasking, NHK news through headphones. (There is no music on my phone, the extent of which fact's full sadness had not wormed its way into my mind until recently insinuated there most likely near-unconsciously by a phantom.)
Name called, headphones removed, I sulk, resign into a chair where it is directed I may recline without even removing my shoes. A paper cup is placed in a technologically advanced circle which calls forth some diluted formula of mouth wash from a faucet when (no doubt by science, not magic) it is perceived said cup as near empty. I lost count of how many times I was instructed to rinse, but there were at least two occasions in which it was not the volume but viscosity of my spit that prompted the imperative.
What most impressed me about this visit besides the real-world oral hygiene advice given via brushes and mirrors, was the application of a solution whereby various manners of disease and decay-causing organisms colonizing the teeth may be seen in electric, shaming pink. It brought to mind a news piece I once saw about the amount of bacteria growing on mobile phones, where some similar chemical caused a handset's coat of normally invisible germy slime to appear yellow. Alas, a relative of that growth was flourishing along especially the interior wall of my still somehow and thankfully cavity-free incisors et al. This was mildly (for both related and unrelated reasons I was thenwhile endeavoring to arrest emotional reactions so as not to suffer unnecessarily wet eyes or inconvenient stuffing of the nose) alarming as I had (so I thought) been putting particular care into tending these hidden regions at home.
However, soon enough we had showed the bacteria they were unwelcome, and another paper cup of mouth rinse later, I was stumbling back into the world with sore gums and a secondary appointment two weeks hence. If you were to ask me why I needed to go twice for something as simple as cleaning I can only blame myself and say that perhaps if I had wanted to get as clean as possible in one visit I should have gone at a customary six-month interval and not waited over a year.
In a fit of constructive multi-tasking, NHK news through headphones. (There is no music on my phone, the extent of which fact's full sadness had not wormed its way into my mind until recently insinuated there most likely near-unconsciously by a phantom.)
Name called, headphones removed, I sulk, resign into a chair where it is directed I may recline without even removing my shoes. A paper cup is placed in a technologically advanced circle which calls forth some diluted formula of mouth wash from a faucet when (no doubt by science, not magic) it is perceived said cup as near empty. I lost count of how many times I was instructed to rinse, but there were at least two occasions in which it was not the volume but viscosity of my spit that prompted the imperative.
What most impressed me about this visit besides the real-world oral hygiene advice given via brushes and mirrors, was the application of a solution whereby various manners of disease and decay-causing organisms colonizing the teeth may be seen in electric, shaming pink. It brought to mind a news piece I once saw about the amount of bacteria growing on mobile phones, where some similar chemical caused a handset's coat of normally invisible germy slime to appear yellow. Alas, a relative of that growth was flourishing along especially the interior wall of my still somehow and thankfully cavity-free incisors et al. This was mildly (for both related and unrelated reasons I was thenwhile endeavoring to arrest emotional reactions so as not to suffer unnecessarily wet eyes or inconvenient stuffing of the nose) alarming as I had (so I thought) been putting particular care into tending these hidden regions at home.
However, soon enough we had showed the bacteria they were unwelcome, and another paper cup of mouth rinse later, I was stumbling back into the world with sore gums and a secondary appointment two weeks hence. If you were to ask me why I needed to go twice for something as simple as cleaning I can only blame myself and say that perhaps if I had wanted to get as clean as possible in one visit I should have gone at a customary six-month interval and not waited over a year.
Thursday, May 01, 2014
Korean Day 0
I started learning Korean this week (on Sunday, actually). The idea is to try not to take it too seriously, but knowing me I'll be ripping my hair out within a month and think I need to quit it plus half of the other things I do in order to recover. (No.)
I thought about not talking about any of this at all, but I actually feel like recommending the apps below.
Anyways, here are some starting observations...
Hangul is cool. I don't want to blindly praise King Sejong only for Hangul before I learn about whatever else he did, but dang, Hangul is easy to learn, especially compared to Japanese writing (or Chinese).
I need to learn the keyboard SOON. I guess I might get some stickers to help. I can't deal with romanization.
KoreanClass101 has the best lessons I've seen so far. I might sign up when my free trial ends. I've been watching Hana Hana Hangul and Korean in 3 Minutes. UPDATE: The only thing is that I'm nervous about their sales methods and the fact that they send passwords in plain text. I sent some feedback about that.
The apps I am using for Hangul. (These are not the only ones I tried/looked up, but the ones that survived the cut.)
This one - One thing I like is that it introduces the names of the letters as well as the writing and pronunciations. Lots of vocab collections, too, but the vocab is not gonna stick unless I start learning some grammar to go with it.
Kambu Hangul Games - No, I never know what they are saying to me outside of the pictures, but it's still fun and eventually I will. Bonus is that the theme song is really cheerful. I mean, the words could be anything, but….the music and the kids singing make me happy. The characters are cute, too.
Here is my Korean Twitter account. I'm only going to speak Korean on it, so it'll be pretty quiet to start, but…yeah.
Today I looked at the Korean section of a big bookstore and was considering the 出来る韓国語 series, since it seemed easy-to-use and some people said nice things about it on Amazon, but as it happens a friend of mine has a friend who is starting private lessons soon. The group can be up to three people, so they are going to let me in. Seems like Saturday afternoons will be spent in Korea Town. (Now that I look again, I realized the school we're going to uses those books, so it's highly possible I'll end up getting them.)
I made a deal with myself that I could only study Korean if I study equal time in Japanese. I kind of want to get a JLPT coach and shoot for 1 in December. Maybe everything will come together after all.
Well, probably not everything…
I thought about not talking about any of this at all, but I actually feel like recommending the apps below.
Anyways, here are some starting observations...
Hangul is cool. I don't want to blindly praise King Sejong only for Hangul before I learn about whatever else he did, but dang, Hangul is easy to learn, especially compared to Japanese writing (or Chinese).
I need to learn the keyboard SOON. I guess I might get some stickers to help. I can't deal with romanization.
KoreanClass101 has the best lessons I've seen so far. I might sign up when my free trial ends. I've been watching Hana Hana Hangul and Korean in 3 Minutes. UPDATE: The only thing is that I'm nervous about their sales methods and the fact that they send passwords in plain text. I sent some feedback about that.
The apps I am using for Hangul. (These are not the only ones I tried/looked up, but the ones that survived the cut.)
This one - One thing I like is that it introduces the names of the letters as well as the writing and pronunciations. Lots of vocab collections, too, but the vocab is not gonna stick unless I start learning some grammar to go with it.
Kambu Hangul Games - No, I never know what they are saying to me outside of the pictures, but it's still fun and eventually I will. Bonus is that the theme song is really cheerful. I mean, the words could be anything, but….the music and the kids singing make me happy. The characters are cute, too.
Here is my Korean Twitter account. I'm only going to speak Korean on it, so it'll be pretty quiet to start, but…yeah.
Today I looked at the Korean section of a big bookstore and was considering the 出来る韓国語 series, since it seemed easy-to-use and some people said nice things about it on Amazon, but as it happens a friend of mine has a friend who is starting private lessons soon. The group can be up to three people, so they are going to let me in. Seems like Saturday afternoons will be spent in Korea Town. (Now that I look again, I realized the school we're going to uses those books, so it's highly possible I'll end up getting them.)
I made a deal with myself that I could only study Korean if I study equal time in Japanese. I kind of want to get a JLPT coach and shoot for 1 in December. Maybe everything will come together after all.
Well, probably not everything…
Trying to not become completely scattered
First just let me respond to the list of "upcoming things" from the previous post because it seems unfair to leave them hanging.
- Asymptote Journal translation contest results (Really crossing my fingers for even an honorable mention.)
This didn't pan out for me, but maybe I can see why. The experience of doing it was still great and getting permission from the author meant more than anything.
- Manga Translation Battle results (Already a finalist so that is pretty cool! Would be great to win in my category.)
My friend and I did actually win in our category. That gave me a smidgeon of confidence and has led to other opportunities.
- Seeing the 有頂天家族 stage play on the 19th. (You can imagine how excited I am about this!)
The play was great, although it reminded me of the anime "The Tatami Galaxy" (based on a novel by the same author) in that everyone talked a thousand miles a minute. Super demanding performances, but the music kept it fun and the staging was really creative.
- Will I be giving English lessons again? It's a possibility. (You know I would have to have a really good reason.)
I don't know.
- Taking a course called "The Modern and Postmodern" online.
I dropped immediately because with work and everything it would have been impossible.
- Accompanying a Japanese director to the Clermont-Ferrand International Short Film Festival to promote/hopefully accept awards for this.
He won Best Animation. I didn't do as much interpretation as I thought I would, but that is fine since I'm not an interpreter anyways.
Honestly my brain seriously feels like it's full of fog half the time. I'd like to blame the Internet, but it's how you use it that matters.
Yeah, maybe you can tell I've been stuck in a negative quagmire. Things are actually going good but I am never satisfied with myself. There has to be a way to be better or know more or—wait do I even really want to know? But how can I [x] if I don't know [y]? I'll never stop feeling like a poser.
Lately there is so much thinking I want to do, but I feel like I can't do it alone. I guess since I am alone, I should blog, but it just highlights how by myself I am in my room. Also, I love listening and discussing. I think better when I'm listening and asking questions than trying to say something. So yeah, I guess that means I should read more, and asks questions to my blog. I don't know.
Here are common themes lately...
Pointlessness of life: I can't remember exactly when the bottom dropped out of everything and my sense of purpose was plunged into a vat of existential crisis acid below, but maybe about a month ago. A little over a month ago? I feel better than I did for a while, but I still struggle to see how anything really has meaning. The key is to be happy enough that you don't realize. I guess the friction of superficial struggle (When in my life has anything been really hard or bad? Never.) has worn through my emotional flesh till the bones of despair started poking through. My underweight soul? I guess in that sense you could say I gave it a sugar rush the past couple days, but of course I knew it was going to crash...
The main outcome of this acute consciousness of my steadily approaching of death is that I really want to read and understand philosophy to see how other people think the meaning of life is and what you should spend your time doing. I do still want to translate, but I don't know what else I should do or if I should even actively engage in ANYTHING because I "should" do it. I can start to feel really motivated for totally questionable reasons (Love? What is that anyways?), but things like, say, my self-preservation instinct, are feeling kind of dulled. (I made a dentist appointment today, though. Pretty happy about that.)
My shrink ray vs. the world: I said this a little bit in Japanese on FB in Japanese and some people read it and いいね'd but no one engaged on the topic at hand even of the people who did (Thanks, those peeps!) comment. Actually, why don't I just translate ("restate in more fluent English") what I said. It was only 4 days ago. "At some point it seems like it became unacceptable to think about things that aren't Japanese. The reason for this is ostensibly that I won't be able to specialize if I don't focus, but it's not like I've actually been focusing or specializing anyways (*cry*). It just seems like I've made my world really small. It's quite vexing. But there's also a good chance that's a symptom of my recent existential crisis, and it seems like I'm kind of wandering. Anyways, when it gets to be summer, a lot of things will change, so even if I make huge efforts to figure things out now, all I'll be doing is consuming energy…is a convenient excuse I can make, so at least there's that (lol). Yes, I would much like to postpone this existential crisis, except…apparently…I am my greatest obstacle…"
But no, so there's a little more to it than that, too. Just basically, focusing on Japanese to the extent that I actively avoid things that aren't Japanese, is toxic. It's like I've 鎖国'd myself up in some weird Japan dreamworld but the stress of it makes it so I'm not happy or focused anyways? On the one hand if I am genuinely not interested in something that is fine, but the guilt I feel for wanting to see a movie in English or study another language is not. I guess it's partly because I want to keep improving at work (translating, writing) so anything that is not related to further those goals seems like the enemy, but I gotta get a step back from that. Like a hundred steps. I dunno. Honestly this train of thought is like a cancer lately and it's also kind of tied to…
Get your country out of my face: The next time someone says to me, "Wow, you must really love Japan," I kind of want to say "no." I think it's honestly true, though. Do I "love" Japan?!? Really? The country, Japan? No. My current answer is that I love Japanese. That is actually true. But it's not JUST Japanese. I picked Japanese as my working language because I happen to like anime, manga, Japanese lit, Japanese movies, etc. So to some extent, I enjoy Japanese media, but does that mean I LOVE Japan? Maybe if "People who love Japanese love Japan" were a correct premise, but I don't think it is.
If I sound angry, I'm not. I'm just stressed. Also, I don't love ANY country. I just want to focus on people. And try not to feel so negative.
Korean: I started learning Korean. The unfortunate (and therefore funny) thing is that it looks like this is directly tied to all the stuff I was just saying. It's not. At most it's a coincidental dovetail. It stems from completely different questionable motives, rest assured. More on this later, since I want to blog about how embarrassingly painful it is to start learning a language from 0.
Upcoming things…
Golden Week: I actually had the day off today—what the hell. I went to the office and it was locked. This used to happen a lot on holidays but today was not even a holiday; that's why I was surprised. I guess because this week is so Golden. Tomorrow I have to work. Saturday I'm working and then hanging out with a friend. Sunday I'm going to see a couple plays. Monday I'm going to a poetry event. Tuesday I imagine I have to work as normal, but that is fine with me.
Work: No kidding. No, but specifically… I've been at the newspaper for a year now, which normally you would like celebrate or something, but instead I quit. For good reasons, not bad reasons. This is actually the first time I'm saying that in public, but I don't think there's any reason not to? More on my new job later. Basically the next couple months are a big transition. I need to try to just let it happen and not fret so much.
[Placeholder]
Wisconsin: Well, since my sister is getting married I have to plan a trip home in October. Actually, what's awkward (in terms of my life in Japan) is that I have to really go in September. I guess I just have to accept there is nothing I can do about this and relay it to my various bosses who are generally understanding.
In general I'd say I feel like things are pretty intense. I need to try to be more patient, open, and positive, especially when I'm with other people.
- Asymptote Journal translation contest results (Really crossing my fingers for even an honorable mention.)
This didn't pan out for me, but maybe I can see why. The experience of doing it was still great and getting permission from the author meant more than anything.
- Manga Translation Battle results (Already a finalist so that is pretty cool! Would be great to win in my category.)
My friend and I did actually win in our category. That gave me a smidgeon of confidence and has led to other opportunities.
- Seeing the 有頂天家族 stage play on the 19th. (You can imagine how excited I am about this!)
The play was great, although it reminded me of the anime "The Tatami Galaxy" (based on a novel by the same author) in that everyone talked a thousand miles a minute. Super demanding performances, but the music kept it fun and the staging was really creative.
- Will I be giving English lessons again? It's a possibility. (You know I would have to have a really good reason.)
I don't know.
- Taking a course called "The Modern and Postmodern" online.
I dropped immediately because with work and everything it would have been impossible.
- Accompanying a Japanese director to the Clermont-Ferrand International Short Film Festival to promote/hopefully accept awards for this.
He won Best Animation. I didn't do as much interpretation as I thought I would, but that is fine since I'm not an interpreter anyways.
Honestly my brain seriously feels like it's full of fog half the time. I'd like to blame the Internet, but it's how you use it that matters.
Yeah, maybe you can tell I've been stuck in a negative quagmire. Things are actually going good but I am never satisfied with myself. There has to be a way to be better or know more or—wait do I even really want to know? But how can I [x] if I don't know [y]? I'll never stop feeling like a poser.
Lately there is so much thinking I want to do, but I feel like I can't do it alone. I guess since I am alone, I should blog, but it just highlights how by myself I am in my room. Also, I love listening and discussing. I think better when I'm listening and asking questions than trying to say something. So yeah, I guess that means I should read more, and asks questions to my blog. I don't know.
Here are common themes lately...
Pointlessness of life: I can't remember exactly when the bottom dropped out of everything and my sense of purpose was plunged into a vat of existential crisis acid below, but maybe about a month ago. A little over a month ago? I feel better than I did for a while, but I still struggle to see how anything really has meaning. The key is to be happy enough that you don't realize. I guess the friction of superficial struggle (When in my life has anything been really hard or bad? Never.) has worn through my emotional flesh till the bones of despair started poking through. My underweight soul? I guess in that sense you could say I gave it a sugar rush the past couple days, but of course I knew it was going to crash...
The main outcome of this acute consciousness of my steadily approaching of death is that I really want to read and understand philosophy to see how other people think the meaning of life is and what you should spend your time doing. I do still want to translate, but I don't know what else I should do or if I should even actively engage in ANYTHING because I "should" do it. I can start to feel really motivated for totally questionable reasons (Love? What is that anyways?), but things like, say, my self-preservation instinct, are feeling kind of dulled. (I made a dentist appointment today, though. Pretty happy about that.)
My shrink ray vs. the world: I said this a little bit in Japanese on FB in Japanese and some people read it and いいね'd but no one engaged on the topic at hand even of the people who did (Thanks, those peeps!) comment. Actually, why don't I just translate ("restate in more fluent English") what I said. It was only 4 days ago. "At some point it seems like it became unacceptable to think about things that aren't Japanese. The reason for this is ostensibly that I won't be able to specialize if I don't focus, but it's not like I've actually been focusing or specializing anyways (*cry*). It just seems like I've made my world really small. It's quite vexing. But there's also a good chance that's a symptom of my recent existential crisis, and it seems like I'm kind of wandering. Anyways, when it gets to be summer, a lot of things will change, so even if I make huge efforts to figure things out now, all I'll be doing is consuming energy…is a convenient excuse I can make, so at least there's that (lol). Yes, I would much like to postpone this existential crisis, except…apparently…I am my greatest obstacle…"
But no, so there's a little more to it than that, too. Just basically, focusing on Japanese to the extent that I actively avoid things that aren't Japanese, is toxic. It's like I've 鎖国'd myself up in some weird Japan dreamworld but the stress of it makes it so I'm not happy or focused anyways? On the one hand if I am genuinely not interested in something that is fine, but the guilt I feel for wanting to see a movie in English or study another language is not. I guess it's partly because I want to keep improving at work (translating, writing) so anything that is not related to further those goals seems like the enemy, but I gotta get a step back from that. Like a hundred steps. I dunno. Honestly this train of thought is like a cancer lately and it's also kind of tied to…
Get your country out of my face: The next time someone says to me, "Wow, you must really love Japan," I kind of want to say "no." I think it's honestly true, though. Do I "love" Japan?!? Really? The country, Japan? No. My current answer is that I love Japanese. That is actually true. But it's not JUST Japanese. I picked Japanese as my working language because I happen to like anime, manga, Japanese lit, Japanese movies, etc. So to some extent, I enjoy Japanese media, but does that mean I LOVE Japan? Maybe if "People who love Japanese love Japan" were a correct premise, but I don't think it is.
If I sound angry, I'm not. I'm just stressed. Also, I don't love ANY country. I just want to focus on people. And try not to feel so negative.
Korean: I started learning Korean. The unfortunate (and therefore funny) thing is that it looks like this is directly tied to all the stuff I was just saying. It's not. At most it's a coincidental dovetail. It stems from completely different questionable motives, rest assured. More on this later, since I want to blog about how embarrassingly painful it is to start learning a language from 0.
Upcoming things…
Golden Week: I actually had the day off today—what the hell. I went to the office and it was locked. This used to happen a lot on holidays but today was not even a holiday; that's why I was surprised. I guess because this week is so Golden. Tomorrow I have to work. Saturday I'm working and then hanging out with a friend. Sunday I'm going to see a couple plays. Monday I'm going to a poetry event. Tuesday I imagine I have to work as normal, but that is fine with me.
Work: No kidding. No, but specifically… I've been at the newspaper for a year now, which normally you would like celebrate or something, but instead I quit. For good reasons, not bad reasons. This is actually the first time I'm saying that in public, but I don't think there's any reason not to? More on my new job later. Basically the next couple months are a big transition. I need to try to just let it happen and not fret so much.
[Placeholder]
Wisconsin: Well, since my sister is getting married I have to plan a trip home in October. Actually, what's awkward (in terms of my life in Japan) is that I have to really go in September. I guess I just have to accept there is nothing I can do about this and relay it to my various bosses who are generally understanding.
In general I'd say I feel like things are pretty intense. I need to try to be more patient, open, and positive, especially when I'm with other people.
Monday, January 06, 2014
Substitution for the 2013 wrap I didn't like
Had a horrible dream that I inadvertently skipped out on work without telling anyone.
Woke up, relieved it was still Monday, and ate the last of the X-mas cookies mom sent before heating up some ume daikon okayu for breakfast.
Did assorted Internet tasks.
Went to work. It was the first day back after winter break and I couldn't really catch the rhythm of all the standing and bowing as people went around greeting each other for the first time in 2014. You'd barely know it, but we're kind of down to crunch time on [all the work I've done for the past year]. I wish I felt like I was a little more on top of the process in addition to the actual work, if that makes sense, but maybe that is a good goal for 2014.
I'm guessing it was the fish I had for lunch, but whatever it was, something upset my stomach, so I felt pretty crummy for much of the afternoon. I took a walk anyways, since I told a friend I would get him a Hello Kitty x Arino Kachou plushie, which you have to reserve at Lawson.
Got home and made lemon soda water, sipped it while doing email and assorted Internet tasks……
Had a slice of awesome bread from Wisconsin with wonky pb. (Seriously, you can taste the extra oil they added. Never add oil to pb. Gross. I can't wait till my next order of Good Spread shows up.)
Proofed some manga.
First I was thinking I would edit the 2013 wrap I wrote and didn't post, and then post it, but it's still just kinda hokey. I dunno. Then I thought I would write something about things I'm looking forward to in 2014, but I guess I can still do that right now.
By the way, I took my hands out of the below scarf before writing this, lol. It was a present and it keeps me pretty warm in my room.
Anyways, on the horizon so far in 2014:
- Asymptote Journal translation contest results (Really crossing my fingers for even an honorable mention.)
- Manga Translation Battle results (Already a finalist so that is pretty cool! Would be great to win in my category.)
- Seeing the 有頂天家族 stage play on the 19th. (You can imagine how excited I am about this!)
- Will I be giving English lessons again? It's a possibility. (You know I would have to have a really good reason.)
- Taking a course called "The Modern and Postmodern" online.
- Accompanying a Japanese director to the Clermont-Ferrand International Short Film Festival to promote/hopefully accept awards for this.
Probably plenty of other fun stuff. But for now, I need to get off my computer for a while.
Woke up, relieved it was still Monday, and ate the last of the X-mas cookies mom sent before heating up some ume daikon okayu for breakfast.
Did assorted Internet tasks.
Went to work. It was the first day back after winter break and I couldn't really catch the rhythm of all the standing and bowing as people went around greeting each other for the first time in 2014. You'd barely know it, but we're kind of down to crunch time on [all the work I've done for the past year]. I wish I felt like I was a little more on top of the process in addition to the actual work, if that makes sense, but maybe that is a good goal for 2014.
I'm guessing it was the fish I had for lunch, but whatever it was, something upset my stomach, so I felt pretty crummy for much of the afternoon. I took a walk anyways, since I told a friend I would get him a Hello Kitty x Arino Kachou plushie, which you have to reserve at Lawson.
Got home and made lemon soda water, sipped it while doing email and assorted Internet tasks……
Had a slice of awesome bread from Wisconsin with wonky pb. (Seriously, you can taste the extra oil they added. Never add oil to pb. Gross. I can't wait till my next order of Good Spread shows up.)
Proofed some manga.
First I was thinking I would edit the 2013 wrap I wrote and didn't post, and then post it, but it's still just kinda hokey. I dunno. Then I thought I would write something about things I'm looking forward to in 2014, but I guess I can still do that right now.
By the way, I took my hands out of the below scarf before writing this, lol. It was a present and it keeps me pretty warm in my room.
Anyways, on the horizon so far in 2014:
- Asymptote Journal translation contest results (Really crossing my fingers for even an honorable mention.)
- Manga Translation Battle results (Already a finalist so that is pretty cool! Would be great to win in my category.)
- Seeing the 有頂天家族 stage play on the 19th. (You can imagine how excited I am about this!)
- Will I be giving English lessons again? It's a possibility. (You know I would have to have a really good reason.)
- Taking a course called "The Modern and Postmodern" online.
- Accompanying a Japanese director to the Clermont-Ferrand International Short Film Festival to promote/hopefully accept awards for this.
Probably plenty of other fun stuff. But for now, I need to get off my computer for a while.
Wednesday, December 25, 2013
Doesn't really feel like Christmas
Here's what I did on Christmas Day 2013.
ぐずる <---the a="" alarm="" already="" and="" anyways="" awake="" bar="" be="" bed.="" body="" break="" but="" by="" clock="" cocoon.="" cold="" compounded="" day="" demands="" describes="" did="" do="" feel="" function="" futon="" get="" heat="" i="" in="" invested="" is="" it="" knowing="" knowledge="" less="" more="" much="" my="" nbsp="" of="" on="" or="" other="" out="" p="" phone="" s="" shame="" so="" soon="" taught="" that="" the="" this="" time="" to="" unwillingness="" up.="" up="" ve="" verb="" warming="" was="" when="" winter="" would="">
I knew (or thought I knew) I had skyping to do at 7 a.m. so after spring out of my blanket at 6:45 I assembled some silken tofu, fresh veggies, and microwave brown rice into something like a cross between a casserole and a stew and waited for a phone call or a message requesting a phone call or anything. Instead I turned down a friend's translation request, thinking I was busy, and then moooostly killed time for two hours. No, I did do a bit of work. I did.
But I also talked to a friend about how I (or I guess maybe lots of us) have forgotten how to live with other people. Having roommates means you sacrifice privacy for interaction, but that interaction is something people are supposed to be able to do, I think. We should cook together and eat together and watch old movies and discuss the books we read and co-exist in the same space at least some of the time. Living alone is great, but it's great because it's lazy. I guess that is how I've been feeling lately. I want to cop out and say I require that laziness to do all the rest of the things I do, but I bet I don't really. If I could live with a bf, I could live with a roommate, and we all know I'm proactive when it comes to guys.
Anyhow, then I went to work.
I was in a pretty unfestive mood, to be honest. Some guy was breathing audibly into a mask behind me on the train. So audible I could swear I felt it on the back of my neck. Too biological. I was horrified. If you have a cold so bad you can't breathe to yourself, you really really really really really really (etc.) need to stay home. I thought about how I wanted to stay at home and read the Xmas presents from my dad instead of go input data. I didn't wonder what I would have for lunch so much as mourn the fact that my favorite place is closed for the holidays. (They deserve a break, it's not that…) I got mad at everyone on the planet for all the usual reasons like walking to slow. And I got mad at myself for all the usual reasons like forgetting to bring my book. Who forgets their book?! A true lunch break (as opposed to a solo branch meeting of the Association of People Who Work Their Other Job On Their Lunch Break) without a book to read is actually pretty painful. I mainly resorted to switching between my two Twitter accounts, FB, and email. Yeah, painful. Lunch itself was pretty sad, too. A place that has twice been too busy for me to even get in to proved to have lackluster taco rice. Ho ho hum.
Oh right, it's Christmas. I have to say my boss spread more holiday cheer than I expected (anyone to spread?) Besides the mini tree perched precariously (on what, I haven't ever actually looked…maybe a PC tower?) over our desk island that has gradually sprouted more and more decorations over the month, he passed out holiday Snicker bites and M&Ms today. Someone else had a huge box of mikan, too. Kind of made a haul in terms of snacks.
And in terms of data input, thanks to listener-sponsored public radio. I put WBGO in my headphones and immediately felt 1,000x better about my entire life.
And you can count on them to play the same classic tracks I listened to on jazz NPR as a kid at Christmas. That is what I really want at Christmas, nostalgia, lol. There's no way to get back what you had, but you can get the right feels if the right music plays, or the right cookies show up in a box from your mom (the 29th, says the post office).
So somehow it became 6:00 and a few minutes later I had to decide what to eat for dinner. I tried a curry place I had eyed a while back while wandering the maze near Mita station, but in the end it wasn't really worth the trouble to cross to the other side of Tamachi station. Not bad, but not noteworthy. The combination of ingredients was fun, though: bacon, scrambled egg, cabbage, eggplant, and green pepper.
After that I got a little sweet potato cake. I hadn't gotten suckered into one in a while, and X-mas seems as good a time as any. But it's true, I should be saving up sugar consumption for the 12-type strong battalion of cookies coming my way.
I had thought about where I could go to like…see people or whatever, but in the end I decided that I would rather do what I wanted to do in the morning: read a book. So I came home, did the dishes from breakfast, and read. I meant to go to bed around 10 or 10:30 and was on track until I decided to write a blog post, but I dunno. If I don't write down any of this stuff I won't be able to look back at the posts because there won't be any.
Tonight was really nice because of the most part, I was able to just read and read and read without wondering what was happening on my phone. That must mean I was relaxed. It's a shame to be relaxed all alone like that — certainly it would be more fun with someone else — but I'd like to try to spend more time NOT actively avoiding my phone (because that is just as stressful and fake) but just genuinely not needing to know or care what is going on with it (and the Internet).
Tomorrow I am actually skyping with my family, then working, and finally having dinner with a friend I have never met outside of his returning to Japan for the holidays. We met a year ago. A whole year of knowing someone primarily through Facebook. I must be different now. Maybe he is, too.
ぐずる <---the a="" alarm="" already="" and="" anyways="" awake="" bar="" be="" bed.="" body="" break="" but="" by="" clock="" cocoon.="" cold="" compounded="" day="" demands="" describes="" did="" do="" feel="" function="" futon="" get="" heat="" i="" in="" invested="" is="" it="" knowing="" knowledge="" less="" more="" much="" my="" nbsp="" of="" on="" or="" other="" out="" p="" phone="" s="" shame="" so="" soon="" taught="" that="" the="" this="" time="" to="" unwillingness="" up.="" up="" ve="" verb="" warming="" was="" when="" winter="" would="">
I knew (or thought I knew) I had skyping to do at 7 a.m. so after spring out of my blanket at 6:45 I assembled some silken tofu, fresh veggies, and microwave brown rice into something like a cross between a casserole and a stew and waited for a phone call or a message requesting a phone call or anything. Instead I turned down a friend's translation request, thinking I was busy, and then moooostly killed time for two hours. No, I did do a bit of work. I did.
But I also talked to a friend about how I (or I guess maybe lots of us) have forgotten how to live with other people. Having roommates means you sacrifice privacy for interaction, but that interaction is something people are supposed to be able to do, I think. We should cook together and eat together and watch old movies and discuss the books we read and co-exist in the same space at least some of the time. Living alone is great, but it's great because it's lazy. I guess that is how I've been feeling lately. I want to cop out and say I require that laziness to do all the rest of the things I do, but I bet I don't really. If I could live with a bf, I could live with a roommate, and we all know I'm proactive when it comes to guys.
Anyhow, then I went to work.
I was in a pretty unfestive mood, to be honest. Some guy was breathing audibly into a mask behind me on the train. So audible I could swear I felt it on the back of my neck. Too biological. I was horrified. If you have a cold so bad you can't breathe to yourself, you really really really really really really (etc.) need to stay home. I thought about how I wanted to stay at home and read the Xmas presents from my dad instead of go input data. I didn't wonder what I would have for lunch so much as mourn the fact that my favorite place is closed for the holidays. (They deserve a break, it's not that…) I got mad at everyone on the planet for all the usual reasons like walking to slow. And I got mad at myself for all the usual reasons like forgetting to bring my book. Who forgets their book?! A true lunch break (as opposed to a solo branch meeting of the Association of People Who Work Their Other Job On Their Lunch Break) without a book to read is actually pretty painful. I mainly resorted to switching between my two Twitter accounts, FB, and email. Yeah, painful. Lunch itself was pretty sad, too. A place that has twice been too busy for me to even get in to proved to have lackluster taco rice. Ho ho hum.
Oh right, it's Christmas. I have to say my boss spread more holiday cheer than I expected (anyone to spread?) Besides the mini tree perched precariously (on what, I haven't ever actually looked…maybe a PC tower?) over our desk island that has gradually sprouted more and more decorations over the month, he passed out holiday Snicker bites and M&Ms today. Someone else had a huge box of mikan, too. Kind of made a haul in terms of snacks.
And in terms of data input, thanks to listener-sponsored public radio. I put WBGO in my headphones and immediately felt 1,000x better about my entire life.
And you can count on them to play the same classic tracks I listened to on jazz NPR as a kid at Christmas. That is what I really want at Christmas, nostalgia, lol. There's no way to get back what you had, but you can get the right feels if the right music plays, or the right cookies show up in a box from your mom (the 29th, says the post office).
So somehow it became 6:00 and a few minutes later I had to decide what to eat for dinner. I tried a curry place I had eyed a while back while wandering the maze near Mita station, but in the end it wasn't really worth the trouble to cross to the other side of Tamachi station. Not bad, but not noteworthy. The combination of ingredients was fun, though: bacon, scrambled egg, cabbage, eggplant, and green pepper.
After that I got a little sweet potato cake. I hadn't gotten suckered into one in a while, and X-mas seems as good a time as any. But it's true, I should be saving up sugar consumption for the 12-type strong battalion of cookies coming my way.
I had thought about where I could go to like…see people or whatever, but in the end I decided that I would rather do what I wanted to do in the morning: read a book. So I came home, did the dishes from breakfast, and read. I meant to go to bed around 10 or 10:30 and was on track until I decided to write a blog post, but I dunno. If I don't write down any of this stuff I won't be able to look back at the posts because there won't be any.
Tonight was really nice because of the most part, I was able to just read and read and read without wondering what was happening on my phone. That must mean I was relaxed. It's a shame to be relaxed all alone like that — certainly it would be more fun with someone else — but I'd like to try to spend more time NOT actively avoiding my phone (because that is just as stressful and fake) but just genuinely not needing to know or care what is going on with it (and the Internet).
Tomorrow I am actually skyping with my family, then working, and finally having dinner with a friend I have never met outside of his returning to Japan for the holidays. We met a year ago. A whole year of knowing someone primarily through Facebook. I must be different now. Maybe he is, too.
Thursday, November 28, 2013
To all the 17 and a half year old girls who feel sad listening to The 1975's "Girls"
They're just boys, breakin' hearts
Lewd stares, don't care, just boys
You know he can't be what you need if he's 33
They're just boys
They're just boys
Lewd stares, don't care, just boys
You know he can't be what you need if he's 33
They're just boys
They're just boys
Sunday, November 24, 2013
Sky diving off the O2
I had slipped and if it weren't for free motion flyer ball I managed to clutch for dear life, would have plummeted 50 odd floors, but looking out across the peachy-orange sky, I saw it and all my attention was immediately absorbed, "What IS that?
Alternate Universe Neo-Tokyo, lol. Dream time. Sky Tree was not completed yet, but that's because it wasn't Sky Tree, it was "O2," and it was going to reach into outer space. Or it was supposed to. It was clawing its way. Maybe the project got halted, or maybe they were just going to start letting people sky dive off it on the weekends, but we were going to do the jump (with a guide). It was for work, of course. Someone had to blog about it, though why it had to be me in particular I couldn't fathom.
The tower was by the beach and my friend abandoned her ski cap in the sand, saying it was dirty anyways. I was anxiously watch the sun go down as we walked over (we were going to jump at night?!) but then couldn't even do that because a dark cloud (so evil it had taken on a semi-solid form and was dripping actual filth) moved in to blot out nearly the entire sky. A slim horizon of hellfire marked the ocean.
Heading up, there seemed to be some sort of gorilla infestation, the outer walls just crawling with them, but no one working in the office seemed to mind. Our guide arrived looking like he had just descended a mountain: the backpack, the shoes, tights of a subdued magenta with some busy patterns in black and tan under his sporty black shorts, windbreaker mostly turquoise. Walking with quick steps, he seemed to think I, in particular, would never be fast enough to follow him. We were to turn off the hall lights behind us as we went. Setsuden? I woke up mulling whether I was prepared to die as we were boarding yet another elevator.
Alternate Universe Neo-Tokyo, lol. Dream time. Sky Tree was not completed yet, but that's because it wasn't Sky Tree, it was "O2," and it was going to reach into outer space. Or it was supposed to. It was clawing its way. Maybe the project got halted, or maybe they were just going to start letting people sky dive off it on the weekends, but we were going to do the jump (with a guide). It was for work, of course. Someone had to blog about it, though why it had to be me in particular I couldn't fathom.
The tower was by the beach and my friend abandoned her ski cap in the sand, saying it was dirty anyways. I was anxiously watch the sun go down as we walked over (we were going to jump at night?!) but then couldn't even do that because a dark cloud (so evil it had taken on a semi-solid form and was dripping actual filth) moved in to blot out nearly the entire sky. A slim horizon of hellfire marked the ocean.
Heading up, there seemed to be some sort of gorilla infestation, the outer walls just crawling with them, but no one working in the office seemed to mind. Our guide arrived looking like he had just descended a mountain: the backpack, the shoes, tights of a subdued magenta with some busy patterns in black and tan under his sporty black shorts, windbreaker mostly turquoise. Walking with quick steps, he seemed to think I, in particular, would never be fast enough to follow him. We were to turn off the hall lights behind us as we went. Setsuden? I woke up mulling whether I was prepared to die as we were boarding yet another elevator.
Monday, November 04, 2013
Note from the new abroad
Maybe you noticed I quit updating my overseas blog. It's because what used to count for overseas is now flip-flopped. I've been the states for a little over a week now and will head back to Tokyo on the 9th.
I'm not being Tokyo-centric, I'm just being honest. Returning to Japan for me, does actually mean to Tokyo, at least for now.
My goal for the afternoon is to either avoid eating pumpkin pie or being ok with eating more pumpkin pie. I can't decide which.
It seems like since I've gotten to visit relatives and see my brother graduate with his B.A. in computer animation and bake cookies and am on my way tomorrow to live it up in San Francisco for the rest of the week that I have gotten everything done that I felt like doing. What's kind of weird is that I can't really see myself living in any of the places I've been. Even SF has a kind of "been there" kind of feeling, which is strange, considering how much I like it there.
I decided to be ok with eating more pumpkin pie.
Anyways, who knows if Tokyo is the final answer either. Especially if I decide to go for the MA, which WOULD actually land me back in the states, or the UK. Before I do that though I need to find out what "significant preparation in one or more literary traditions" even means.
I finished the third story in きつねのはなし. It seemed to reach the conclusion I thought it would but in a hazier way than I imagined it might.
Other than that, still marching through that Yale Lit Crit class. It's really fun. I wish I weren't doing it alone. I love doing the readings and then being like, "Hm, I hope the prof goes over this concept." Of course, I can't ask questions so it's a little frustrating, but the fact that I can get talked at for 50 minutes about literature whenever I feel like, for free, is pretty nifty.
It's after three. Was writing this blog to put off deciding what to do, I guess I'm kind of out of time to decide. Just gotta do.
I'm not being Tokyo-centric, I'm just being honest. Returning to Japan for me, does actually mean to Tokyo, at least for now.
My goal for the afternoon is to either avoid eating pumpkin pie or being ok with eating more pumpkin pie. I can't decide which.
It seems like since I've gotten to visit relatives and see my brother graduate with his B.A. in computer animation and bake cookies and am on my way tomorrow to live it up in San Francisco for the rest of the week that I have gotten everything done that I felt like doing. What's kind of weird is that I can't really see myself living in any of the places I've been. Even SF has a kind of "been there" kind of feeling, which is strange, considering how much I like it there.
I decided to be ok with eating more pumpkin pie.
Anyways, who knows if Tokyo is the final answer either. Especially if I decide to go for the MA, which WOULD actually land me back in the states, or the UK. Before I do that though I need to find out what "significant preparation in one or more literary traditions" even means.
I finished the third story in きつねのはなし. It seemed to reach the conclusion I thought it would but in a hazier way than I imagined it might.
Other than that, still marching through that Yale Lit Crit class. It's really fun. I wish I weren't doing it alone. I love doing the readings and then being like, "Hm, I hope the prof goes over this concept." Of course, I can't ask questions so it's a little frustrating, but the fact that I can get talked at for 50 minutes about literature whenever I feel like, for free, is pretty nifty.
It's after three. Was writing this blog to put off deciding what to do, I guess I'm kind of out of time to decide. Just gotta do.
Friday, October 18, 2013
When you read other people's 2007s
You start to want to read your own 2007.
(I have read jottings from a couple different important peoples' 2007s lately.)
It's good to blog.
In terms of epochs of my life:
1. The town life of a toddler (before I can really remember what was going on)
2. Tribal existence in a country forest with bicycle (till 6th grade, 1996)
3. 青春 (middle school and high school, graduated 2003)
4. I'm an adult (all boundaries pushed, college before Paris, pre-2005: I started blogging)
5. Paris (lots of things changed, spring 2005)
6. California dreamin' (college after Paris, finished early Dec. 2006)
7. REAL LIFE (after college, pre-Twitter, 2007, 2008, early 2009)
8. Alternate universe (June 2009-Nov 2011, but also the dreamy period after that leading up to...)
9. Yet another realm (Japan, i.e. everything since March 2012)
Here are the most important events that have happened so far:
1. Summer 1985 Born (lol)
2. 1993? Some kids back from a foreign exchange taught us how to count to ten in French and it was the coolest thing in my life up to that point. Even if Paris wasn't as huge as Tokyo in the grand scheme of things, realizing that I cared about learning languages was.
3. Spring 2000 Got up the courage to partner with a guy I liked in my math class on a project which ended up leading me straight to Japanese and also further into the Internet. (Also was my first boyfriend.)
4. Fall 2005 Inspired to start writing freelance. (By my first serious boyfriend.)
5. Fall 2007 Went to Japan for the first time.
6. Summer 2008 Paradigm shift. For better or worse, we cannot say. (Via a guy who later claimed to be my boyfriend.)
7. Summer 2009 Got hired at Twitter.
8. Winter 2012 Bought ペンギン・ハイウェイ based on the cover.
That's only 8 things. I dislike the number 8. I wonder if there are two more important things.
I guess I'd say...
x. Fall 1996 Finally got to play saxophone (5th graders were not allowed for some reason; this is not on the original list because while it was crucial to my high school years, it became irrelevant later on except for the super bitter sweet nostalgic feeling I get whenever I listen to symphonic band music or jazz.)
z. Spring 2012 Moved to Japan (but I pretty much see this as a direct extension of #7 because it would not have been feasible otherwise, and the ball was already rolling at #5. I knew I would get here, even if at the time I had no idea when or how.)
I guess there is plenty of other stuff that happened. I mean, my whole life happened.
My universe is expanding and I have my own cosmic microwave background.
Seems to make sense.
One thing I think about a lot, though, is when I will feel like I'm in "real life" again, and/or how I will know when I am. Which I realize doesn't make sense, but if there is a time that I feel was "real" then wasn't it? And isn't now not? Actually lately I'm getting closer to that feeling, but...something still seems so meta. Maybe it's because I'm living in Japan I have this film of over-awareness that I didn't have in SF? SF was raw and crazy. Japan is still crazy sometimes, but I'm watching myself from somewhere. I wonder if it's really just Japan or if it happened earlier...I wanna climb back into my skin.
(I have read jottings from a couple different important peoples' 2007s lately.)
It's good to blog.
In terms of epochs of my life:
1. The town life of a toddler (before I can really remember what was going on)
2. Tribal existence in a country forest with bicycle (till 6th grade, 1996)
3. 青春 (middle school and high school, graduated 2003)
4. I'm an adult (all boundaries pushed, college before Paris, pre-2005: I started blogging)
5. Paris (lots of things changed, spring 2005)
6. California dreamin' (college after Paris, finished early Dec. 2006)
7. REAL LIFE (after college, pre-Twitter, 2007, 2008, early 2009)
8. Alternate universe (June 2009-Nov 2011, but also the dreamy period after that leading up to...)
9. Yet another realm (Japan, i.e. everything since March 2012)
Here are the most important events that have happened so far:
1. Summer 1985 Born (lol)
2. 1993? Some kids back from a foreign exchange taught us how to count to ten in French and it was the coolest thing in my life up to that point. Even if Paris wasn't as huge as Tokyo in the grand scheme of things, realizing that I cared about learning languages was.
3. Spring 2000 Got up the courage to partner with a guy I liked in my math class on a project which ended up leading me straight to Japanese and also further into the Internet. (Also was my first boyfriend.)
4. Fall 2005 Inspired to start writing freelance. (By my first serious boyfriend.)
5. Fall 2007 Went to Japan for the first time.
6. Summer 2008 Paradigm shift. For better or worse, we cannot say. (Via a guy who later claimed to be my boyfriend.)
7. Summer 2009 Got hired at Twitter.
8. Winter 2012 Bought ペンギン・ハイウェイ based on the cover.
That's only 8 things. I dislike the number 8. I wonder if there are two more important things.
I guess I'd say...
x. Fall 1996 Finally got to play saxophone (5th graders were not allowed for some reason; this is not on the original list because while it was crucial to my high school years, it became irrelevant later on except for the super bitter sweet nostalgic feeling I get whenever I listen to symphonic band music or jazz.)
z. Spring 2012 Moved to Japan (but I pretty much see this as a direct extension of #7 because it would not have been feasible otherwise, and the ball was already rolling at #5. I knew I would get here, even if at the time I had no idea when or how.)
I guess there is plenty of other stuff that happened. I mean, my whole life happened.
My universe is expanding and I have my own cosmic microwave background.
Seems to make sense.
One thing I think about a lot, though, is when I will feel like I'm in "real life" again, and/or how I will know when I am. Which I realize doesn't make sense, but if there is a time that I feel was "real" then wasn't it? And isn't now not? Actually lately I'm getting closer to that feeling, but...something still seems so meta. Maybe it's because I'm living in Japan I have this film of over-awareness that I didn't have in SF? SF was raw and crazy. Japan is still crazy sometimes, but I'm watching myself from somewhere. I wonder if it's really just Japan or if it happened earlier...I wanna climb back into my skin.
Thursday, October 17, 2013
flying update
I have a hard time flipping back into work mode lately. The stuff I am doing in non-work mode is too damn interesting and I'm so alone during much if it that my head spins off in a million directions and I can no longer concentrate even on that much less the project at hand. It's cool, though, I still have time tonight.
Today woke up to an alarm at 6:30.
I had a dream about running around a huge college campus to hand in a term paper.
There was a map like a video game with a glowing dot, but I couldn't navigate the halls properly.
It was a mess.
I haven't had a dream like that in so long.
I can only blame it on the fact that I am desperately wishing I could be an undergrad in a Japanese lit department.
Anyways.
I had granola and soy milk and did some newspaper work.
Then I went to K-town and did some work there.
Lately I have been getting omiyage from people via a representative. The other day I found a box of shark fin-flavored Pretz from Hong Kong on my desk ("from the CEO, for girls only, I got shrimp-flavored") and today I was given a mini snow globe from Germany ("when you have time, you should thank O-san").
Lunch was brown rice doria with chicken and asparagus, but they were really stingy with the asparagus.
That is why after work I went to a place in Akihabara where I knew I could eat a lot of vegetables.
It was like a dream. I sat and drank espresso till it seemed like dinner time, while reading some people talk about novels in this extremely over-my-head kind of way. I really want to learn how people become able to make judgements like that and just go riffing along about things. Or maybe I just wish I could lie on the floor near their feet while they talk, as long as I can hear.
I took the Yamanote line to Mejiro and walked home from there. It got a bit brisk so I was able to wear my Cool New Jacket Which Is Difficult To Zip today. You really have to choose carefully beforehand whether you will wear it zipped or unzipped and if you intend to zip it, you must zip it in the way you would like to zip it before you go before the public. Otherwise, if you fail repeatedly to zip your own jacket you look like an idiot.
I don't actually know why I'm blogging all of the sudden, but...but yes I do, it's because I have work to do. You'd think if I wanted to procrastinate I would go read some more Maupassant, but my frequency of procrastination is tuned so finely that I can't seem to do anything actually productive. The ONLY productive option right now is work and therefore I am left with unproductive options. I could roll around on my futon. That would be perfectly acceptable. I might.
Last night My Favorite K and I ate vegetables and fish and rice and soup (because we both like this kind of food and I'm so glad we have that in common) and walked walked walked around Nakameguro, Daikanyama, Ebisu. All roads there lead to T-Site, at least, I can't seem to go anywhere near Daikanyama without setting foot there, and he looked at cooking magazines. I looked at them over his shoulder, but also at him looking at them (which was more fun, I think).
Tomorrow is Friday. You know what I did last year on that day? Drummed taiko in the Oeshiki festival down the street. It was really fun. This year I was invited once again, but I can't go because I will have a translation to edit (the translation I'm supposed to be creating right now). I think I'm ok with that, but it's a little sad. It also makes me realize how hard it must be to keep up traditions as an adult. Like for your kids even or what not. Culture is hard work! Actually!
Honestly though, I'm losing my mind about literature lately. I need to meet people to talk about books with and more importantly learn how to talk about books. If anyone has some ideas, let me know.
Today woke up to an alarm at 6:30.
I had a dream about running around a huge college campus to hand in a term paper.
There was a map like a video game with a glowing dot, but I couldn't navigate the halls properly.
It was a mess.
I haven't had a dream like that in so long.
I can only blame it on the fact that I am desperately wishing I could be an undergrad in a Japanese lit department.
Anyways.
I had granola and soy milk and did some newspaper work.
Then I went to K-town and did some work there.
Lately I have been getting omiyage from people via a representative. The other day I found a box of shark fin-flavored Pretz from Hong Kong on my desk ("from the CEO, for girls only, I got shrimp-flavored") and today I was given a mini snow globe from Germany ("when you have time, you should thank O-san").
Lunch was brown rice doria with chicken and asparagus, but they were really stingy with the asparagus.
That is why after work I went to a place in Akihabara where I knew I could eat a lot of vegetables.
It was like a dream. I sat and drank espresso till it seemed like dinner time, while reading some people talk about novels in this extremely over-my-head kind of way. I really want to learn how people become able to make judgements like that and just go riffing along about things. Or maybe I just wish I could lie on the floor near their feet while they talk, as long as I can hear.
I took the Yamanote line to Mejiro and walked home from there. It got a bit brisk so I was able to wear my Cool New Jacket Which Is Difficult To Zip today. You really have to choose carefully beforehand whether you will wear it zipped or unzipped and if you intend to zip it, you must zip it in the way you would like to zip it before you go before the public. Otherwise, if you fail repeatedly to zip your own jacket you look like an idiot.
I don't actually know why I'm blogging all of the sudden, but...but yes I do, it's because I have work to do. You'd think if I wanted to procrastinate I would go read some more Maupassant, but my frequency of procrastination is tuned so finely that I can't seem to do anything actually productive. The ONLY productive option right now is work and therefore I am left with unproductive options. I could roll around on my futon. That would be perfectly acceptable. I might.
Last night My Favorite K and I ate vegetables and fish and rice and soup (because we both like this kind of food and I'm so glad we have that in common) and walked walked walked around Nakameguro, Daikanyama, Ebisu. All roads there lead to T-Site, at least, I can't seem to go anywhere near Daikanyama without setting foot there, and he looked at cooking magazines. I looked at them over his shoulder, but also at him looking at them (which was more fun, I think).
Tomorrow is Friday. You know what I did last year on that day? Drummed taiko in the Oeshiki festival down the street. It was really fun. This year I was invited once again, but I can't go because I will have a translation to edit (the translation I'm supposed to be creating right now). I think I'm ok with that, but it's a little sad. It also makes me realize how hard it must be to keep up traditions as an adult. Like for your kids even or what not. Culture is hard work! Actually!
Honestly though, I'm losing my mind about literature lately. I need to meet people to talk about books with and more importantly learn how to talk about books. If anyone has some ideas, let me know.
Saturday, October 12, 2013
Just before 夜の部
I call it 夜の部 to make it sound more fun, but really it's just more work. I should be excited to accomplish things and do a good job because I had a great day; keep that positive energy flowin' or whatnot, but I feel sort of crunched.
To exist in Japan I have to fit myself into a box called VISA and lately it is feeling pretty cramped. At the same time, my head is going in a zillion directions, so I know it's partly my fault.
Anyways, here's what I did today:
AWOKE. Couldn't remember my dream.
BREAKFAST. Specifically avoided eggs because I knew I was going to have Khao Pad Kra Prao Gai at a place that puts an egg on top for lunch. I had a natto maki and a banana and coffee.
WORK. I had to put some finishing touches on a translation project and then social media for a bit.
LAUNDRY. It had to be done. I did it in my usual extremely non-fussy manner that is part of the reason I have no real fashion.
LUNCH. Met my friend Simon for Thai food. It's always really good to catch up with him.
POETRY x FASHION. I went to an event in Shimokitazawa at a bookstore cum bar where the poet I like read some poems. I didn't know he used to play saxophone. I guess we have that in common. I wonder if he still plays.
THAT DREAM. The fashion part of the event was interesting, too, but its overall form was eclipsed by the fact that one of the photos jogged my memory as to that dream last night. Suddenly on the screen was an image of a women missing half of her right leg, but looking extremely stylish in heels and a great short dress, so that you ignored her disability (? Sorry if I'm butchering pc codes in this paragraph, but I'm just telling you what happened as simply as I know how) completely or perhaps even her prosthesis itself is cool. I wish I had the link, but I don't. Anyhow, I remembered that last night I dreamed I was told one of my legs would have to be amputated. What a weird coincidence. And I really wonder where that dream came from.
SHINJUKU. After buying some books related to translation that I need to somehow find time to read, I maneuvered through the evening Shimokita crowd to the Odakyu line. Felt the need to procrastinate (as I do even now...) so had Freshness Burger while contemplating life, etc. The classic burger seemed highly unadorned besides some vegetables, which was great.
IKEBUKURO. Wouldn't you know it, I took the express. And then wouldn't you know it, I took some exit and ended up who knows where on the other side of the station. I decided that it was fate, and walked home, during which time I thought I would like to tweet, やっぱリュックじゃないとダメだ、私。but had my hands full of my bag, which had gotten too heavy with books and things for me to trust to the shoulder strap.
MINOR GROCERY STORE VISIT. I bought bananas and soy milk. There is some granola I have that has too many raisins in it, but somehow I feel like I should persist in eating it until the bag is gone. Other than the too many raisins, there is nothing wrong with it, I don't think...
WORK. I really want to just read or listen to more Japanese people say more things, but I can't because tomorrow got unexpectedly busy.
Here wait, though, I can think of some more things to say quickly.
I finished the short story chapter in 文学レッスン. Saiichi Maruya (who died last year, I just read on Wikipedia : /) seems to make a lot of comments about this history based on nationality. I don't know if that is common in lit commentary or not, but like at one point he was even saying that maybe the short story initially became so popular in Japan because Japanese people like small things (like bonsai and dolls). Really? And among bourgeois French there would not have been very many novel readers, which is why they were so good at short stories? And Ireland was not yet developed at the time, so short stories were the thing and Ulysses was James Joyce trying to escape the short story? Is that true? I'm kind of taking all of it with a grain of salt. I guess I want to see what other people have to say about short stories. And read A LOT.
But I'm also trying to figure out ways to get what I've been reading to stick with me more, which is why I'm going to try maybe blogging more. I don't really expect what I'll say to be that interesting, but I just want to be able to reference it later.
Between stories in きつねのはなし I've been injecting some Maupassant. "Boule de Suif" was pretty great. It's a super interesting predicament, but wow, humans are evil, huh. I just can't imagine being that cruel to someone, especially after they've fed you. War, food, sex. This story is really in the thick of it.
While reading "Miss Harriet" most of what I thought was how tsundere the titular character was and how over the top it was that she died at the end.
"Francesca and Carlotta Rondoli" is another where it's just like "Really man, really?" But I really like these windows into the heads of guys who do stuff like leaving girls waiting for them, etc.
That reminds me, in the titular story in きつねのはなし the narrator Mutou lies so much. Not only to the creepy Amagi, but also to his gf and Natsume. I kept wishing he wouldn't. It didn't seem to help him that much anyways...
Now I'm running pretty late to 夜の部 but...maybe I'll be able to look back at this entry and remember what today was like. When I look at entries from back in 08 or whatnot, I sometimes can't even remember I spent a day like that. Reading entires like that is a really weird feeling, but I won't have it to savor unless I write something like this now and then.
To exist in Japan I have to fit myself into a box called VISA and lately it is feeling pretty cramped. At the same time, my head is going in a zillion directions, so I know it's partly my fault.
Anyways, here's what I did today:
AWOKE. Couldn't remember my dream.
BREAKFAST. Specifically avoided eggs because I knew I was going to have Khao Pad Kra Prao Gai at a place that puts an egg on top for lunch. I had a natto maki and a banana and coffee.
WORK. I had to put some finishing touches on a translation project and then social media for a bit.
LAUNDRY. It had to be done. I did it in my usual extremely non-fussy manner that is part of the reason I have no real fashion.
LUNCH. Met my friend Simon for Thai food. It's always really good to catch up with him.
POETRY x FASHION. I went to an event in Shimokitazawa at a bookstore cum bar where the poet I like read some poems. I didn't know he used to play saxophone. I guess we have that in common. I wonder if he still plays.
THAT DREAM. The fashion part of the event was interesting, too, but its overall form was eclipsed by the fact that one of the photos jogged my memory as to that dream last night. Suddenly on the screen was an image of a women missing half of her right leg, but looking extremely stylish in heels and a great short dress, so that you ignored her disability (? Sorry if I'm butchering pc codes in this paragraph, but I'm just telling you what happened as simply as I know how) completely or perhaps even her prosthesis itself is cool. I wish I had the link, but I don't. Anyhow, I remembered that last night I dreamed I was told one of my legs would have to be amputated. What a weird coincidence. And I really wonder where that dream came from.
SHINJUKU. After buying some books related to translation that I need to somehow find time to read, I maneuvered through the evening Shimokita crowd to the Odakyu line. Felt the need to procrastinate (as I do even now...) so had Freshness Burger while contemplating life, etc. The classic burger seemed highly unadorned besides some vegetables, which was great.
IKEBUKURO. Wouldn't you know it, I took the express. And then wouldn't you know it, I took some exit and ended up who knows where on the other side of the station. I decided that it was fate, and walked home, during which time I thought I would like to tweet, やっぱリュックじゃないとダメだ、私。but had my hands full of my bag, which had gotten too heavy with books and things for me to trust to the shoulder strap.
MINOR GROCERY STORE VISIT. I bought bananas and soy milk. There is some granola I have that has too many raisins in it, but somehow I feel like I should persist in eating it until the bag is gone. Other than the too many raisins, there is nothing wrong with it, I don't think...
WORK. I really want to just read or listen to more Japanese people say more things, but I can't because tomorrow got unexpectedly busy.
Here wait, though, I can think of some more things to say quickly.
I finished the short story chapter in 文学レッスン. Saiichi Maruya (who died last year, I just read on Wikipedia : /) seems to make a lot of comments about this history based on nationality. I don't know if that is common in lit commentary or not, but like at one point he was even saying that maybe the short story initially became so popular in Japan because Japanese people like small things (like bonsai and dolls). Really? And among bourgeois French there would not have been very many novel readers, which is why they were so good at short stories? And Ireland was not yet developed at the time, so short stories were the thing and Ulysses was James Joyce trying to escape the short story? Is that true? I'm kind of taking all of it with a grain of salt. I guess I want to see what other people have to say about short stories. And read A LOT.
But I'm also trying to figure out ways to get what I've been reading to stick with me more, which is why I'm going to try maybe blogging more. I don't really expect what I'll say to be that interesting, but I just want to be able to reference it later.
Between stories in きつねのはなし I've been injecting some Maupassant. "Boule de Suif" was pretty great. It's a super interesting predicament, but wow, humans are evil, huh. I just can't imagine being that cruel to someone, especially after they've fed you. War, food, sex. This story is really in the thick of it.
While reading "Miss Harriet" most of what I thought was how tsundere the titular character was and how over the top it was that she died at the end.
"Francesca and Carlotta Rondoli" is another where it's just like "Really man, really?" But I really like these windows into the heads of guys who do stuff like leaving girls waiting for them, etc.
That reminds me, in the titular story in きつねのはなし the narrator Mutou lies so much. Not only to the creepy Amagi, but also to his gf and Natsume. I kept wishing he wouldn't. It didn't seem to help him that much anyways...
Now I'm running pretty late to 夜の部 but...maybe I'll be able to look back at this entry and remember what today was like. When I look at entries from back in 08 or whatnot, I sometimes can't even remember I spent a day like that. Reading entires like that is a really weird feeling, but I won't have it to savor unless I write something like this now and then.
Tuesday, October 08, 2013
Little Roommate
Had a dream where I don't remember what language was being spoken, but in which it was revealed that I had had a tiny roommate all along. That said, my room was also different, although I think I was still in Japan. Actually the room itself seemed a little confused, changing shape depending on the scene. There was one that was kind of door shaped with the kitchen on the left and the doorway on the right, a big window cradled in the living area at the "base." Another one was super shoeboxy, didn't even have a kitchen, or a bathroom. Or anything, really except a bed. Everything in that one was kind of a dirty yellow tan color, and I couldn't figure out if it was a product of the light or just bad design.
A bout of dancing in front of the mirror or whatever girls do in their room's when there's is no one around (I think it was tongue-in-cheek strip tease prompted by the fact that the jeans I had tried to put on were so worn out I might as well not have been wearing any) had just at that exact second finished, so could properly feign doing "nothing" (albeit poorly dressed) when the guy (full-sized) walked out of my kitchen.
"[uncontrollable yelp of fear and surprise] Where did you come from?" (I was soooo not just dancing around in my near underwear.)
"Over there... I live here."
"You...what?"
"I live here, in that pan."
"No! No, you don't! And what do you mean "in that pan!" That's my pan!"
"But you never cook, and indefinitely turned over to 'dry' like that on the rack, it makes kind of a nice...tent..."
"Don't change the subject!"
"I have to go or I'll be late for class."
"You're a student? I have a student freeloading under a pan in my kitchen?!"
"No, I'm an elementary school teacher."
Now this was too much. And he had to leave anyhow. It did actually dawn on me that it made no sense that a full-sized guy could live under a pan, but the only possible explanation was that he shrunk himself down when he arrived home, so as to not be a burden on me, and I accepted that immediately. Regardless, he was now a burden on me and the flood of all the previously-normal-but-now-extremely-embarrassing things that had occurred over the months since I had moved into that apartment momentarily crushed me.
But maybe it wouldn't be so bad to have a roommate. The only thing was that at this point our relationship was unequal, since he knew probably more than he ever wanted to know about me and I knew nothing about him.
The next day I came home (to room v.2 for some reason, the yellowy one) and there were a couple elementary schooler's notebooks on my desk, as well as a box of cherries labeled "cherries," but also "must not become contaminated." It seemed he had given up hiding himself now that he'd been discovered.
*
Actually there was a lot of other stuff that happened that I can't remember, but yeah, I dreamed a tiny elementary school teacher who could also be normal human-sized lived in my room. What the hell, lol.
For the record, you could not hide under my pan cuz I DO scramble breakfast if nothing else.
A bout of dancing in front of the mirror or whatever girls do in their room's when there's is no one around (I think it was tongue-in-cheek strip tease prompted by the fact that the jeans I had tried to put on were so worn out I might as well not have been wearing any) had just at that exact second finished, so could properly feign doing "nothing" (albeit poorly dressed) when the guy (full-sized) walked out of my kitchen.
"[uncontrollable yelp of fear and surprise] Where did you come from?" (I was soooo not just dancing around in my near underwear.)
"Over there... I live here."
"You...what?"
"I live here, in that pan."
"No! No, you don't! And what do you mean "in that pan!" That's my pan!"
"But you never cook, and indefinitely turned over to 'dry' like that on the rack, it makes kind of a nice...tent..."
"Don't change the subject!"
"I have to go or I'll be late for class."
"You're a student? I have a student freeloading under a pan in my kitchen?!"
"No, I'm an elementary school teacher."
Now this was too much. And he had to leave anyhow. It did actually dawn on me that it made no sense that a full-sized guy could live under a pan, but the only possible explanation was that he shrunk himself down when he arrived home, so as to not be a burden on me, and I accepted that immediately. Regardless, he was now a burden on me and the flood of all the previously-normal-but-now-extremely-embarrassing things that had occurred over the months since I had moved into that apartment momentarily crushed me.
But maybe it wouldn't be so bad to have a roommate. The only thing was that at this point our relationship was unequal, since he knew probably more than he ever wanted to know about me and I knew nothing about him.
The next day I came home (to room v.2 for some reason, the yellowy one) and there were a couple elementary schooler's notebooks on my desk, as well as a box of cherries labeled "cherries," but also "must not become contaminated." It seemed he had given up hiding himself now that he'd been discovered.
*
Actually there was a lot of other stuff that happened that I can't remember, but yeah, I dreamed a tiny elementary school teacher who could also be normal human-sized lived in my room. What the hell, lol.
For the record, you could not hide under my pan cuz I DO scramble breakfast if nothing else.
Oct. 8, 2013 in Five Minutes
Woke up late because I stayed up till 2 a.m. worrying too much about things I don't have to worry about. Late is 7:24.
I decided that was late enough to be lazy about breakfast, though I regret going to the cafe down the street. I should stay home in the morning, but I just wanted to leave my apt.
I read some lit stuff 'n then some きつねのはなし. Trying to take "good notes" but they aren't that good, they are just notes. I want to think more about what I'm reading instead of random nonsense. Why did Mutou lie to his gf about his heater? That bothered me.
Today was a JT day so I did JT things and then ate lunch. I did something novel and put half of the main dish in a box to take home because the cafe I go to is chill like that. A guy chatted to me about whether I am a student and if I can write kanji. He does triathlons and sometimes has meetings for work near where this cafe is and studies English.
The afternoon was sort of a blur of JT things, but then it ended and I ate risotto with shrimp, kabocha, and broccoli that I am kind of addicted to. I don't know how many calories it is but it feels balanced because of the amount of vegetables. There is also porchetta or something in it, but I don't eat all of it.
I guess my five minutes are up, but I have some work to do anyways, so I guess it's good timing...
...
I decided that was late enough to be lazy about breakfast, though I regret going to the cafe down the street. I should stay home in the morning, but I just wanted to leave my apt.
I read some lit stuff 'n then some きつねのはなし. Trying to take "good notes" but they aren't that good, they are just notes. I want to think more about what I'm reading instead of random nonsense. Why did Mutou lie to his gf about his heater? That bothered me.
Today was a JT day so I did JT things and then ate lunch. I did something novel and put half of the main dish in a box to take home because the cafe I go to is chill like that. A guy chatted to me about whether I am a student and if I can write kanji. He does triathlons and sometimes has meetings for work near where this cafe is and studies English.
The afternoon was sort of a blur of JT things, but then it ended and I ate risotto with shrimp, kabocha, and broccoli that I am kind of addicted to. I don't know how many calories it is but it feels balanced because of the amount of vegetables. There is also porchetta or something in it, but I don't eat all of it.
I guess my five minutes are up, but I have some work to do anyways, so I guess it's good timing...
...
Things I'm Reading (10/6/2013)
Here are the things I'm reading outside of stuff I do at/for work:
きつねのはなし (I missed him so much even though he was there all along)
文学のレッスン (because someone said it's "easy-to-understand")
裸でベランダ／ウサギと女たち (which is kind of lonely because I'm used to aurally mainlining his poems)
The readings from this Introduction to Theory of Literature that I can scrounge up.
Back issues of nautil.us.
I'm considering getting a Kindle so I don't have to think anymore about how to acquire books in English. The back of 文学のレッスン has a reading list that I'd like to pick my way through, but I'm certainly not going to read Japanese translations of everything.
きつねのはなし (I missed him so much even though he was there all along)
文学のレッスン (because someone said it's "easy-to-understand")
裸でベランダ／ウサギと女たち (which is kind of lonely because I'm used to aurally mainlining his poems)
The readings from this Introduction to Theory of Literature that I can scrounge up.
Back issues of nautil.us.
I'm considering getting a Kindle so I don't have to think anymore about how to acquire books in English. The back of 文学のレッスン has a reading list that I'd like to pick my way through, but I'm certainly not going to read Japanese translations of everything.
Saturday, October 05, 2013
October 5th, 2013 in Five Minutes
Woke up around 7:23 or so without my alarm, which was set for 8. Fried two eggs in olive oil, ate them with two slices of a round loaf from the neighborhood bakery and half a grapefruit and a cup of instant 7-Eleven coffee. Worked on some translation. Worked on my day job. Ran out the door because I was attending an orientation at the Museum of Modern Japanese Literature. On the way I ate lunch from this bakery in a savage fashion in the street, but it couldn't be helped. Not only did I have a pizza like thing, I had a rhubarb tart. RHUBARB. It was a good day just for that.
The event was good. I was very quiet. We saw original (real) manuscripts (that should not be even exposed to the light) by Natsume Soseki etc. You should not wear gloves (plastic ones?) because they catch on the paper and might rip it. Clean, dry hands are best. I'd like to attend more events at the museum but it seems like it will be a long time before I need to use their archive for something. I am level 0 lit nerd. I had a really unique lemon parfait with tea at the cafe there before I left.
On the way home I bought a salady thing. Then when I got home I worked more on both jobs. And then I read a ton of stuff about lit theory.
Oh I also finished reading The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao today.
All of these things combined to make me want to blog. I guess.
Wow, the timer went off with this incredibly obnoxious and unexpected noise.
The event was good. I was very quiet. We saw original (real) manuscripts (that should not be even exposed to the light) by Natsume Soseki etc. You should not wear gloves (plastic ones?) because they catch on the paper and might rip it. Clean, dry hands are best. I'd like to attend more events at the museum but it seems like it will be a long time before I need to use their archive for something. I am level 0 lit nerd. I had a really unique lemon parfait with tea at the cafe there before I left.
On the way home I bought a salady thing. Then when I got home I worked more on both jobs. And then I read a ton of stuff about lit theory.
Oh I also finished reading The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao today.
All of these things combined to make me want to blog. I guess.
Wow, the timer went off with this incredibly obnoxious and unexpected noise.
ACQUIRE KNOWLEDGE
Lately it seems like I'm super preoccupied with this notion that I must ACQUIRE KNOWLEDGE, as quickly as possible because I've FALLEN BEHIND. I need to go BACK TO BASICS and recover things, but also THINK CRITICALLY, something I'm always convinced I never learned how to do.
I've been trying to figure out what it's all for, though. Like, if I read some popular science writing and hear some interesting factoids that is great — even if I don't remember it, it's great — but if I stack up enough of this do I get something? Do I actually get "smarter"? Does it matter? How about literature? Is reading books enough? How "close" should I read them? Should I study literature? I bet the more of those things I do the more "intelligent" I get. But what does THAT get me?
I guess one thing it gets me is another type of particle to add the busyness haze polluting my life (or is the haze the life? That is never clear. Well, it's haze, how can we expect it to be...) Conveniently, if I am busy, i.e. if I procrastinate by reading and studying and learning when I'm not working, I can put things like being a responsible adult on the back-burner. Clean my bathroom? Sure, I did that once this year. Cook? I fry my own eggs most of the time, thank you very much. A mention of the post office or the bank may inspire acute anxiety and guilt#, but at least I can take notes on this essay and refer to them later, and pretend that it somehow applies to something that will get me somewhere.
To where?
I keep trying to think of that, too. I guess in some way I'm on some kind of husband + baby trajectory but it's taken this insane arc and I can't tell what point I'm at along it. It could actually be the case that I've fallen off and I can't decide if that should be worrisome. It seems like it should because I ostensibly want to do that family kind of thing, but then I wonder how that fits in with workahol and this study bent. Or maybe it's just a way to run away from all that (a theory which I've heard someone has put forth in book form, but I don't know who or in what book), but you can't run away from the family thing, and again, what does that get you?
I guess I have some existential angst lately.
It seems to be because...things are going well, but I seem to want something from someone although I can't tell what it is. Like is it really the family thing? Do I just need to march up to someone and be like, 'Hey, let's get married and do that baby thing." I don't really think that would solve anything. To echo: "Does it matter? Where does THAT get me?"
At that point, it's like, why am I trying so hard at any of this? I seem to get happy now and then. It does seem related to satisfying work and satisfying study and the appreciation of art and good company etc. But it never seems so CAUGHT UP IN IT like I am all the time. The happiness I felt this morning came on without warning and lasted for a while and then dissolved into random anxieties## I was actually working at the time. Things were proceeding smoothly (it's similar to when I say "やった" to my partner on Skype out of genuine enthusiasm for successful problem solving) and so that must have made me happy? It seemed more than that, and also more random. Fluffier, somehow, and indistinct. Sunny, wanting to share so badly. The truest happiness makes me feel alone###
Oh that's another thing, though. Maybe getting "smart" is, in addition to distracting me from the perils of society (like the bank), it's making being alone ok, because hey, at least I'm "smart." It's somehow noble to be alone and smart. Maybe you'll write a really interesting, original, introspective blog post or something. (*cough* not)
I've been writing some blog posts actually, but just not posting them#### There are all these discussions I want to have, but I don't know who with, or when I imagine I have time to, or whether they would really transpire as I intend, or if it's even fair to intend a conversation to transpire a certain way, although...to be honest, they aren't that well thought out and I'm just kind of getting caught up writing this sentence. I guess I just feel like people must be thinking things out there and I would like to hear about them. "ACQUIRE KNOWLEDGE," says my head, after all. "There must be someone who can lead you to it. And you'll drink of course, without being made to. Whether you'll stay hydrated or not is another matter entirely, but..."
I have to move next year and I keep toying with the idea of some kind of shared living space, like having roommates only with more direction and intention, but that seems almost as intense as having a family, and about as lacking in privacy, too, so why not just hold out for the romance? ("Which is NOT to say that...I hold out," she pants, chasing steadily after the current and always hopefully last favorite.)
"But yes, while you're waiting, definitely acquire some knowledge."
#I'm on it, I really am.
##some anxiety regarding BEING ON TIME and EATING LIKE A WILD ANIMAL on the side of the road because I was IN A HURRY. Then I had to present myself as thoughtful, but I presented myself as so thoughtful that I said nothing the entire time even though I was surrounded by people who might have ended up great friends (seeing as we were all in a museum of literature to look at old manuscripts).
###Which always seems to link back to the family thing.
####For better or worse, I'm actually posting this one.
I've been trying to figure out what it's all for, though. Like, if I read some popular science writing and hear some interesting factoids that is great — even if I don't remember it, it's great — but if I stack up enough of this do I get something? Do I actually get "smarter"? Does it matter? How about literature? Is reading books enough? How "close" should I read them? Should I study literature? I bet the more of those things I do the more "intelligent" I get. But what does THAT get me?
I guess one thing it gets me is another type of particle to add the busyness haze polluting my life (or is the haze the life? That is never clear. Well, it's haze, how can we expect it to be...) Conveniently, if I am busy, i.e. if I procrastinate by reading and studying and learning when I'm not working, I can put things like being a responsible adult on the back-burner. Clean my bathroom? Sure, I did that once this year. Cook? I fry my own eggs most of the time, thank you very much. A mention of the post office or the bank may inspire acute anxiety and guilt#, but at least I can take notes on this essay and refer to them later, and pretend that it somehow applies to something that will get me somewhere.
To where?
I keep trying to think of that, too. I guess in some way I'm on some kind of husband + baby trajectory but it's taken this insane arc and I can't tell what point I'm at along it. It could actually be the case that I've fallen off and I can't decide if that should be worrisome. It seems like it should because I ostensibly want to do that family kind of thing, but then I wonder how that fits in with workahol and this study bent. Or maybe it's just a way to run away from all that (a theory which I've heard someone has put forth in book form, but I don't know who or in what book), but you can't run away from the family thing, and again, what does that get you?
I guess I have some existential angst lately.
It seems to be because...things are going well, but I seem to want something from someone although I can't tell what it is. Like is it really the family thing? Do I just need to march up to someone and be like, 'Hey, let's get married and do that baby thing." I don't really think that would solve anything. To echo: "Does it matter? Where does THAT get me?"
At that point, it's like, why am I trying so hard at any of this? I seem to get happy now and then. It does seem related to satisfying work and satisfying study and the appreciation of art and good company etc. But it never seems so CAUGHT UP IN IT like I am all the time. The happiness I felt this morning came on without warning and lasted for a while and then dissolved into random anxieties## I was actually working at the time. Things were proceeding smoothly (it's similar to when I say "やった" to my partner on Skype out of genuine enthusiasm for successful problem solving) and so that must have made me happy? It seemed more than that, and also more random. Fluffier, somehow, and indistinct. Sunny, wanting to share so badly. The truest happiness makes me feel alone###
Oh that's another thing, though. Maybe getting "smart" is, in addition to distracting me from the perils of society (like the bank), it's making being alone ok, because hey, at least I'm "smart." It's somehow noble to be alone and smart. Maybe you'll write a really interesting, original, introspective blog post or something. (*cough* not)
I've been writing some blog posts actually, but just not posting them#### There are all these discussions I want to have, but I don't know who with, or when I imagine I have time to, or whether they would really transpire as I intend, or if it's even fair to intend a conversation to transpire a certain way, although...to be honest, they aren't that well thought out and I'm just kind of getting caught up writing this sentence. I guess I just feel like people must be thinking things out there and I would like to hear about them. "ACQUIRE KNOWLEDGE," says my head, after all. "There must be someone who can lead you to it. And you'll drink of course, without being made to. Whether you'll stay hydrated or not is another matter entirely, but..."
I have to move next year and I keep toying with the idea of some kind of shared living space, like having roommates only with more direction and intention, but that seems almost as intense as having a family, and about as lacking in privacy, too, so why not just hold out for the romance? ("Which is NOT to say that...I hold out," she pants, chasing steadily after the current and always hopefully last favorite.)
"But yes, while you're waiting, definitely acquire some knowledge."
#I'm on it, I really am.
##some anxiety regarding BEING ON TIME and EATING LIKE A WILD ANIMAL on the side of the road because I was IN A HURRY. Then I had to present myself as thoughtful, but I presented myself as so thoughtful that I said nothing the entire time even though I was surrounded by people who might have ended up great friends (seeing as we were all in a museum of literature to look at old manuscripts).
###Which always seems to link back to the family thing.
####For better or worse, I'm actually posting this one.
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